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stupidfool
second attempt at typing coherently:
it begins: i arrive at work and i'm early. jim and murphy are in the break room. we talk about my legos, and i say, like i say to everybody, 'you should see them!' he says he ought to. he jokes 'me and murphy will stop over at your place after work.' i say, 'okay, but i'll probably still be here.' i sort of want him to come. i think he's serious, and i sort of am too. i like jim. tomorrow might be the last day i'll ever see jim, and i don't want that. i don't really care if he sees my legos or not (although i do love to show them off to anybody who's willing), but i feel like if he comes over, i can almost say he's my friend. when he was just a co-worker, i might not see him after he quits working with me. but if he's my friend, i might get to see him again... he asks when i get off, and i tell him 10:30, and he says he's off at 10. i say, half-seriously, but leaving it open for him to take it as either an invitation or a joke, 'well you can just play with self-check for a half hour, and then come see my legos!' he says ok, and i don't know if he means it or not.

rashid comes in, and i tell him marie said he didn't smoke. then i tell him i have more proof, but billie is right there, so i don't want to tell him. he says come on, come on, and as she's leaving, i finally start. 'you know that kid from produce, dylan?' he says yeah. i say 'she called him a faggot. come on, gay people don't say stuff like that, do they?' he agrees that they don't, and says so that gives me like 75% probably, right? i say yeah, and then jim walks by. he says 'ask jim!' so jim stops. i play dumb and say, 'ask jim what?' he says you know, our theory... i have to help a customer, and while i do, i hear him whispering to jim that i don't believe terrie's a lesbian. rashid tells him to tell me he is. jim shrugs and says he doesn't know and walks away quickly. i am a little worried about what jim is thinking. i know he knows terrie is a lesbian. i don't know why he won't say it now. i also know he knows that i know terrie's a lesbian, and i wonder if he thinks it's strange that rashid says i don't believe that.

at a few minutes after 10, i go up to turn in some money, and jim is up there talking to jane. he says asks if i'll let him give me a ride home, or if i'm going to make him drive alongside the bus. this means he's really coming... i laugh and tell him he can give me a ride.

christine was at the store. i'm so used to seeing christine where she's not that i didn't even realize that it was really her for a few minutes. i was supposed to have clocked out, but i was still getting the trash. i realized it was time to go, but i wanted to finish, so i was running around like a maniac, gathering the trash while justin laughed at me. in the middle of my mad race to get the trash, i realized that christine was standing by the service desk, talking to jim. i finished up the trash and ran the break board over to the service desk. christine asks how i am, with that concern that means she means more than just the regular question, and i say fine, and then run to clock out. then i didn't know what to do. normally, i would go get my coat, but i was leaving with jim, so maybe i should go see him... and he was by christine... i went over there. they were talking. christine says 'so i told her she could have have lost one of her workers, and i wasn't doing anything but trying to help her.' jim says he doesn't know where she got that idea. christine says she doesn't know either, and she wasn't here to disrupt anything, just to help somebody out. and she only came back to check on somebody. they are speaking quietly and i stand silently and listen and i think that the 'her's are the policelady and me. i don't know if i should say anything. i don't know if i should be here. but then somehow the conversation shifts and includes me. christine asks me about school. i say it stinks. she asks how many classes i'm taking next quarter. i say one. she says that wasn't how our deal went. i say 'but-'
she interrupts, 'no buts.'
i protest, 'but-'
'there were no buts in our deal.'
'but-'
she laughs and says 'no, we didn't have any buts.'
i say, 'but i have a but!'
she laughs and i realize i made christine laugh. i am still the same me. and i am happy. i am sitting here, talking to jim and christine, at the same time. the two people who know the truth about me are both with me, talking to me, and i feel good. i am me. i can be me if i want to be me. it's ok. i'm ok. i feel so peaceful and happy and good. this is great. i would think this would motivate me to come out of the closet to more people, so i can feel this way all the time, but i think part of the magic is just christine. christine is my favorite person in the world, and that has to be a part of the reason i'm so happy.
i say it's a big class, and she asks how many credit hours. i tell her 5, and she asks if i couldn't pick up 3 more somewhere else. i wrinkle up my nose and say, 'but i don't want more classes.'
she asks, 'well then how many are you taking the next quarter?'
i shrug and say i dunno.
she asks 'three?'
i say maybe. she says i better, to make up for this, or i'll never graduate. she says she'll be back to check up on me, even though she's not allowed...

i don't remember any logical progression here. but sometime, she says how she wanted to talk to jane, to find out about her roommate. jim is confused and asks what and christine says she never sees terrie becuase one of them is always at work.

sometime, we talk about the scary man a little.

