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stupidfool
the good news is that molly might get into the class, so i might stick with that class after all.

molly said she saw alana this morning, and alana acted perfectly normal. this might mean she's back on her meds, but it could also mean nothing, becuase 2 seconds before she blew up last night, she was acting perfectly normal.

i went to work. anthony was teasing me about jim again. he asks why i don't like jim, and i tell him that i like jim, but only as a friend. anthony asks 'is it becuase you don't like hairy guys?'
jim has no facial hair, so this conversation is already getting a little weird for me becuase i don't really spend much time thinking about jim's body. all i can do is exclaim, 'what?!?!?'
he says 'becuase i know jim. he likes you. he'll shave, if you think it's more attractive. if i tell him you don't like hairy guys, he'll shave his back and his chest and his-'
'don't tell him that,' i cut off, before he starts naming body parts that i don't want to think about.
he keeps saying how i should give jim a chance. he says skiing is a date. i tell him i'm just going because jim is my friend, and i've never been skiing before. he acts surprised at that and says he's been skiing once, and he thought it was a rule that all white people had to ski more than all black people. he says i ought to go twice, so we don't break this rule. he is weird. but he keeps talking about how i should date jim and all this stuff, and in the end, it's nickolas who saves me, by asking if i'd seen some lady. i hadn't, and anthony started telling him about how i should date jim. nickolas rolled his eyes and said, 'loser doesn't like jim like that. she just likes him as a friend. give her a break.'
i don't know how nickolas knows anything about the jim situation becuase i sure haven't discussed it with him, but i'm grateful anyway, because anthony actually wandered off after nickolas says that.

liz comes in. taysha and i joke around a little and i think maybe i like taysha. alyssa is there and i think maybe i'm actually getting over the fact that she's a giptonite. or maybe she's becoming less of a giptonite...? whichever, i don't think i dislike her quite as much as i used to. maybe it's just that all my attempts to stop disliking her are actually working?

amit is talking to me about my summer job, and i'm making him laugh. no matter what i do, i can't discuss that job without making people laugh. in the middle of this, jim (who has the day off) comes in. he comes over and talks to me and amit a little and then tells me we have to postpone skiing, becuase something came up. he suggests a different date to go. amit has to go do something else, so he leaves, and anthony comes over. he announces, 'loser says she's attracted to guys who aren't hairy, so i think you should shave.'
i feel my face turn red and i want to duck and hide. instead, i protest, 'i didn't say that.'
i'm pretty sure jim already knew that i didn't say that. if i were him, i would be mortified, but he stays completely cool and makes some smart remark back at anthony. him and anthony banter back and forth and i stand there feeling embarrassed. i can't believe anthony said that. at least i know anthony is crazy. that makes it more likely that it's his idea that this is a date, not jim's idea...

nickolas asks me where my 'buddy' is tonight, and he's talking about molly (she has tonight off). i worry that he thinks i'm dating her too. and i wonder if he really is gay, or if he's just a straight guy who happens to fit the gay stereotype.

