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it is never ok. we have a good conversation and settle everything and two days later, even if nothing has actually gone wrong yet, i'm already freaking out like something HAS gone wrong. i just read back through 3 weeks worth of entries, and something is always wrong. i can't go more than 3 days without getting upset about something. it's not always a freak-out... sometime i say nothing, and it resolves itself. sometimes, i disguise it as a normal conversation, but sneak in a blow here or there, to make her feel bad. and sometimes i freak out. but no matter how i react, outwardly, my problem is that inwardly, it is never ok. and what the fuck am i supposed to do about that?!?!?!?!?

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I know exactly how you feel. Exactly.
Unfortunately, I don't know how to fix it, either.

condition yourself not to do it. Analyse why you are slipping those comments in... how does it make you feel when you do it, what effect are you hoping you'll get, what are the consequences of it?
Maybre once you realise why you're doing it, it'll help you identify when you're going to do it and stop. or, as soon as you;ve done it, apologise to whomever you've made the comment to. A quick 'sorry, i didnt mean that' or 'that was uncalled for, sorry' will remind you not to do it in future.

Only you can stop yourself from doing it.

that's just my point, though--why stop myself from doing it? even if i struggle with myself, and convince myself not to react, not to sneak in the remarks, not to start a fight, i STILL feel like crap. even if i change my reactions, i can't change the horrible feeling, and i'm SICK of that feeling running my life...

We don't know each other but I've been reading some of your entries, and we seem to have a lot on common. So just letting you know, I'm adding you.

cool, i'm adding you too! ...but just to warn you, my friends-only entries can get pretty long... it's not too late to back out!

FTI movement: fucktheindustry

i like people who say fuck in their entries.

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