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stupidfool
today i worked. liz was there. liz has been there not even a month, and she's already ahead of me in a variety of categories.
1) she's already learning self-check. ok, so i know self-check too, and right now, i probably know it better than her. there's a chance that she's only learning it so she can run it and they can move me to the office, but still, i had been there a year before i learned self-check... i'm just jealous.
2) she is tight with terrie. terrie wasn't even there today, but i want to be tight with terrie! i want terrie to bag for me and laugh with me and talk to me like she does to liz! this is my fault, becuase terrie talks to me too, only i always end up sounding 7, so the conversation is over before it starts. i'm mad at me and jealous of liz.
3) liz and taysha are practically best friends. taysha has been here for a while, but she was really quiet. in the past month or so, she's actually started to talk to people a little bit. it's been real gradual. appearance-wise, taysha reminds me a lot of rice girl. they're both tall, thin, black, and somewhat majestic looking. they seem like they ought to be... african princesses or something... i think christine saw the resemblance too, becuase taysha was one of her favorites. i like taysha, so i always try to talk to her. but mostly, we can't have conversations becuase i am 7 and she is quiet. now liz shows up, and all of a sudden, the two of them are inseperable, and now i can talk to taysha. now, the two of them talk to me and i can make them laugh, and liz tells taysha stories about me and taysha laughs and tells me i'm so funny. and i wasn't funny before liz got here? i dunno, it just bothers me a little.

but, to override all that jealousy, we have jim. jim makes me smile. first, i had about 4 strings hanging from my shirt that i wanted to get rid of. i was trying to rip them off, but i wasn't doing a very good job. jim strolls by, and he's got his box cutter with him. i ask to borrow it, but i need a third hand to do it. he volunteers to cut them. so he's bent over, with his head right at my waist level, and as he's cutting, he comments 'it would be pretty funny if ann walked by right now...' then he mocks her, saying, 'jim, you need to understand that no means no.' i laugh. it's the first time either of us has said anything about that whole chain of events since the first and only time we discussed it, right after it happened. it feels ok. he can joke about how the policelady thought he was sexually harassing me. he knows that goes hand in hand with me being a lesbian... jim is funny.

