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i saw my christine!!!!!
to start from the end (becuase that's the part i like the best), i saw my christine today!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok, so back to the beginning. first, i forgot something yesterday. there's a car that's always in the parking lot and it has a pride bumper sticker on it. i found out who it belonged to. terrie let me get carts, and this deli lady, joanne, drove by in the car. she's old and she has short hair like a stereotypical dyke. speaking of stereotypical dyke, did i ever mention that terrie walks like a stereotypical dyke? the rest of her appears very straight, but if you watch her walk, her walk screams 'gay.' i know nothing about joanne, other than that she smokes, either dorals or marlboros, and i don't even know how she decides which. some days she buys one, and some days the other. i'm going to have to keep an eye on her now. she doesn't seem very friendly. terrie is definitely a more fun, young, hot, and interesting lesbian. but god, look at my total skyrocket. ready?
lesbians: terrie, joanne, maybe teena
bi: christine, marie, maybe alyssa
gay: maybe nickolas, maybe adam
so there's a lot of maybes, but i think it's strange that in my entire life, i'd never met a non-straight person, and all of a sudden, i know 4 for sure, and maybe more.

today, i went to class. me, molly, danielle, and the rest of the group gave our presentation. it was fine. classes are almost over, and i'm going to miss this group a little (mostly danielle).

then i went to work. terrie called me kid. terrie is funny.

i found an eraser and used it to write in the dirt on the monitor. i wrote 'hi!' in the corner. then i moved to the middle and wrote my name. then i looked at it and saw 'loser       hi!' and it looked funny, like i had skipped a word, so i wrote 'flies' in the middle. now it says 'loser flies hi!' and i know it's the wrong kind of hi but i have no room for a 'gh' becuase i'm at the edge of the screen. terrie asks 'what is this for?' and motions to my artwork. i say 'it's for i'm bored.' she says it's grafitti, but then when we need carts, she lets me go do it and asks 'that's less boring, right?' and i tell her brightly 'yeeah, carts are aiight!' she laughs. when i get back in, she says i can bag if i want, and there's no real baggers, so this will keep me busy.

some customer came up to the desk when me and terrie were standing there, and he wanted to know about the rewards thing on the card, how you can win a turkey. terrie was waiting for somebody to answer the intercom, so i talked to him. i told him how many points you had to have. he wasn't really close, and he asked 'so if you don't have at least that many, you get nothing?' i told him 'well, no...' he looked so sad that my 7-year-old added sincerely, 'but thank you for trying!' terrie laughed so hard she had to put down the phone.

i looked at jim's schedule for this week, and he's on vacation all week. i've seen enough people leave this store that i know: this is how they end it. they quit, but keep getting paid for an extra week or so while they use up their vacation. that's what happened when kristen left. it happened when jp left. it happened when stella left. sure, it's not for sure. jane's on vacation this week, and i know she'll be back. but jim is leaving soon. he said he had decided to stay until the end of the year, but there are no guarantees. he could have changed his mind. i could be jim-less... i hope he's not gone. i never even said goodbye. but that's not really what bothers me, becuase even if i had said goodbye, i would still be feeling this. jim knows. he has to stick around so i don't have a secret. if jim is here, since he knows, then i'm not such a big secret...

i found an expensive ring on the floor. i brought it up to the service desk, and teena was up there. i held it up in front of me to show her, and couldn't think of what i meant to say, so i said nothing and just held it out to her. she stared at me. finally, i came up with some words and offered 'on the floor, it was.' she said 'oh, geez, loser, i was confused there... i was about to tell you, i'm not that kind of girl...' i manage to laugh a little, but all the while, i'm thinking of what christine said about teena. that they have their suspicions about teena being a lesbian. that one time, teena asked what christine thought of her, and christine said that she thought teena was probably a lesbian who just hadn't admitted it yet. and that teena said nothing, and christine thinks it's becuase she has a feeling that christine could be right. i try to picture teena having this serious conversation with christine. i can't picture teena being serious. i think it has to do with me... i can't picture terrie being serious either. it's probably becuase most people don't get serious with me. most people probably can't picture me being serious either. or at least i bet they can't picture me discussing a serious subject. christine can, but that's different. even with jim, i don't discuss serious things. i avoid them.

alyssa came in and was checking her schedule when i was up there on break. she was talking to me all friendly. i asked how her party was. she said it was great because she threw up a ton. she kept drinking and then throwing up and then drinking some more and throwing up some more... if i ever start judging how much fun i had by counting how many times i threw up, please shoot me.

i talked to liz a lot at the bus stop after work. i say this now becuase i save christine for last becuase she's the best. liz is ok. we talked about people from our high school and also about terrie becuase liz thinks terrie is hilarious. i volunteered most everything i knew about terrie, except that she's a lesbian... in fact, liz even asked if she was married, and i said calmly 'no,' and that's it. i am giving nothing away. she seemed surprised that terrie wouldn't be married... still, i say nothing to indicate that there's a pretty good reason for it.

