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stupidfool
terrie was at work for the first 2 hours of my shift. she had me go help rex get carts, and then get trash. i went to get the trash from behind the service desk and jane was back there. she asked when i got off work today, and when i told her, she asked if i wanted to go to this bar. i was completely confused. the place she was talking about, they don't play music or anything like that. it's just a bar. can you even get into a place like that if you're under 21? and even if you can, why would she be asking me to go? so i just stare at her in confusion. she says 'a bunch of us are going after work... me, michelle, terrie, alyssa...' now i'm even more confused. i have no idea what to say, so i slowly say, 'i'm not 21...' she says oh that's right, never mind, and then she has to go bring a key to somebody, so she leaves and i get the trash. when she gets back, i've got the last of the trash and i'm on my way to leave. she says, 'i don't know why i was thinking you were 21.' i offer 'i'll be 21 soon... in may...' she laughs and i leave with my trash and that's all it's mentioned.

this bothers me. i sure can't figure out why it bothers me. i should be happy that she invited me, and glad that my age was an easy excuse to not go, becuase bars are not my thing. overall, i should feel fine about this, but i just feel really bothered.
i don't get it. why would she invite me to go with them? it's not becuase she didn't want me to feel bad; if she hadn't mentioned it, i would have had no idea that they were going. do i really seem to fit in with that group? alyssa is close to my age, but out of the rest of them, terrie is the youngest, and she's 10 years older than me. why would jane ask ME to go? maybe becuase she didn't want alyssa to feel so young? why did she ask alyssa? since when is alyssa friends with any of them??? in fact, since when is michelle friends with jane and terrie? still, all of them fit better than i fit. i can't even picture me in a social setting with terrie, jane, and michelle, and feeling like i belonged there. i would feel like i was their kid. i'm sure alyssa could manage just fine.
christine used to do that. she's only a few months older than alyssa, and she used to go out with them. i wonder if christine is going to be there tonight. she could be. she lives with terrie, so terrie could go home and invite her and i know jane would be glad to see her there.
i wonder what would have happened if i was 21. i wonder if i would have gone. i wonder if i would have wanted to go. i think maybe i would, and that's why this whole sitaution is bothering me so much-becuase i wanted to go, but i couldn't. but why would i want to go? becuase terrie is hot? because terrie is a lesbian, and jane is still her best friend, and that means that they would both like me if they knew? becuase i think they already know and don't care? or maybe it's just becuase after work, i walk home all by myself, and it's cold and dark. i pass the bar on the way. they're not there yet, but other people are in there, talking and laughing, and soon they will be too. i see various cheerful places and hear groups of people talking and having fun, and the whole time, i'm alone. then i come home and it's cold and dark and empty in here too. molly is at work. alana is at her boyfriend's. i'm by myself. sometimes i don't mind being alone, but sometimes it gets to me, and i just feel hopelessly lonely. tonight is one of those nights. it's not even just that i'm physically alone. it's also becuase i start to think about my life as a whole, and i realize just how alone i am... i am fake. everything i do, everything they think i am, it's all fake. i think i have friends, but i have no idea if they really are my friends. in real life, my world consists of two people. they're both great, but one of them, i'm lucky to see once a month. the other, i see more often, but still, i only see him when i'm at work. they help, and i'm grateful for them, but they're not keeping me from feeling alone right now. nothing is, and that sucks, because loneliness can get overwhelming...

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