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stupidfool
warning: i am probably making very little sense.

last night, i went to bed at about 3:30. i set two alarms, one for 7, and one for 7:15. i figured i would turn off the first one, and wake up to the second. it's just like the snooze button, only you don't have to worry about hitting off instead of snooze. then i tried to sleep. i was still awake at 4:30. i think i fell asleep around 5. the next thing i remember, an alarm is ringing. i think 'oh good, i can sleep for 15 more minutes.' i turn the alarm off, and then the phone is ringing and i look at the clock and it's 8:15. i don't know what went wrong, or which alarm i remember turning off, but i was supposed to be at work 15 minutes ago. it takes a while for this to sink in, and by the time i get up, the phone isn't ringing any more, but teena has left a message on the machine. i immediately call her back. this was a bad idea. i can't do a phone conversation without rehearsing when i'm wide awake, and i am not even half awake right now. i don't know exactly what i say, but it's something that's trying to tell her that it's me and i'm sorry and i overslept, only it's sure not that clear. i finish stringing words together and wait for her response. there's silence, and finally, she asks, in complete confusion, 'what?!?!?!?! loser, you're speaking broken english.' i say, 'oh.' she asks 'are you coming in?' i say yes. she says 'but you overslept, so you're going to be late.' i agree. she says ok, good, see you soon. i hang up and feel dumb and guilty and really really really tired.

i get ready fast and catch the bus. rashid is on the bus, and he talks to me. he says i look tired. i am. we talk. he forgot his name tag. i offer him my extra and he takes it. when we get there, he asks them for his own, but two people called off today, a new girl quit, and we're already busy (why do people go to the store at 9 in the morning? don't they know they should be sleeping?), so they don't have time for that. he puts my name tag on.

terrie is here. she got here at 9 too. she looks good. i like terrie ok. she makes me laugh, and she's nice. i don't think she's near as great as i think christine is. but i have come to realize that i am head-over-heels in lust with terrie. she is sooo unbelievably hot. today she's wearing this big warm fuzzy sweater. something funny happens to me when i see fuzzy warm shirts on beautiful girls. i want to touch them, and put my face in them, and snuggle up into them. the shirts, i mean. but while they're still on the girl, so i guess i mean the girl too. anyway, i'm pretty sure that terrie's sweater is the only thing keeping me awake. every time i look at it, a different body part longs to touch it. it looks so comfortable... mmmmmm...

a few hours into work, terrie calls me on the intercom and asks why rashid is wearing my name tag. i tell her he forgot his, so he needed one. she starts to protest-'but that's not his name...' and then stops herself-'never mind.' but the next time i see rashid, he's not wearing a name tag. he says terrie let him wear it for a bit after she noticed it, but after a while, she couldn't take it any more, and made him take it off. i'm not sure where my extra name tag is now. it's not the end of the world. it's just that my real name tag has a sticker on it from christine. when christine went to jail, i couldn't stand to see it. how can i wear a sticker that reminds me that christine said she loved me, when she doens't love me? she abandons me. i stuck it under my bed and said i lost it, which is how i got the extra. then when christine came in and smiled at me and said she missed me and told me not to quit school and talked to me in the dark forever, i decided that there was no need to hide that under my bed any more. christine still loves me. it's ok. so the extra went into my coat pocket, and now to rashid. so i'm hoping i won't need the extra name tag any more, becuase i'm hoping that i won't ever feel like she's abandoned me again, but i worry that i should keep it just in case... but i don't have it and i don't know actually who has it-rashid or terrie.

jim comes in. i don't know why he comes, but when i go on my first break, he's up there, waiting for mike to finish with the microwave. he says he's going to eat before he goes to campus to finish his final stuff. i talk to him and grant and mike for a long time. mike and grant have little conversations on their own too, and while they do, i tell jim how rashid and i said terrie was dating jp, and she got upset. he laughs, especially when i tell him the whole story about how we accidentally arrived at that conclusion. he said he bet if terrie knew where we got the idea from, instead of thinking that we made it up just to talk about her, she wouldn't be as upset. then they start talking about how you can eat a raw octopus or something, and i'm listening in intent horror when i hear terrie calling me back up front. i took too long. oops. i always feel awful when i do that... i go up there and i think i look as guilty as i feel. terrie laughs, comes over to me, grabs my wrist, and uses the pen she's holding to lightly hit my arm. she says 'bad girl,' and then she's over it and she cheerfully sends me off to take over for rashid, before i can even apologize.

