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alana
stupidfool
tonight, alana went insane on me. she's on medication for depression and she has been for as long as i've known her and she's normally ok. so... alana and i were cooking/eating in the kitchen and lauren and alana's boyfriend were watching tv in the next room. we were talking, and i mentioned that i was probably going skiing with jim and molly next saturday. she likes hearing about jim, and she always tells me i should go skiing, so i didn't think this was a bad thing to say, but she just went crazy.

it started slow. she just asked how come i do stuff with him, and not her, and how come she isn't invited. i tell her it's becuase he asked me and molly, so i can't exactly invite her when he created the trip. she says i do stuff with everybody, and not her. i say they invite me. it's the truth. i like alana. if she asked me to do stuff, i would. i just don't start things up, ever, and i'm not going to invite her along when somebody else invited me.

then she starts getting mad. she says if she were important to me, i would set stuff up. i tell her it's not her; i'm just not a leader like that, but if she wants to do something, we can set up a time and place, and i'd love to hang out with her. she says i'm only saying that now so she won't yell at me, and then she starts saying everybody hates her, and then she starts crying and then her boyfriend and lauren rush out from the other room. alana screams that lauren hates her and i hate her and molly hates her and nobody likes her and she's an awful person and maybe she should just die and she starts hitting herself in the head. hard. he dives at her and holds her arms down so she won't hurt herself and she starts sobbing and he tries to comfort her and lauren and i say we don't hate her and she gets even more upset, and screams 'you do! you do! i'm depressed and i have to take medicine every day just to feel normal and i haven't taken it in two days and you're supposed to be understanding and nice to people who are depressed but instead you're being mean and ganging up on me and you hate me and what do i have to do to make you like me? i hit myself and i try to kill myself and none of it makes a difference becuase you hate me anyway!'

i don't know how to react. i don't know a thing about depression. i mean, i feel depressed sometimes, but i've never gone crazy like that. when i'm depressed, i'm quiet... maybe clinical depression is really different, but i don't get it. i don't get any of it. i don't get how she can think i hate her, and i especially don't get how she can think lauren hates her, becuase lauren didn't do a thing. and i don't get why she wouldn't stay on that medicine, if it keeps her from throwing fits like this. i just don't get it. what does she want us to do? how do you prove that you like somebody? we say we like her, but she insists we don't. how can she know what we think better than we know what we think? how do you reason with someone who won't listen to reason? every time i try to explain, she just gets more mad. i want to ask why she's not taking her medicine, but i have a feeling that i'm just going to get yelled at.

lauren tries to talk to her logically and explain that we don't hate her, and i feel strange standing here watching her cry and scream and carry on. i'm nervous and fidgety, like i ought to be doing something, so i start washing the dishes, even though we have a functioning dishwasher. alana screams at everything lauren says, and she sobs, and she keeps trying to hit herself, and he finally drags her to the ground and pins her arms behind her back and she lays on his lap and screams how we hate her. i continue washing the dishes silently, listening to her scream about how she's depressed and we should be nice, but instead we're doing the opposite. i feel like she's fishing for sympathy, or something. maybe i just don't understand depression, but i didn't think that you shoved psychological conditions in people's faces like that. i more thought it was something you wrestled with on your own, and hoped for support, but didn't demand it of people. anyway, it gets to the point where she starts trying to attack lauren, who has not said one mean word to her all day. lauren wants to help and i want to help and her boyfriend wants to help, and for some reason, she'll let him be nice to her, but when we're nice to her, we still hate her. it bothers me that she's being so illogical, and i don't know what to do about it. finally, he drags her off to her room, leaving lauren and i in the kitchen.

lauren says 'i tried.' i nod and focus on the plate i'm washing. she goes off to do some homework and i keep washing the dishes. i am disturbed by this situation. i care about alana and i don't know what i'm supposed to do to make her realize that. everything in me feels all helpless and scared and jumpy and i just want to go run around outside and run into the walls and jump up and down and scream until my insides stop feeling so funny, but it's cold and dark and slippery and people would look at me funny, so i keep washing dishes. i guess lauren can't concentrate any better than me, especially with alana's loud sobbing echoing through the place. she comes back to the kitchen, where i am still washing, only becuase i don't know what else to do. she talks to me forever, saying nothing. lauren is like my mom when it comes to talking. she talks her way through alana and classes and work and driving in the snow and i nod and wash the dishes. when i finish, i ask her if she knows anything about depression. she doesn't.

she keeps talking and i put on maxwell and stand on my head until there's so much blood in it that it feels like it's going to explode, but my stomach feels a little calmer. then i sit on the floor and build a lego tower. there is no creativity involved. i just build up. it finally gets tall enough that it's unstable, and when it falls over, lauren stops talking and says she's going to bed.

when she was gone, i looked up depression on the internet. it said it's normal for them to 'lash out' at you. i couldn't find what to do after they lash out. another site said that they might leave you feeling frustrated and you should just make sure they understand that you're frustrated with their illness, not with them. what i still don't get is why she doesn't just take her medicine. i've known her over a year, she's always been on medication, and she's never been this psycho before. so why would she decide to stop taking it? i guess that's something i have to find out from her, not some website... maybe i could ask her, if she wasn't convinced that i hated her...

so today wore me out. i know it's not late yet, but i'm going to bed.

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Your life makes mine look like child's play :0) And trust me thats say ALOT. I give you a dozen props for your strength.

I come to you from 3 view points. 1)That of someone who should probably be taking meds for depression. 2)A college Psych major. and 3) A person who knows some really crazy mofos.

You want to know why she won't take her meds. Honestly even though it seems to make no sense since the meds will make her "normal" it is probably because it won't be "normal" for her. By that I don't mean that she likes flipping out and being depressed I mean that it is all she knows and for better or for worse she would probably rather be herself than be medicated 24/7. Who wants to live their life on drugs? Would that really make you feel like you were getting better or would it make you feel like the drugs kept you better but you were still screwed up?

As for why she lashed out etc... Well from your post it seems that she told you why.

"you do! you do! i'm depressed and i have to take medicine every day just to feel normal and i haven't taken it in two days and you're supposed to be understanding and nice to people who are depressed but instead you're being mean and ganging up on me and you hate me and what do i have to do to make you like me? i hit myself and i try to kill myself and none of it makes a difference becuase you hate me anyway!"

Seems like she needs to feel accepted and loved and liked and more than anything as if she is worthy of that love and that it's unconditioal. And from you're stand point you know that you have never done anything to give her any other indication but you are coming from a logical standpoint. She is coming from a standpoint of pain and confusion and loneliness and depression. A standpoint usually balanced by meds.

I say this if you are her friend, which you must be or you would have shrugged all this all, be patient and give her a little lead way. Not enough to hang herself but enough so that she knows you care. However don't take this on yourself and let it start stressing you out. She is sick and you can't fix that...

Well that's my two cents

Hey if you ever want to talk email me or something you seem like a very cool person...


~Jay~
"Randomness allows for imagination."~Me
"I have realized that there is a thin line between the phrase 'That's a blessing' and the phrase 'Shit happens.' "~Me



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