then later, i'm on break and jim sneaks up to take a break with me. we're talking, and i tell him all about my toys. lately, i've been playing with toys a lot, becuase i have nothing better to do. i like toys. i tell him about my legos and yo-yos and tennis balls and my ps2 and the 64. he laughs and says he wishes his life was that carefree. i tell him my life is sure not carefree. then he starts saying how my 21st birthday is coming up, and i should go get drunk. he says you shouldn't be able to say that you're 21, and never have been the slightest bit tipsy. there's nobody else up here, so i decide to tell him the truth. i say 'i don't drink becuase i'm afraid i would say something i mean.' he doesn't understand for a little. i tell him how molly swears she'll never tell me something, and then when she's drunk, all i have to do is ask, and she'll forget that it's a secret. he laughs and asks what kind of big secrets i have (becuase he's still thinking of me and my carefree life full of yo-yos, legos, and video games). i tell him he knows. then he understands...
he says i should only get drunk with people who i know i can trust.
i ask, 'like who?'
he says 'well, your friends...' then he evidently remembers something christine told him (becuase i swear i didn't discuss this with him... did i?) and says, 'oh that's right, you're worried they would think differently of you, or even kick you out.'
i agree, and he asks if i have any other friends that i don't live with. i tell him they're all from home, and i know it would wind up getting back to my parents, and they own the second place that i can't afford to get kicked out of. that's not exactly true. i don't really think they'll kick me out, and maybe i do want my parents to know, but it's an easy explanation. i can't tell my friends becuase i'm scared. not scared of being kicked out, but just scared of them knowing. getting kicked out is real though. that's something that he can understand me being afraid of, so i use it as an excuse.
he says 'well who could you get drunk with?'
i think this might be a hypothetical question, but i answer, 'you and christine.'
he says brightly, 'ok! that way you don't have to be worried about spilling the beans! you can just relax.'
i laugh. i don't really see this happening, which is good, becuase i'm afraid of something different with christine... i'm not afraid of saying something to indicate that i'm gay, becuase she already knows that, but of saying something to indicate that i like her. there were times at work that it took all the self-restraint i had to refrain from reaching out and touching her. if i had more than a sip of alcohol in my system, i'm afraid i wouldn't be able to keep my hands off of her... i might have gotten better. now when i see her, i'm so busy being happy that she's there, and that she doesn't hate me, and that she's looking out for me, and that she's the greatest person in the world that i don't really think about touching her. it could mean i'm cured, or it could just mean she doesn't stick around long enough for me to get over those things and back into her physical beauty. i'd rather find out which it is when i'm sober.
anyway, jim muses, 'man, that must really suck,' in this quiet voice.
i look up at him, and he's absolutely serious. i've never seen him like this... he's always just one step away from making things into a joke, but now he appears to be speaking in earnest. he says, with feeling, 'it must be like living in prison...'
then, like he suddenly realizes that he's not supposed to be this serious about things, he jokes 'i mean, you can't even enjoy beer!'
i tell him, 'it helps that i don't like the taste of beer.'
he laughs, and we joke around for a bit, and then he starts to say something. 'you know-' he stops abruptly, and says awkwardly, 'i don't even know if you want to discuss this...'
after an introduction like that, how could i not want to discuss it...? i ask, 'what?'
he begins again, in that same awkward voice, 'you know, there's a group for that on campus...' i want to give him a hug. he's obviously uncomfortable with this discussion, but i know he's doing it for me. unfortunately, i'm not any more comfortable with this topic than he is, so i just look at my hands and tell him i know.
he adds, 'it's a real big thing... i mean, not just a few kids or something...'
i say 'yeah, but then they'd know.'
he says yeah, but at least my friends wouldn't, and i wouldn't have to worry about losing what i already have.
i tell him that one of the officers of that group is friends with alana's boyfriend. this is the truth. they're not that close, but they are friends, and she is an officer. again, though, this is the easy explanation. i don't think there's much of a chance that it would ever get back to alana or her boyfriend. the girl does know him, but she doesn't know i know him, and she doesn't even know me. plus, i don't even think they talk any more. i just know he talked to her sometimes spring quarter, becuase they had a class together. if i just went once, i don't even know if she'd notice me at all, and i'm sure she wouldn't go search out alana's boyfriend to tell him hey, there's this new girl and she looks like this and her name is loser and i was wondering if you knew her... maybe if i went a lot, and got to know the girl, she'd mention me to him sometime, if she ever even saw him... but if i knew her well enough for her to mention me, i probably wouldn't care if she told him. i mean, if i had a whole group of gay friends, i would probably be a lot more comfortable with the thought of my straight friends knowing. if they didn't like it, i'd have all my gay friends to turn to. i'm just scared. i'm scared of them knowing, just like i was scared of jim knowing, and like i'm still scared of terrie knowing. i know the gay group on campus wouldn't care, just like i knew jim wouldn't care, and i know terrie won't care, but i still can't bring myself to admit it to any of them, no matter how much i know they won't care. i think i do need to get over those fears. but i feel like i ought to get over it a person at a time, gradually, not by suddenly coming out to a group of hundreds of strangers.
he says that sucks, and that it's a small world.
then we go back to joking about other stuff, and then i realize that my break was over 10 minutes ago, so i head back downstairs.

other than that, work was uneventful. i come home and play with my toys. i am 7... but jim is great. jim and christine are the greatest. i am glad they exist...

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Toys are great!

(Anonymous)
I think toys are great fun too :) What you really need to get hold of are bubbles - not only top notch entertainment, but a good way to relax too, I find.

Oh, and I have made it my mini-mission to teach you more words and make you use them 3 times! I shall go ponder what word will be next...

The Small Faced Boy

yeah, i like bubbles! and sidewalk chalk. i love drawing pictures on the ground! (in my mind, bubbles and sidewalk chalk go together, for some reason...)

Re: Toys are great!

(Anonymous)
Sidewalk chalk? There's a different type of chalk for writing on pavements? Or do you mean pastels? I'm intrigued...

Another good toy: little green plastic soldiers! They're fantastic! I'm gonna go see if I can find mine...

The Small Faced Boy

you've never used sidewalk chalk?!?!? it's just like the chalk you use on chalkboards, but really fat so it covers more area when you're coloring. and they come in an insane variety of colors. like, we had swirled chalk so you could color like 3 colors at once, with one piece of chalk. we always used it in our driveway and on the sidewalk when i was little, but now i only get to color the sidewalks when i'm at home, becuase they're way too busy here...

i never had those soldiers. i wanted some when toy story came out, but the world convinced me that i was too old for them.

Re: Toys are great!

(Anonymous)
You're never too old for toy plastic soldiers! I went down to the European Computer Trade Show last year and they were giving them away. Me and my mate got handfuls. The train ride back was fun - just imagine two 19-year-olds and an 18-year-old playing with small green plastic soldiers, and also going through practise drills so we could hide them whenever the waitress came by. Eventually she found us out. We asked for tea, and as she lifted up the cup she found a toy soldier hiding inside an empty sugar packet...

Sadly, I've only ever used normal chalk. I dunno if we can get the fatter variety over here. Shall keep an eye out for them. Anyway, lectures beckon, ttyl,

The Small Faced Boy

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