terrie bags for liz a lot. i think terrie likes liz. probably not like, like that, since liz is younger than me and straight and has a boyfriend, but more like she likes christine. liz acts like a real person, not a little kid, so of course she's better than me. i'm on express. i don't get a bagger anyway, so i can almost pretend like she's only not bagging for me becuase she can't.

the positive news though, is the break list. terrie was coordinator, and the coordinators store the break list in a few places. they either put it over on self-check, on an empty register, or on an express lane. usually when terrie's coordinator, i'm on self-check, and she keeps the break list over there. today, jeff's on self-check, i'm on express, and she keeps the break list by me. it could be a coincidence (of course, since i do have this tendancy to over-analyze everything...), but maybe she keeps it by me on purpose. i like to read it, and i told her that once. plus, i like that any time she wants to look at it, she has to come over and stand by me. she smells good, she looks good, and there's a good chance that she'll end up saying something to me, giving me a chance to talk to her like a normal human being. i usually blow my chance. it's ok. she still looks good. speaking of how terrie looks... it gets hot as the day goes on and she takes the warm fuzzy mmmmm sweater off and the shirt she's wearing under it is short and when she stretches to reach something, i see her back or her sides and i go crazy. i feel guilty, like i'm breaking some sort of law or like i'm looking at pornography or something, and i try to not look, but i can't tear my eyes away. sometimes i think she knows i'm looking. sometimes i feel like we're playing our own little game. sometimes i stare at her, and as i finally tear my eyes away, out of the corner of my eye, i catch a glimpse of her turning to look at me, like she knew i was staring and was trying to catch me in the act. and then sometimes, i'll be casually looking around, ready to feast my eyes on terrie when they find her, but when i see her she's already watching me, so i keep on looking around like i wasn't searching for her. sometimes she walks past me and then right when i think she's about to dissapear from view, instead, she turns arond and looks back at me, like she's watching for me to be watching her. usually, i'm not. usually, i'm careful about when i stare. like when she's helping liz one register in front of me, i stare. becuase she's helping liz, so she's not going to look at me. when she's almost done helping liz, i avert my eyes elsewhere, so i can just see them in my peripheral vision. as she turns to leave, i see her glance at me, but i'm not looking anymore. sometimes i think we're playing a secret game and i'm winning. sometimes i think she's winning. sometimes i think i'm crazy for thinking there's a game going on at all and that maybe i have the wildest imagination ever.

a little before it's time for me to go home, terrie asks if i'm staying til 5. i don't know if she's asking me to stay til 5 or if she just wants to know when i think i'm going home, so i mumble something completely unrelated. like i think i say 'rashid gets off at 5.' i don't know if i just got lucky or not, but she rephrases the question and asks since i came in an hour late this morning, can i stay an hour late tonight. i say sure. i have nothing better to do (besides sleep...) but terrie is asking me... AND she's going to be here. she's hot. why not?

rashid asks terrie if he can leave 5 minutes early so he can catch the bus, instead of waiting 45 minutes for the next one. we're crazy busy, but she lets him. she calls me over the intercom and asks if i need to leave now too. i tell her no, i can just wait for the next bus. she thanks me and tells me in the same grateful voice that helen will take over for me blah blah... when i hang up, my ear feels good from her voice being in it. that's something that's never happened to me before. it tingles all happy-like. if i could put terrie's voice on a tape, i could wear headphones all day and wander around in a state of bliss.

i don't work tomorrow or tuesday becuase i'm going to be studying and taking finals. i probably won't actually do much studying, but just in case i decide to study, i thought i should give myself all the time in the world for it. if i had to work, i would have a convenient excuse. now, there's no reason i shouldn't study, so maybe i will, a little.

so i come home and study a little. a little is about 5 minutes total, although i sat on the floor with my books for over an hour. i can't concentrate. when i'm not tired, i can't concentrate becuase i want to be moving and doing stuff. when i'm tired, i can't concentrate becuase my mind wanders. i'll be looking at my math homework, and the next thing i know, 20 minutes have passed, and i haven't made any progress becuase i've been daydreaming, or just thinking. i do a lot of thinking when i'm tired, which is probably a bad time to think. i would maybe arrive at more logical conclusions if i thought when i was wide awake.

i don't remember why i don't just go to bed. oh wait, i remember. becuase i need to talk to molly. only an hour til molly gets home. maybe i can study for that time.