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roselyn
stupidfool
here's the thing: i'm really obsessive. when i like somebody, no matter how i like them, i want to know everything there is to know about them. i want to know stupid facts about them, like what car they drive, and what size they wear. i want to know their feelings and opinions, like what they think about abortion, and what their favorite color is. and i want to know where they are and what they're doing, at all times.
obviously, i can never know all of that. but i can get pretty stalker-ish about trying to find out as much as i possibly can.

on a completely separate note, when i find a girl i think is hot, i don't necessarily obsess over her. i do, however, stare. a lot.
and by stare, i don't mean that i just stare at her for long periods of time, unblinking. what i do is more subtle, and somehow more fulfilling. it's like drinking her up, with my eyes. because it's so rude and tactless to stare, i sneak glances. each glance is like a little sip, or sometimes a big gulp, and with every glance, i feel her filling me up, and i feel charged. it drains almost as fast as it comes, but still, it's fun. work an 8-hour shift with a hot girl, and that's a lot of harmless gulping and draining and charging yourself up. it's kind of fun, and definitely sexual.

the point: the woman at work...
she's nearly twice my age. she's straight, married, with kids. she's not hot, like the kind of person i'd ever want to sleep with, but i do like her. i want her to be my mother, more than anything. to anybody else, it might seem weird, but to me, i'm used to chasing down un-attainable mother figures. i've been doing it for as long as i can remember. (i hold that there was nothing wrong with my own mother, but my therapist says that there must be, or i wouldn't be so desperately seeking somebody to mother me, at the age of 24. that's a whole separate argument, though.) the point is that i like this woman, and i'm pretty obsessive about it--walking by her office just to see where she is, and what she's doing. listening in on every conversation i can possibly hear her having, because i want to know all the details of her life. sure, i'm obsessed. and i wish she was my mother, right?

so yesterday, i was at work. it was about 3:30, and she normally doesn't leave until at least 4, so i wasn't worried about racing to the window to see if her car was still there, or anything like that. i was actually working, and i printed something, and walked to the printer to get it, and as i rounded the corner, she was walking out the main door to our room, with all of her stuff. she was leaving, at 3:30!
i got my stuff from the printer, turned around, and walked back to my office. immediately, i wanted to rush to the window to see her leave. i checked myself, though. i had a little conversation with myself in which i pointed out that there's really no point in going to the window. i know what car she drives. i know where she's parked. from the window, i cannot see which way she turns onto the street, so i will get no details as to where she's going. and because i saw her with her stuff, there's no doubt that she's leaving. i don't need to go to the window to confirm that.
i didn't want to argue any of those points. there was nothing factual i could gain by going to the window... but without a doubt, i wanted to do it anyway. and so i did, because self-restraint has never been my strong point. i faked watching the clouds and the weather for a while, while i waited for her to make her way downstairs and out the door. and then i saw her. my eyes took a surprisingly desperate gulp of her and i felt full--charged. there was a strange sense of happiness and relief, just at having seen her. i turned away from the window to go back to my desk, and i suddenly felt the overwhelming desire to turn around and look again, have just one more drink of her...

i probably would have, too, had i not felt so overwhelmed by these feelings. what am i doing? i'm supposed to drink the hot girls and obsess over the mothers. when i start to crave glimpses of a girl, it means i want her. do i want her? i don't think i want her. and good lord, i don't want to want her. if there was ever an unattainable woman, this is her...
what's going on?!?!

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I'm going to answer this but just wanted to let you know that I found you through borderline and added you. I'm 26, bi, and have BPD as well. I think we'll get a long great. Same issues and feelings.

I would say Jill represents a void you have. It could be your Mom, I don't know. You definitely display signs of OCD but it's a lot different from the one I have.

I don't think it's Jill you crave. If she were to pick up and move, I think you'd grieve but eventually find someone else to obsess over.

Try and really figure out what's going on, what is this void.

i definitely think you're right--if jill were to leave, i would find another obsession. that's pretty much what i've been doing my entire life. but no matter how hard i try, i can't stop this pattern, and i don't know why i feel like i so desperately need somebody...

chasing unattainable mother figures! my god, i do that too, although with father figures, actually (i like girls, but young ones).
well, don't get too caught up. but obsessing over someone you don't really know isn't so bad... you can't really get deeply hurt. try to enjoy it :)

oh, i definitely am enjoying it... it's just that with me, nothing ever stops at a harmless obsession. i'm afraid that she'll matter to me more and more, until my entire life revolves around her, and a smile from her will make my day, and a day without talking to her makes me want to die... that's how i am.

I can understand the quick looks and taking the person in (i've done that my whole life, but i feel like i'm outside so i have to, which is another story) but with the obsession, it's just someone who captured your interest for now until you find something else that replaces her. The sense of relief is all part of the OCD thing, after you've done what you feel you must.. As for the mother figure, it could just be an admiration for someone mature, strong, smart, comforting, beautiful(dosen't necesarily have to be physical mind you) and a need to have that around.. And yes, perhaps there was nothing wrong with your mother but do you think you wanted more?

why do you take quick looks to take a person in? because sometimes, it doesn't make a lot of sense to me, how badly i want to just grab a glimpse of these women...

i definitely think i rejected my mother from a very early age as being not good enough. there is nothing wrong with her, but i wanted something else. as early as 3rd grade, i remember acting like my mother didn't care about me, and trying to get the pretty 3rd grade teacher to take me under her wing... it just seems pretty ridiculous, that there were children who were beaten or neglected, but made it through to adulthood relatively unscarred, and i'm the one forever chasing unattainable mother figures for the rest of my life when there was absolutely nothing wrong with my own mother, you know?

If I find something beautiful, i want to stare at even if it's for a few seconds.. I see, so it's something you've done since you were young and it stayed with you..

Please, help me, brothers!!!

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