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i'm home. i went up to my grocery store to pick up some milk for thanksgiving dinner. there's a lot of new stuff, and a lot of new faces, but it's still the same place. it gives me this strange feeling on the inside, and i miss it. i used to think i had a strange obsession with grocery stores becuase i liked working at them so much. then i realized that it was more likely that i just had a strange obsession with holly (who had worked at my kroger for as long as i worked there) and christine (who had worked at my big bear for as long as i had worked there). it made a lot more sense to me that way. however, holly is no longer there, and i still miss it like crazy. i get there, and i love the way everything is so familiar... my plan for christmas, up until that instant, had been to stay in columbus, working at big bear, until the last possible minute. in that store, though, i suddenly wanted to come home after finals so i can work here over christmas. now i don't know what i want. i don't know how i can get so attatched to a grocery store... but it brings back memories... i know some of the workers will be the same, and the people who shop there will be the same. instead of all those dirty giptonites (time #2!!) in columbus, i can help clean, educated customers. (i feel bad for thinking like that, but it's honestly what i'm thinking, so i may as well type it...) i figure that it doesn't matter too much, becuase when i get back to columbus, i'll most likely decide i'd rather be there, and forget all about this little bit of doubt... when i went to check out, jennifer saw me and ran over and gave me a hug. i am bad at returning hugs. luckily, with a gallon of milk in each hand, hugging her back wasn't really an option.

i came home and sat at the table and labeled my freshly burnt cds. i had 8 of them, and i hadn't written down what was on them, so i had to go through the tracks one by one. my mom was cooking while i sat at the table, listening and sorting and writing, and she talked to me. my mom talks a lot. it usually bothers me a little, but today, the topic of homosexuality came up. i was trying to explain how much fun rashid and i have at the store. this was actually a half-assed attempt to convince her of my heterosexuality (make her think that i like rashid). i told her the story about how we decided that terrie was dating jp. then i was trying to explain how terrie reacted when we told her about it. i was trying to describe her... 'she's hilarious. she's crazy. she's out there, one of those real artsy types, do you know what i mean?' my mom said yeah, like the kind who lived in ?grenich? village. i had never heard of that place. she said most of them are gay, and they're real gay-acting too. that was absolutely not what i had meant, but i informed her calmly 'well, terrie is gay, but that's not what i meant, becuase she doesn't really act gay at all. i only knew she was becuase jim told me.' so then she just started talking about gays. she was saying how they know this kid, who's only 10, and you can already tell that he's going to be gay. she says she's sure he doesn't know it yet, and right now the kids all really like him becuase he's so nice, but she feels bad for him becuase she knows that when he gets a little older, they'll all start teasing him, and he's going to realize he's different, and his life will get a lot harder. she said it's a shame, becuase he's such a nice boy, and she doesn't know how gays get to be gay, but she's sure that it's not their fault, or anybody else's. i commented that the girls probably wouldn't care, and i mentioned how all the girls who knew about christopher just felt bad for him and weren't mean. and also, at big bear, everyone said nickolas was gay. the girls are all nice to him, but guys like jim were always mean about that, even though jim and terrie are really good friends. so, from my very limited experience, it's mostly the guys who are mean to gay guys. she said she guessed that was true, now that i mentioned it, and then told me about this lesbian couple that her and my dad had known. she said they had met them and just figured they were friends. they had hung out quite a bit, and they hadn't realized the two girls were together like that until one of their other friends had told them. she said both she and my father took it with a grain of salt. however, later, they found out that one of their male friends from the same group was gay, and my dad hadn't been quite as accepting... but he did come around eventually. she said maybe girls are just nicer.

she also asks if molly's still dating aaron. i say yeah. she says that surprises her a lot, becuase if it weren't for that, she would figure molly was gay. i tell her she's not the only one who figures that...