sometime, they bring up the policelady again. i ask 'yeah! what happened with that?' christine says they have no idea, and that's what they were talking about before. she said after that whole event, the policelady still worked here for like a week, but then she stopped, and they don't know if it's a coincidence or not. then she says ann told her (christine) she couldn't come back. she doesn't say when this happened, but i know. it makes things make more sense. it happened friday, october 26th. i wrote
ok, christine says something to sara, and then she talks to ann in private for a minute, and then she leaves right away. i wonder what ann had to say to her, or what she had to say to ann.
what ann had to say to her was that she couldn't come back (and that's why i went a month before i saw her again). christine says this, now. that ann said that she shouldn't come in here anymore, becuase she was creating a disturbance, or being a distraction. christine says she doesn't understand this, and me and jim don't either. she says she could understand if ann had told her that right away, becuase she did take the money, but it wasn't the money that ann had a problem with; it was apparantly her talking to me. she says she doesn't see how she should get in trouble for talking to me, becuase i was going to quit, and all she did was get me to stay, and if anything, they should be thanking her for that. and she said the main reason she came in that day was just to check up on me, becuase she was looking out for me, not becuase she was trying to create some disturbance or anything like that, but ann still told her not to come back. she said one time, she came back and sat in the parking lot for a half hour, until she saw ann leave, so she could come inside.
then she says terrie might have been involved in her getting kicked out of the store. she says she got home that night, and told terrie that ann had told her not to come back. terrie just said oh, and walked away, but then the next morning, terrie said 'i feel kinda bad about you not being able to come back, becuase it might be partly my fault.' christine tried to get her to explain better, but she wouldn't say anything else.
christine says she thinks it had something to do with the policelady too, though. she says she was in the policelady's write-up, even though neither she nor jim know what it said, or where the policelady thought she got the right to say anything about anything at all. that's what i don't get either. how could the policelady possibly think she knew anything? she must jump to conclusions worse than me. they don't even know how she thought jim was involved at all, becuase christine said nothing about him. i offer my ideas on this, and say 'marie.' they look at me and i explain, 'becuase i was all hiding behind the desk and marie kept screaming jim and the policelady kept asking if something was wrong.'
jim asks why i was hiding, and i say i was scared. he asks of what.
i say 'you!' christine laughs, and i clarify,' well, not really you. you were far away,' and i wave to the other end of the store. 'more just the thought of you. like i'd think 'jim,' and then ayyyyy-yiii!!!!' and i cover my face and duck, just like i was doing that day.
i bet you didn't know you had that effect on people… they both laugh a lot and christine asks with a smile, 'how come you can't make complete sentances?' i cover my face and get embarrassed and she laughs and says it's ok, it's funny in a good way. i say 'but marie kept saying jim to me, and that was making me hide worse, and the policelady was right there watching.' she asks why marie was screaming jim. i say i don't know, and i ask jim if he remembers her screaming that, and he says yeah, she was high that day. i laugh and he says she really was. christine says that's another reason she came back, to apologize to that ho. then she corrects herself, and says, 'i told her i wouldn't call her that anymore. that chick. to apologize to that chick.' i don't know why she apologized to marie, but i wish i knew. she asks what marie was doing and i explain that really, that's about it. she just kept screaming jim becuase it was making me go crazy, but the policelady watched it all. christine says maybe that's what made the policelady include jim in her write-up, then.
she says when she got back inside that night, the policelady was kept asking her what happened and what was going on, and christine wouldn't tell her. she says she thinks maybe the policelady was just upset because christine wouldn't tell her anything, but she wasn't going to becuase she told me she wouldn't. she says she didn't tell anybody, except jim, because i said she could. she says, to jim, 'loser didn't want to talk about it either, but she did because i forced her to.' only she didn't say forced. like made her. or dragged her. or i forget the word and it bothers me a lot that i can't remember the word she used. and then she looks at me and says 'i think it helped, don't you?' i can't remember how to say yes. i say maybe, or probably, or i don't know, but then i add, 'i'm still here.' she says yeah, and she thinks i wouldn't have come back if it weren't for that, don't you think? and i do.

sometime, she says she used to go home every two weeks, but now her family's not talking to her again. she says she wants to go home for christmas, but doesn't think she can. i say i don't want to but i have to. she says that's bad, that i don't want to. i shrug. she says except for her brother is still talking to her. i say her brother who i'm like. she looks confused and i tell her she always says that and then she remembers and smiles and says yeah, too smart for your own good. jim asks if her brother wears bright-colored bandaids like mine. christine says he's too tough for bandaids. i say mine's for a good reason, and add, 'to keep my skin from falling off.' christine laughs. i show her the chunk of skin hanging and she says cut it. i say, 'i tried, but the scissors kept slip slip slip!' she laughs, and i realize that was another not right sentance, so i turn red and then i fix it-'they kept slipping.' she apologizes, 'i don't mean to laugh at you, loser. it's good. it's a good kind of laugh, honest.'

