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i had a whole thing written here, and then i accidentally stepped on the power strip and turned off my computer. that makes me mad becuase i didn't even make sense the first time through, and i know it'll be worse this time.

this hot girl was a customer today. she asked me for vinegar. i was confused and told her the wrong place. then i realized it, felt bad, and went and found her and gave her the right answer. she looked like a lesbian and dressed like a lesbian and sounded like a lesbian and i think i'm stereotyping here. she kept giving me this funny little half smile. when she went to leave, i was helping somebody else, but i glanced over at her as she passed me, and her chin was tilted down and she was looking up at me with that same little smile. i sort of smiled back and my entire routine was disturbed. it was a funny feeling and it wasn't all good either. scary. i hate when things are different. this was different. maybe i made it all up. maybe all customers smile at me that much, and i just don't notice becuase they're not hot potential lesbians.

terrie complained about dylan today. she said, 'i can't stand that kid. he's such a faggot. i'll say it to his face, too, if he comes back.' see, but he's not gay. terrie complains about dylan a lot. she really seems to hate him, for some reason. dylan is 21 and works in produce, but he's pretty lazy. usually, instead of doing his job, he'll come up to the front and help bag, but he only bags for young girls who look half decent, like alyssa and liz. he seems nice enough to me, but terrie doesn't think so. when he goes back to produce, she'll make fun of the way he attatches himself to the end of liz's lane, and liz thinks terrie's funny, and thinks nothing of dylan. terrie always makes fun of that, and she always says she hates him, but at separate times. i think the two are somehow related, that she hates him and that he likes to bag for young girls. i don't know how. rashid says terrie just hates all guys. i think that's not true. i think she seems to like some guys, like tyrone and malik and jp, and i think that's all i can think of. that's scary a little. they're all black. i wonder if it's a coincidence. and she said faggot. caushun says he wants to take the word faggot, and turn it like rappers did for the word nigger. caushun has a long way to go, since most people don't even know who he is. and terrie meant it mean, anyway. i'm really confused. how come i can't picture terrie being nice to any white guys or mean to any black guys? and how can terrie be a lesbian, and use the word 'faggot' as an insult? and how about that girl who kept smiling at me? i'm stupid. i know nothing. i think tomorrow i'm going to give rashid the 'faggot' thing as proof that terrie's not a lesbian, just to see what he thinks.

one last topic: going home. i work tomorrow and the next day, and then the day after that, i go home for christmas.
i don't want to go home. i don't want to stay here either. except maybe i do becuase i like to look at terrie. and christine might come to the store. or maybe i want to go home, becuase i still talk to brandy, and maybe through her, i can see holly, and i definitely want to see holly. seeing holly makes me happy. but not like christine.
when i come back, terrie could be gone. i think she probably won't be, becuase she always says she's leaving, but she never really seems to do it. but jim could be gone too, and that could really happen. it's a little weird to think i might only see jim 2 more times in my life.
i want to see christine before i go.
i had this half-plan to come out to my family over christmas break, but now that it's 3 days away, i'm thinking there's not a chance of that. see, i'm all talk. i say i'll do it, as long as it seems far away. i think things will have changed by then, and i'll have changed by then, but nothing ever changes. i'm always the same frightened little wimp i've always been. if it weren't for christine, i would have never kept that january 7th promise i made to myself, either. if nobody else drags me out of my closet, i'll probably stay in it for the rest of my life. i get frustrated with myself.

is it obvious that i'm not feeling very upbeat today?