at some point in this conversation, i mentioned that i only knew 3 non-straight people, and christopher hardly counted, becuase the whole time i had known him, i had thought he was straight. she asked who the others were, and i told her terrie and christine. she's heard of christine. she knows that i talk to christine. she knows that christine used to help me at the store, that christine got fired for taking money, that christine talked me out of quitting school, and that i still talk to her sometimes. she knows about christine because i love christine, so of course i've got to mention her whenever possible... they just figure she's my friend. in a way, she is. but anyway, it took her by surprise, and she asked 'christine's gay?' i say 'nah, she's bi.' my mom asks 'oh, so she dates boys?' i tell her she has a girlfriend now. she asks 'but she has dated boys?' i say yeah, a while ago. she asks 'well why'd she choose a girl? does she prefer girls or boys?' i tell her my batteries are dead, and does she have any more AA batteries lying around? i know the answer to the christine question, but it's something i'd rather not say. first, it's christine's buisness, not my mom's. and second, it's one thing talking about 'gayness' as a concept, but to deal with this question, we'd have to get down into the sexual attraction part, which isn't something i want to get into with my mother.

i can't remember anything else. she talked forever, becuase my mom can talk any subject to death, but i was trying to make sure i was still writing down song titles, so i didn't look too interested in the conversation. but everything she said was perfectly ok. in fact, it was so ok that i can't help but think she knows. not only did she make sure to point out that she was ok with it, but she also made sure to let me know that my dad was ok with it too. she made sure to let me know that she knew gay people don't choose to be gay, and that it's nobody's fault... she could know. but she could just like to talk, and i had accidentally introduced a subject that she doesn't get to talk about much. either way, though, i feel like she would be ok. i mean, it's gotta be different with your own kid, so i'm not guaranteeing that there won't be a small strain on our relationship, but i don't think she'd do anything drastic, like disown me or kick me out or stop helping to support me financially. all i know about my dad is what she told me, and i can't really see me having that discussion with my dad. even though i did very little talking, i'm sure if she's got any suspicions (and possibly even if she doesn't), she'll mention this conversation to my dad, or at least the part about christine being bi. i probably shouldn't have mentioned that. it's ok to mention terrie because they haven't heard about her before, but they've been hearing about christine for over a year now. they'll probably think that i knew she was bi the whole time... they'll probably start talking about 'my gay friend christine.' (judging only from the short time we spent on the topic of christine, i think my mom has trouble with the concept of bisexuality. she kept calling christine 'gay'. i kept correcting her: 'bi'. it doesn't really make much difference, i guess. this is probably off the subject. i'm not bi anyway, so what do i care if she understands them? as long as she understands me, that's all i need.)

anyway, i guess that's about all the news i have. my very religious grandparents are coming up tomorrow, and i know they have a large problem with homosexuals (and blacks and jews and every other group of people that aren't just like them), so i'll steer clear of that topic for a while. i'm just wondering what happens now. i think i've just been given the green light. it's ok to come out. but i'm stuck. i almost wish she had said 'those stupid gay artsy people. i hate gays,' becuase then the plan of action would have been obvious-keep my mouth shut. but now what? i still can't say 'i'm gay.' or 'i'm a lesbian.' how did i do it for christine and jim? ummm... christine dragged me out, and then she told jim for me. great. my family's not going to force me out of the closet (especially since they might not even know i'm in it), and christine is not around to tell them for me. i don't know how to do it myself. i wish i could talk to her. i know she would be full of good ideas. i have her phone number. i'm not about to call her... maybe if she comes into the store again...? i feel bad only talking to her when i need help. i have one conversation with her so she can convince me not to quit school. i have another conversation with her so she can gently pry me out of my closet, and then another so she can reassure me that jim's fine with it. isn't it about time to have a conversation where i give her some advice? or at the very least, aren't we due for a nice friendly conversation without any advice or reassurance? i can make her laugh, just like old times.

i guess this is a short break anyway. i don't have to do anything right away. after christmas is what i'm shooting for, i think. i'll wait until all the stress of the holiday season has passed, and then before i go back to columbus, i'll tell them... maybe... at least that plan gives me a month to think about it. maybe i can find a good way talk to christine about it by then...

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Once, Twice, Three times a Giptonite?

Just one more to go! ;)

The Small Faced Boy

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