i have to wait 45 minutes for the bus after my shift is over. ann is still in the store. i miss christine, and for some reason (wishful thinking, no doubt), i decide that it's likely that she's coming here tonight. i know that christine can't come inside if ann is here, so i go sit outside and watch for her car. she doesn't come, which is disappointing, but not really surprising.
while i'm out there, i think about her not being allowed to come back. i can almost see how the policelady could have decided that jim was sexually harrassing me, but i can't see how she could have thought that christine did anything wrong. i know that she was probably upset that christine wouldn't tell her what happened outside, but i don't know how she could have used that against christine. she had to have some logical complaint to turn in to ann, not just 'christine wouldn't tell me what happened.' that's not enough to get someone kicked out.
i am thinking this over when i'm struck by a new theory. maybe i am going about this completely wrong. maybe it doesn't have a whole lot to do with me at all. maybe it went like this:
christine stole the money. the police took her and ann told her she was fired. ann just assumed that christine wouldn't be back. that is not a bad assumption. i mean, when i heard what had happened, i was sure christine would never come back. if i stole a few hundred dollars from a place, got caught, and got fired, you can bet i wouldn't be back. i would feel really weird coming back. ann was upset that christine had stolen money from ann's store and didn't ever want christine to come back, but figured that just firing her would accomplish that, and there was no need to mention it. then, after a week, christine came back. but, she came back to apologize to ann, and that really didn't bother ann. she figured christine needed to pay the money back, get that off her chest, and now she wouldn't be back. then christine came back again, but again, it was for ann. she needed ann to fax whatever to whoever, and ann figured that this was really the last time christine would be in, and she didn't need to explain to christine that she didn't want her in the store. then, christine kept coming back. [my theory is missing a little here... it's possible that ann just didn't notice. some of the times, i'm sure she wasn't there. sure, i noticed, but i work right by the doors and i have trained my eyes to look for christine and my ears to listen for her. ann works all over the store, and isn't obsessed with seeing christine, so she could have just never noticed christine coming in. or maybe she noticed, and wanted to tell her not to come in, but thought it would be awkward, and wanted to wait until she could do it privately, but never got the chance. or maybe she noticed once or twice, but thought it was just a fluke becuase of course christine would realize that she shouldn't be coming here after she got fired, and she was just finishing up some stuff, and then would leave and not come back. whatever.] then christine comes, interacts with me in front of the policelady for a while, and then takes me away to help me out of my closet. somewhere, she is mentioned in the policelady's write-up. the main point of the policelady's write-up is that jim is harrassing me, but somewhere in her 'proof' of this, it makes sense that she would mention christine, even if it was something as simple as mentioning 'christine took loser away to calm her down.' there probably wasn't anything bad about christine in this write-up becuase christine didn't do anything wrong. this write-up gets sent to ann, and besides getting her mad at jim for 'harrassing' me, it brings up christine, making her realize that christine, who got fired nearly 2 months ago, is still coming here regularly. she initially had wanted christine out of the store, and the policelady didn't give her any more reason to get rid of her, just made her realize that the few times she noticed christine weren't just flukes... now that it's been brought to her attention, she decides to tell christine what she should have told her nearly 2 months ago-that she's not welcome here becuase she took their money. except that's not quite the reason she gave when she told christine, but maybe she just didn't want to be harsh... and that still doesn't explain why terrie feels that it's partially her fault that ann kicked christine out. maybe terrie also mentioned to ann that christine was still coming often? or maybe this just isn't as good a theory as i thought it was...
i'm ok as long as i'm not thinking about it, but once i start thinking, it drives me crazy, wanting to know stuff this bad and not being able to find out.

back on topic: after that, liz and i caught the bus together. if i hadn't known liz forever, i might think she was hot. i'm kind of glad i've known her forever becuase thinking that straight girls are hot isn't really very good for me.

when i got back home, alana was asleep. i talked to molly and aaron a little, and they hadn't seen her either. i hope she's doing ok... i hope she's not still thinking that i hate her... but i'm not about to wake her up and ask becuase if she didn't already hate me, she probably will after i wake her up at 4 in the morning.

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You let your mind wander like I do I bet you would be a hell of a story teller. What is a giptonite? I think you said taysha was one.

Giptonites!

(Anonymous)
No, the power of the Giptonite is strong in Alyssa!

Mwahahaha!

I am the Small Faced Boy!

haha yeah, he's right, it's alyssa. it's sort of a politically correct way of saying 'white trash' because i don't feel right using that phrase. i suppose using another word with the same meaning is just as rude, but i don't feel quite as bad that way. it came about right here, if you're interested...

(i'm really a pretty bad story teller. i could write them fine, but i seriously can't talk right for long enough to tell a story. after a while, i start mixing up words or getting ahead of myself. i do much better sending my thoughts to my fingers than i do sending them to my mouth... and yeah, my mind is always wandering off to loser-land. i worry that this might not be such a good thing...)

I understand about the akwardness with the white trash thing. I feel akward (or used to) saying a lot of stuff from cracker to queer to dyke to the lovely N word. *shrugs* However my friends are all very...hmmm...outspoken so verbal sensitivities kind of get lost and humor takes reign when you have a white girl calling a black girl a queer cracker or a dyke calling a straight guy a faggot.

It's like we all have sense enough to know not to use them outside our bubble world but our everyday use of them kind of softens the blows.

Though giptonite is cool (hope you don't mind if I steal it). As for your story telling I didn't mean verbally. I meant written. I can not tell a verbal story to save my life however I can write one down in a second (if you want I can send you a link). The fact that your mind wanders and you have the beautiful gift of imagination combined with the ability to allow your words to flow through your fingers says that you have a great and wonderful gift inside of you. (I bore easily and your's is the only journal other than my own that I make sure I read everyday. That says something right?)

PS
Did you see that I posted a reply to your outing story in your memories section?

~Jay~

sure, i'd like a link to a story you've written. i love reading stories that real people have written...

thanks.

ps no, but i'll go look right now.

And the beat goes on...

(Anonymous)
Another one inducted into the Society of Words!

I shall have to give you more words to absorb and use...

Regards,
The Small Faced Boy

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