sometime, she talks to jane while jim and i carry on our own conversation about how to get to my place. jane asks christine if she's working. she is, at a restaurant. jane asks 'you're waiting tables?' christine says yeah, and jane asks if she likes it. she says actually, yeah, and then adds that it's probably partly the people that she's working with. jane asks something about her going home, and she says her family's mad at her again. jane asks why, and she says 'same old, same old,' and i think that means rice girl. then she adds something about spending some of christmas break at rice girl's being why they're mad, and i think it's strange that i knew that before she said. i also think it's strange that i'm managing to have a conversation with jim and still have nearly all my concentration focused on what christine's saying to jane.

then christine says she's going to leave, and she does, and i tell jim i'm going to get my coat, so i do. then me and jim go out to his car. on the way, we talk about different stuff. partly christine. he comments that it didn't seem like jane really wanted to talk to christine, and it's only after he says it that i realize that's true. christine called her a few times, and she was always busy, and when she got un-busy, she never came out to talk to her. and even when she did talk to christine, she stayed in the office while she talked. maybe she had a lot of work to do, but maybe she just didn't want to talk to her. and we also talk about christine and terrie. he says they maybe aren't getting along so good. he says terrie moved in like 2 days before christine got fired, and he thinks that might have sort of changed her mind about christine. he says it's also possible that she just realized, after living with christine for a while, that she didn't really like her. that happens to a lot of people, after they've lived together for a little.

we come back here, and molly and aaron are here. molly thinks it's funny that jim is here, and is happy to talk to him and me. the fact that they're both here makes the situation a lot more comfortable. the majority of my legos are in the main room, where aaron is playing gta3 and molly is building a lego set, so we socialize with them while jim plays with the train and admires all the legos.

i do show him my room, which (aside from all the stolen paraphernalia) has a million posters of various rappers, and also some smaller pictures of female musicians, with one large poster of alicia keys. he laughs and tells me 'you are a thug.' and then he notices alicia keys and says 'she's cute.' things feel funny inside me, but i manage to answer, 'yeah.' i don't even know how much he notices my answer, but i feel free. i just told the truth. i've never said that, aloud. i've never admitted that i think any girl looks good, and i just agreed with jim. this means something. it means i'm still going somewhere. i'm still making progress. i'm doing good. i'm getting better at being me. the next step is to tell somebody else...

he stays for almost an hour, and mostly we talk to molly and aaron the whole time, so it's not just the two of us. then he leaves, and and when he left and he was gone, me and molly buried our heads in the couch and screamed and laughed and kicked becuase after it's over, it seems like it was awkward and weird and crazy and insane, even though it was really ok and normal. when we calmed down, i talk to molly for a while, telling half-truths, and whole-truths where it's not harmful, and trying to sort things out. i tell her about how christine wasn't allowed to come back, and how it might be partly terrie's fault, and how jim still says he'll be gone by the time i get back, and how marie was high when she was screaming at me, that day when molly was there too. being high makes her think of aaron, so i know she'll appreciate that. then she goes to bed and i put things in order til i can almost think straight again. except not straight, because i'm gay.

i am mixed up now. i'm really glad i saw christine. i'm really glad i made her laugh. but i really wish she had given me a good way to tell my family, or molly. i know there wasn't the chance for talking about that. the whole time, jim was right there, amit kept stopping in, and jane was just around the corner. this wasn't really a place for a completely serious conversation. but i wanted that conversation. i need it. i'm scared to do it on my own, but i still want to. i need to practice... i know she would help me if i asked, but i couldn't ask today, and i don't know if i ever can. i'm feeling a little bittersweet. is that the word for good and bad, all at once? and now, i like her too much again. she's gone and i feel more alone becuase she came and went, sort of. only i wouldn't for anything wish she hadn't come. but i sit here and want to cry and want her to be here and hold me for just a minute, and tell me it's ok so i can believe her. nothing more. just that. just to be held for a moment, that's all. is that bad? is it wrong? then, i didn't want that. not when she was there. i just wanted to stand there forever, between her and jim, peeling my bandaid up and back and up and back, glancing up occasionally to both of them, not just her, and listening and sometimes talking, and feeling ok and comfortable and happy, just like that. that was perfect and great and i don't know why i shouldn't be floating now, but i'm not. it's good, isn't it? jim was here and he's pretty much my friend. christine is still looking out for me, and probably the only reason i don't see her more often is becuase ann kicked her out. she’s going to keep checking up on me. that’s good. but i guess it’s not good enough, because i’m not floating. i need her to come back again, and talk to me and tell me how to tell them. or maybe i just think that because i just want to see her again, and i think that’s a good reason. but it is a good reason. i don’t know. terrie will be there tomorrow. maybe christine will come in at the end of the day, after terrie’s gone, and i can ask her how to tell them. probably not. maybe terrie will wear a fuzzy sweater and look so good that i won’t care if christine comes or not. i give up. i should go to bed.