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i was visiting my relatives, and i saw my aunt ellen. it made me start thinking about a lecture she gave me and fly a long long time ago. i guess it was somwhere between 5 and 10 years ago, and we went to the video store to pick out a movie to watch with her and her two kids (mary (currently 16) and joseph(18)). she said we couldn't get a disney movie. jake was with the younger cousins, but fly, d and i were with her. we asked why, and she glanced at d and didn't answer. later, she pulled fly and me aside, apparantly having decided that we were old enough to understand but d was not. she said the reason we weren't allowed to watch a disney movie was becuase she was boycotting disney. and the reason she was boycotting disney was becuase they showed support for homosexuals. they even had something at disney world called 'gay day,' where lots of homosexuals went to disney world. now, my parents are not the most liberal people in the world, and their actions don't always match their words, but they've always taught us that there's nothing really wrong with gays; they're just different. at this point in my life, i wasn't sure if i was gay or not, but i didn't want aunt ellen to suspect anything, and i don't argue to begin with. so i kept my mouth shut, but fly spoke up. she was young enough that she wasn't arguing with my aunt ellen (adults were always right), just trying to figure out how she could be right. she said 'but it's not their fault they're like that, is it?' that was when aunt ellen gave the lecture.

no, it's not their fault. and what's wrong with them isn't that they're gay, although that is a sin. what's wrong is that they think it's not a sin. they think they can go around flaunting it, and being proud of it, and then they expect us to just sit back there and watch it like there's nothing wrong. we are all born sinners. some of us sin more than others, but god forgives sinners, as long as they're repentant. these homosexuals, they're not repentant. disney, as a company, is saying that there's nothing wrong with homosexuals, and that they should feel free to act on any urge that enters their sick minds.
[she lowers her voice, like she's about to tell a big secret, and continues]some people are born with overactive sex drives. did you know that? they want to have sex all the time, with anybody. but as long as they don't act on those urges, there is nothing wrong with that. we will never know, and god will forgive them for their impure thoughts, becuase they are showing their dedication to him by acting only as he would wish them to act. [fly and i are overwhelmed, and i think she interprets our expressions to mean that she's lost us, so she tries from a different angle]have you ever seen something in a store, and you wanted it?[we say we have]sometimes you want it so bad that you could just reach out, grab it off the shelf, and stuff it in your coat. you know that nobody would ever know, so what harm would it do? don't tell me you haven't felt this way, becuase i know you have. everybody has, especially when you're young. but you don't take it. you don't take it because you know that god says it's wrong to steal. it's the same way with homosexuals. they know what they feel is wrong, so some of them choose to follow god's path, and resist those feelings, and live a normal life. however, others give in to those urges and live openly homosexual lives. that's bad enough. what makes it even worse is when companies like disney choose to celebrate the sinners' choice to sin. it would be like having murderers' day at disney world, where a bunch of killers would come have a fun day in the sun, and celebrate all the deaths they had caused. it's just not right. the thought of killing somebody was wrong, but forgiveable. the act of killing somebody was a sin, and to celebrate that sin...? that's just ridiculous, and that's basically what disney is doing. so that's why we can't watch disney movies. how can we support a company like that?

i wasn't ready to deal with that speech, not then. i wasn't even ready to admit to myself that i was a homosexual, much less analyze the moral implications of it. i tossed it away with all of the other events in my life that occured and were immediately forgotten. or i thought i did. but sometimes, something triggers a memory, and you realize that you've got a flawless videorecording in your brain of something that happened years ago, and you can't stop it from playing. aunt ellen had bambi, on her movie shelf. something was wrong with that, and i didn't know what. that's when the speech came into my mind. it was just bits and pieces at first, but i couldn't stop remembering until it was all there. and it played, over and over and over in my mind. i don't like it. i can't understand it. almost anything else, i can deal with.
the people who hate gays becuase they choose to be gay, i can deal with them. i know they're wrong. i can't prove it to anybody, but i know that i never made this choice, and that their reasons for hating me are invalid. and the people who hate gays becuase they can be fixed through therapy, if they would just try? i can't prove that either, but i know they're wrong. just knowing is enough for me. i know that's not a valid reason to hate gays. the people who hate with no real reason are ok too. they don't even have a point. they hate just to hate. i don't like to be hated, and i sometimes get depressed thinking about the people hating me, but i always feel like they're wrong, not me.

this is different. i can't prove that she's wrong. i don't even know if i believe that there is a god, but if there is, my aunt ellen could be right. and then what? i'd rather her just hate me. i'd rather her say 'loser, you're gay, that's wrong, and i hate you for it,' than say 'loser, you're gay, that's wrong, but i'll like you anyway, as long as you pretend to be straight and never mention it again.' i don't want to do that. i want to think it's ok to be me, and this stupid speech has got me scared that it's not. i can't even think about anything else. i went to a movie with cindy and her sister tonight, but i didn't even see the movie. my mind kept replaying the speech, and thinking about it, and trying to figure out how i can convince myself that she's wrong. i can't do it. that scares me...

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I think that's a dumb comparison anyway. Comparing killing someone to someone that's gay. That's just stupid. I'm not really religious or anything though, I consider myself agnostic, but I just don't see how loving ANYONE, even in that way, can be considered sinful. That's just saying love is wrong. I had more to say, but then I will go on forever..yea...later.

I thought I'd offer a different perspective on the whole thing. Regardless of if our feelings are "wrong" or not, we're overlooking a huge piece of the bible. People like your aunt who believe in the bible and who believe that being gay is wrong and acting on our attractions is sinful should take a closer look at the things they do all of the time, which are considered in the bible to be just as sinful.

Yeah, in Leviticus it says homosexual urges are wrong. But in the same section it also says:
11:22-23 "Dont eat pig, lobster, clam or shrimp"
19:27 " Dont cut the hair at the sides of your head or shave your beard"
19:28 "Dont get tattoos"
Dueternomy 19:21 "Show no pity, life for life, eye for eye... tooth for tooth".
I could go on and on. Don't wear two diffent cloths woven together. Don't sleep with a woman while she is on her period. Things people do ALL OF THE TIME that no one is condemning them for it. Why don't you ask your aunt about those things that Christians seem to conveniantly overlook. The real fact is that people pick things that they are afraid of to criticize and condemn. Is it scary to eat lobster? NO! But it says in the bible not to do it and noone is going after the lobster eaters saying, "Burn in hell; repent sinners!" FEAR is what motivates people like your aunt to interpret the bible the way she and so many other devoute Christians do. Not TRUTH, because no one knows the truth. Christians believe that as long as someone asks for forgiveness and they are repentant, then God will forgive them and allow them into his arms and into heaven. So then God would forgive an evil rapist/molester/murderer who has "found God" right before his execution for his/her sins because they are repentant? I, for one, would NEVER want to walk into the arms of a GOD who would forgive a person for HATE and MURDER and TERROR and EVIL but who wouldn't allow someone into heaven who is not ashamed of being filled with LOVE and COMPASSION and BEING THEMSELVES. There is nothing wrong with the way we are. FEAR is what makes people like your aunt think that there is.

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