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i dunno
i slept right up til it was time to work. in fact, i missed breakfast again, but this time i grabbed a bag of chips and ate them at the bus stop. didn't want to have to resort to way too much sugar again. i got there and i still had an hour til christine came, but marie was there, one in front of me. for a little over a week now, i've been seriously wondering if marie's gay, so i just watch her and see what she's doing and who she's looking at. only i think she notices and i'm worried about what she thinks. so today, i spent a lot of time purposefully not looking at marie, even when neither of us had customers. she probably thought this was strange too. she said 'hi loser' to me after a while of neither of us having customers and me refusing to look at her. i said hi, and she played with my credit machine while i made faces at her for a while, and then we both got customers. and then a while later, she was going home for the day and i was coming back from break and she made a strange face at me so i made one back and she made a stranger face and i had no idea what was going on so i just made a stranger face too and then we passed and she laughed and i turned around and she was watching me and laughing. i made a face at her and kept going. i don't have a clue what any of that meant.

this little 8-year old girl came through my line today. she was my last customer before my first break. actually, she got in my line after i was supposed to be closed, but i didn't have the heart to kick her out, so i let her go. she had 2 half gallons of milk and 4 bananas. she didn't have a wild card, so i rang it up and it was about a dollar more than she had. she was heartbroken. she couldn't decide what to do, and she stands there weighing her options for a long while. i wait patiently. finally, she says to me, 'what do YOU think i should do? see, i'm not a grown-up.' i smile. as if that wasn't obvious. she could barely reach the belt to unload the groceries... i ask her what she was sent here to get, and she says her mom told her to get 2 milks and 4 bananas. but didn't give her a wild card. poor kid. i pray that no managers are watching, and then say 'i think we should find you a grown-up friend with a wild card.' the guys in the lane behind me look friendly enough, so i ask if they have a wild card this girl can borrow, and they say sure. so with the card savings, the girl has enough money, and all is good for everyone except stupid loser, who spends the next hour terrified of getting fired. that was about the first thing i learned in training. don't ever scan your own wild card for a customer. don't let a customer use another customer's wild card. this will result in disciplinary action... i don't want to lose this job... but by now, i'm pretty sure i was being paranoid. nobody saw, i'm ok...

i go outside for my break today. makes me feel like a fucking smoker or something, but it was my kind of weather today. high 50s. that's nice weather. anything hotter is too hot. i don't see how people can say it's nice outside when it's in the 80s. i break into a sweat the second i step outside. and there's bees and flys everywhere. i am not very fond of bugs and other creatures that appear when the weather turns 'nice'. tommy flips me off on the way out. maybe if i had gone upstairs he would have snuck up to keep me company. oh well.

christine got there. dana was supposed to be coordinator but he called off, so everyone took turns, and christine did it for 3 hours. this means she ran breaks, carried the key, and bagged for people, which should have sped things up, but with her at the end of my lane, i think it made me so nervous that it slowed me down enough that we really gained nothing by adding a bagger to the situation. after a while, my register started doing that warning thing 'need fresh till' like it does when they haven't cleaned it out for a while. christine was at my lane when it started, so i told her. i've always wondered when exactly it does that. like is it based on checks or cash or both? she's bagging for me so i try to ask her, but i fuck up the question becuase it's christine i'm talking to here... she eventually figures out the question and says she thinks it's cash, maybe a few thousand you have to have. i can't talk to her...

later she's running a break one behind me, and i need a key to override something, so i turn around but i fuck this up too, and instead of asking if she has a key, i say 'do you need a key?' she knows what i mean and she's getting it for me, but she laughs and jokes 'nope, i don't. do you?' i blush and say 'yes, please.' and while i'm using the key, she calls over, in that concerned voice, 'loser, does it bother you when i tease you?' i say no. becuase it doesn't. she doesn't ever say it in a mean way, so i always know she's kidding. it's just like joking around with jeff or someone. i am embarrased that i say so many stupid things, but if i'm going to say them anyway, i really don't mind her good-natured teasing. she says 'well if it ever bothers you, please tell me, ok?' i say ok, and i am amazed. she is worried that she is bothering me. why does she have to be so concerned for my self-esteem? i can just picture jeff asking 'does it bother you when i tease you?' yeah right. christine is the only person who would ever think to ask that... and i can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing, so i'm going to just leave it at that.

christine runs my last break and puts my money how i like it :-). it's still doing that 'need fresh till' thing every order, but it's really busy and they don't have time to worry about it. christine gives me the key and asks me to move down to express to do malik's break. i ask if she wants to clean my drawer first. the lines are still packed and she still has no time, but instead of saying no, she just takes all my bills $20 and larger, saying that she knows how annoying it is to have to get rid of that message every time you do an order. and she takes them while i'm still there, and i smell her. god, she smells sooo good. (i don't think i've mentioned that before... :-p)

i go up there to get cigarettes for some lady like 10 minutes before i'm supposed to leave, and it's still crazy crowded, so christine asks if i'd mind staying an extra half hour. i say sure, i already missed the last bus anyway. she says 'wait what? are you walking home?' that's something you don't want to let her know becuase she doesn't like that. she's ok with me and the bus but she thinks walking is dangerous. tasha gives me cigarettes and i leave and sorta shrug as an answer. i'm not gunna lie to her, but i'd sure like to make her forget i said that... becuase she works til close, an hour later than i'm going to get off. and i sure don't want to ride with some strange person she finds to take me... and i don't particularly want to hang out here for an hour after i'm off to wait for her to take me either, although since it involves seeing her more, it doesn't sound all that bad...

then a half hour later, it's like 10 til and i'm walking around the front end collecting returns becuase i have no customers. she calls me over to the service desk and tells me to close off at 5 til and get all my stuff together becuase they need to clean my drawer. then she gives me the keys and says to just hang onto them until then. only that's not how she says it. more what she says is 'here, i'm going to give you these. make sure you take care of them. this is a big responsibility. you can't lose these keys. i'm trusting you, ok?' this reminds me of the 'i'm counting on you' i got when i had to send jeff on break. and of numerous other events in which she has said similar things. i don't quite understand. it's like she's trying to make me feel responsible, like she's trying to boost my self-esteem, make me think that i'm doing important things. only it's more like the kind of thing you would say to a five-year old, to trick him into think he is doing an important task when you really just want to get him out of your hair for a while. she can't really think that this carrying this key is that big of a deal, can she? why does she think i need to feel like i matter? and, from my point of view, should that be a bad thing? i don't understand. i don't understand anything...

when i bring her my drawer, she asks if i need a ride home, and i say no. which isn't lying, becuase i don't need one. i am perfectly capable of walking. before she gets a chance to say anything else, tasha asks for my coupon envelope, so i go to get that and by the time i get back with it, stella is asking christine something, so i just slide it across the counter and head upstairs fast. when i come back down, she's facing the other way running checks, so i go straight out the door. it's perfect walking home weather. dark and 50 degrees, i checked when i got back. i carry my jacket and lose myself in thought, and i'm home before i know it.

hmmm... i have to work at 8:30 am tomorrow. no christine. in fact, it will probably be mostly the older people. i never work that early. i would like to know what possesed jane to schedule me to work at 8:30... fuck. i hate early mornings. and that's early. ok, so i should start heading off to bed now. i want to understand...

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Hey so ya I think marie might be gay too, just from the sounds of it, but is afriad to say anything or is unsure about it I dunno its just a guess, lol damn grl you write long entries, I mostly read them cause your life sounds like friggen soap opera haha k well kool, ttyl. Ciao

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