so, now christine... i closed up self-check fast, so michelle sent me out to get carts. i had brought a few loads in and was rearranging the ones on the inside when i hear 'loser,' coming from by the door. i know the voice before i turn to look, and i am happy. i turn and there she is, with her black girl. she asks 'is anybody from management here?' i have no idea if they are or not, but instead of saying that, i get confused and ask 'who's that?' she answers 'like brian or ann...' so then i answer 'i dunno.' she says ok and starts inside, but then asks 'how are you?' i say 'aiight.' she asks 'better?' i say yeah. this was a normal sequence of questions, but i know she's not just asking how i am in general. i know she's talking about me and my closet and jim knowing and anybody else maybe knowing. jim knows and doesn't mention it again. christine knows and she keeps mentioning it, but just a little, and that's what i need from her. i might not even mind if jim mentioned it a little... but mostly i guess i need him to treat me normally, like he is. i don't know why they're so different. i guess i want jim to be accepting, and i want christine to be supportive. they're both doing a great job.

when christine and rice girl come out, i'm on the floor trying to move the big rubber padding thing so i can get the cart past it. christine says 'hey loser, wanna see my nephew?' that's a funny thing to hear her say becuase she doesn't seem old enough to be an aunt... i ask 'your pregnant sister?' she says 'she's not pregnant anymore.' i stand up and say 'oh, it's on the outside now!' i mean the baby. mostly i can't talk. she says yeah, and brings over pictures. she offers them to me and i look at the one on top and say 'babies are cute.' she says i can hold them (the pictures). so i take them and as i start to look at them, she motions towards her black girl and says 'this is my friend, [rice girl].' (see, if this were a normal name, i would have a better chance of remembering it. but she says the name, and i hear jumbleblahletters RICE blahyaddamoreletters so i remember the rice, forget the nonsense, and come home calling her rice girl, still). i look up at rice girl and i temporarily forget what you're supposed to say in a situation like this, and i think i say something dumb, like 'oh,' or 'ok.' so i'm looking through the pictures still. there's lots more too. as i'm looking, she's standing next to me and talking to me. she asks 'how's school?' i say 'it's stupid.' she says i have to stay in, and says to rice girl 'tell her to stay in school.' i don't remember if rice girl tells me that or not. but then christine asks her 'don't i always say i shouldn't have quit?' and rice girl says yeah. i complain 'but it's so dumb.' christine says 'it's not dumb.' i say it's irrelevant. or pointless. or i forget what word i used, but she asks 'you're not learning anything?' i tell her i'm learning, but just dumb stuff. she says 'change your major.' i finish looking at the pictures and hand them back to her and ask 'to what?' as i push the cart into a spot where it actually fits. she asks 'what do you like doing?' that's where my problem comes... there's no school subject that i like doing... i say 'getting carts,' not becuase i really like it, but because it's the first thing that pops into my head, and i sure do like it more than school. she laughs and says 'then you've got issues.' then they're going to leave, and she says 'stay in school. i'll be stopping in to check up on you.' i tell her i'm staying in, just taking one class. she's walking out the door and she says 'two,' like she's trying to bargain again. i say no, just one. she's outside now, talking through the glass. she holds up 2 fingers and says 'come on, two is what i said,' meaning what she said before, when we had this discussion. i shrug and say brightly 'it's too late!' and she laughs and they leave and i'm happy.

i'm happy. did i say that already? i'm happy. a month. that's how long it's been since i've seen her. exactly a month, from the last time i talked to her until this time. i missed her. i made her laugh, just a little. i wish i had done better, but it's ok, really. and she said she'd be back to check up on me. she didn't say when, and maybe it will be another month, or even two. but she said she'd be back. i don't have to kill her again; she'll be back sometime. i'm just happy. and it's not like i think she's hot. well, i suppose i do, but that thought didn't cross my mind when she was right there. i wasn't thinking about her body; i was thinking about her. she was here. she was talking to me. she is nice. she is great. i like christine. terrie, on the other hand... now there's a body i like to look at. i find myself sneaking glances at her ass all the time. it's probably a bad habit to get into, but if it's the reason that i'm not trying to look at christine's ass anymore, then i don't mind at all. i like christine. she still asks if i'm ok. she still makes sure i'm staying in school. even if i never cross her mind when i'm not right in front of her face, at least when she sees me, she still cares enough to check up on me. that's good enough to make me extremely happy, or at least right now it is. christine is great. i am great becuase i saw her and i talked to her and she still remembers me and she still checks up on me, and promises to do it again. i am happy.