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stupidfool
yesterday i went out to lunch with nikki and abby and then nikki and i went shopping (well, she went shopping and i went along becuase i had to return a christmas present). i write this just to emphasize that occasionally, i do have a social life.

today i went back to work. rashid was the only one who mentioned that i was gone. the first thing he said to me, though, was 'how's your theory going?' and we both glanced at terrie and laughed. she's hot. why is it that if she weren't a lesbian, she wouldn't be half as hot?

somebody spilled some juice in the front end and justin did a bad job of mopping it up. later on, terrie was annoyed by the stickiness, and was re-mopping. this new guy asked her why she was mopping becuase he had asked justin to do it. terrie said he did, but not a very good job. then the guy starts walking away, i look at terrie, and she adds 'you want it done right, you've got to do it yourself. it's women's work anyway,' and then winks at me. i like it when hot lesbians wink at me, regardless of the reason. other than that i probably just sounded stupid to her becuase i can't ever talk right.

oh yeah, and my jim wasn't there, and i like jim... i was all ready to come back to columbus becuase i was sick of being trapped inside of loser. i was tired of worrying about what my aunt would think about me, and what my parents would think about me, and even what god thinks about me. i wanted to be with people and know that they think that who i am is just fine. i wanted to talk to christine (though i knew that was probably wishful thinking) and jim (which i thought was realistic) so i could remember what it felt like to just be me. only jim wasn't there. so i was loser, and to make matters worse, today, it seemed like nobody even liked loser.

i think taysha doesn't like me. i don't know if i think taysha's hot or if i just think that i should think she's hot. either way, i don't like to be disliked by anybody, so this makes me unhappy. plus i swear i heard justin say 'i hate her' after i said something to him. prudy got disgusted with me because i forgot to bring the key to her when i came. anthony told me i had bad vision (which is true, but i think his tone of voice was what bothered me the most).

there was this new guy, art, behind the service desk today. i thought i was going to get to be the next person they trained back there, but i go home for 2 lousy weeks and when i come back, they're training somebody off the streets and i've still got my same old job. all in all, it was not a very good day. i had only been awake for about 8 hours, but i just wanted to go home and go to bed. i wasn't tired. i was just sick of being awake.

but i went to leave, and art took my drawer from me and i thanked him. jane heard this from in the back room, and called out cheerfully, 'bye loser!' i said bye to her and it made me feel a little better. jane is a nice person. her best friend (terrie) is a lesbian and she's cool with that. plus, she's nice to me. christine says jane pretty much knows i'm a lesbian, and she seems to like me just fine, and that reminds me of christine, and christine makes me happy.

then i get back here and check my email, and rollwitme replied to a post i made in lesbian a few days ago, and it was the best pep talk i've recieved in a long time. it was really quite uplifting. i probably can't do a very good job of explaining why it made me feel better, so i'll just copy part of it into here:

There are going to be so many ppl who can't deal with your decisions and will say everything and anything to try and convince you you are wrong. They will throw scriptures at you to show you you are damned. But scripture as well as religion is up to interpretation. And you can NEVER let someone else interpret YOUR life.

Your angst and worry is understandable and you will find that in the end the only peace and teh only answer has to come from you, from within. Does God hate you because you are Gay? That goes against the nature of what God is doesn't it?

Interpret your own life. Live through your own spirit. Even your aunt owns a Disney movie...


doesn't that just make you feel better?

?

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