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what a fucking miserable day. i slept through my first class, which i have a midterm in on friday. i think i'm going to do awful, but i bet going to class would have helped me a little... then in my lab i sit there looking at some syllabi and stuff and i realize that i have a quiz tomorrow, homework for 2 classes due thurs, a midterm thurs, homework for 2 more classes due friday, and a midterm on friday. plus, tomorrow i have to make myself a schedule for next sememster, after summer break. i haven't even looked at that yet. and i don't really want to think about all the fucking boring classes i am going to have to take then. so i'm feeling a little overwhelmed to being with, and then i go to work.

on the bus, i sit in front of this very religious lady. i know she is very religious because she is having a religious discussion with the man sitting next to her. actually, she does most of the talking. i don't really know enough to know if she knew what she was saying or not. like she said that in the constitution, there is no separation of church and state. the guy says he thought that was the first amendment, and she goes into this whole speech about how that's how people interpret the first amendment, but if you look at the actual wording, it doesn't say that. i don't know the constution well enough to know if that's bullshit or not. she says how 30% of people don't believe in heaven and hell, and how of the 70% that do, most of them don't know what to do with that belief. most of them think they understand, but they're still not doing the things that they need to do to get to heaven. she says how everyone has a purpose in life and she thinks hers is to help people get to heaven. only she says it in better words, so it doesn't sound like she thinks she's an angel or something. and i get off the bus and i'm thinking about this lady. she's so sure of herself. that's what counts. it doesn't matter if she's absolutely wrong, becuase she thinks that she's right, and she's comfortable with her beliefs. i envy that. i want to believe in something, anything, that strongly. i want to be like that lady. and then i realize that i have this song stuck in my head... nine inch nails-heresy. don't know if you know the song, but here's the chorous... 'god is dead and no one cares. if there is a hell, i'll see you there.' the sick and twisted irony of this situation disturbs me. here i am trying to make myself believe in religion, and without even realizing it, i am singing a song about the exact opposite. is that some kind of sign? well that was depressing.

so then i get inside and christine's there, but she's not in a very good mood, and other than saying hi to me when i get there, she keeps to herself. so i'm on 7, marie is on 8. we both get a break in our lines and i get out cleaner and start scrubbing my conveyor belt. she comes over and plays with my pen and says that stuff stinks (meaning the cleaning stuff). i tell her sorry. she says 'no you're not.' i say nope, not really. and then she gets a customer. and then i do, and after a while they move her down but i'm still there.

so i'm still not too happy with all this school stuff to worry about, but i'm coping. then i get this guy come through my line with one thing of coffee. it's pretty busy and there's a rather large line behind him. i scan it and it's $12. it's a full-size coffee can. he tells me 'that's not right, they're on sale for 50 cents this week.' i just stare at him. 50 cents. i ask him if he's sure, and yeah, yeah, he is. so even though i know this is a completely unrealistic price, i tell him i'll go check anyway. there's no 50 cent sign anywhere by the coffee, and it's clearly marked $12.
so i come back up and say 'i'm sorry sir, i can't find the sign you saw. would you mind showing me?'
he snaps 'no, it was 50 cents.'
i ask if he wants me to take him back there and show him the sign that says i saw for $12, in case he misread it or something.
he's all angry and he yells 'no, it was marked 50 cents!!! why don't you believe me???'
so this goes on for a while, him refusing to go to the coffee aisle with me, but insisting that this large can of coffee was only 50 cents. finally, he says 'it's becuase i'm black, isn't it?'
i cannot even believe he just said that. i just say 'no sir, not at all. it's just becuase i didn't see a sign that said it was 50 cents.'
he's throwing a huge fit still, and i'm getting pretty fed up. i am not a racist. he yells a while more and i try to be polite, but i crack when he brings up the race thing again. he says 'if i were white, you would have given it to me for 50 cents hours ago.'
i clench my teeth and say 'no sir, if you were white, i would have probably called you a fucking moron hours ago and asked where in the world your common sense is, thinking any store would actually sell coffee that cheap. but since i had to worry about that whole race problem, i was trying to be polite.' of course, this isn't really true, and it was definitely not the best thing to say, but i was so angry i wasn't really thinking straight. well now i've given the guy something to actually complain about, so he forgets about the whole coffee thing, and takes off up to the service desk to complain about how rude i was to him. shit. now i'm going to get in trouble becuase of this stupid idiot who thinks coffee is on sale for 50 cents a can, but still only buys one can. damn, if i saw coffee on sale for 50 cents a can, i'd buy the place out. so i gotta get a key to get the stupid can of coffee off my thing and i'm all upset becuase i didn't mean to lose my cool and i can just see me getting in a little trouble for this... the next customers in line are all really nice to me, and they say don't worry about him, he was just trying to get some free coffee, just trying to get a rise out of you, you had way more patience than you should have, i would have told him off a long time ago... whatever. after a bit, jane calls me up to the service desk... i knew that one was coming... she asks what happens, so i tell her the whole story and apologize for blowing up at the guy. she says yeah, next time just try not to lose your cool, and send him up here if you think you're going to blow up. i ask 'that's it?' she laughs and says yeah, actually, 3 other customers who witnessed the scene came up and put in a good word for me, how the guy was just being a jerk, and how i showed way more patience than i should have, and all this stuff. so at least i'm not in trouble, but that whole thing did nothing to improve my mood.

then later jp asks if they forgot to give me my break and i say i don't know. deshawn tells me to cut with that all innocent stuff, he's onto me. i just say 'huh?' he says he knows im not as innocent as i act, i'm just trying to trick them or something. whatever. all i said was 'i dont know.' he says just know that he's onto me.

jeff is back there on break, and age comes up, and i mention that i'm going to be 20 soon. which i hadn't really thought about until that moment. that was even more depressing. somehow, when i'm 19 and say dumb things all the time, it's easier for people to say 'just a cute little kid who can't talk.' but 20... i don't know. not a teenager any more. they expect you to be able to talk properly, even in the presence of hot girls and other people who make you nervous. i don't want to turn 20. it's a depressing thought.

i mope when i move. i feel like shit. i yelled at a customer, i'm turning 20 soon, christine won't talk to me, i can't figure out religion, and i'm going to fail out of school, which makes me almost as unhappy as just being in school makes me to being with. christine comes out and takes junk from my drawer while i'm running. she smells fucking good.

i get cigarettes/balloons from christine a few times, but she doesn't even say anything. i'm avoiding all eye contact today, so i don't look at her. i look under her face, like right at her neck. she's wearing a work shirt, polo type with 2 buttons and a collar and stuff. the top button is unbuttoned, like on everyone. you can see the skin just under her neck, and when i look at it, i want to put my head there. it makes me think of that linkin park song, a place for my head. not the song, actually, just the title. i just want a hug, and to put my head right there, just under her chin, and breathe in the smell of christine and feel better. needless to say, that doesn't happen.

when i bring up my drawer at the end of the night, her and jane both say 'bye loser' and i leave.

so now i need to study for my quiz, becuase that's tomorrow. i don't even know where i'm going to find the time to do all the rest of that stuff. i'll not sleep. and then skip classes becuase i'm so tired. oh yeah did i mention that i got my ee midterm grade back? 74%. class average was like a 68%. i am barely above average. a curve isn't going to take me very far... i need to do better... i need to be serious about this... i need to go to classes... i need to study... i need to make it so my happiness depends on something other than christine becuase she's not a very consistant source of happiness... fuck. i need to sleep.


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