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at 5 a.m. alana was sleeping, lauren was gone, molly was at work, and i got hungry. so i ate some sardines on rye bread. at 5:10 a.m. alana came out of her bedroom becuase apparently, she had been awakened by the smell of sardines. she politely (and sleepily) asked if i could please not eat sardines when she's home because the smell makes her sick. i can't decide if i think this is an unfair request or not, but even if it is, i'm not going to argue. i am about to agree with her when molly walks in the door. she asks why alana's awake, and i tell her, 'so she can ask me not to eat sardines.' i wasn't looking to start an argument, but i guess by now, i should know that mentioning alana to molly is going to start an argument. molly starts saying that that's completely unfair, and i can eat what i want to eat, and if she doesn't like it, fuck her... alana is arguing back half-heartedly at first, just saying that we ought to respect each other, and that this isn't a completely unreasonable request. molly thinks it is, and voices this opinion. as alana wakes up, this develops into a full-blown argument... i hate fights. i want to dissappear. then i figure that if the smell of sardines makes alana sick, i should probably take out the trash bag that contains the sardine can. glad for an excuse to leave the room, i take out the trash (the long way-i don't need to give them another reason to fight), and leave them in there, fighting about me.

this sort of thing is nothing new, i guess, but as i slowly headed out to the dumpster, i was thinking about me, and my tendancy to avoid confrontations... because i think maybe it's a bad thing. any time i disagree with somebody, i'll usually toss out my point of view. if they still don't agree, or even if they don't acknowledge my side as valid, i'll give in. i don't want to fight, and i don't even really know how to fight. it's easier to just say 'you're right. i'll do it your way,' and then do it their way. in the past, i've turned in group projects that i knew were partly wrong, just becuase my partner thought he was right, and i gave in. i don't stand up for myself. i think this is part of the reason that i'm so scared to come out of the closet. if somebody tells me that it's just a phase, or that i'm not really a lesbian, or that through counseling, i can become straight, i'll probably tell them they're wrong. but if they insist, i can see myself giving in, and i don't want that. i know i'm defintely a lesbian, and it's not a phase, and i don't want to waste any more time trying to be straight because i know it's not going to happen. i don't want to come out, and then get shoved back in. i want to come out, and i want them to know i'm a lesbian, like it or not. if i pick the wrong person to come out to, that might not happen.

so i was thinking maybe i should practice fighting. this seems to be a silly thought. how about i just pick some random people off the streets, and start saying things until i find something they disagree with? or how about i just disagree with everything everybody says? seriously, how do you practice arguing? it's a little too late to join the debate team...

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Put 'em up!

I'll fight with you! j/k
Seriously, though, the best way (I've found) of developing argument skills is to practise on either people you know who aren't going to take it over-seriously, or to find someone online (say through ICQ) who is reasonably intelligent and just debate stuff with them. I know that sounds really bizarre and geeky, but it's much more normal sounding in my head, honest...

The Small Faced Boy

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