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    Thurs, Oct 26 - I was feeling sick and wasn't tired, but instead was mopey all day. 9th, Lynn was reminding me to at least fake like I was playing and hold my horn up.
    But, during break, I started to wake up. I had had a strange dream-sort-of-things last night. You know, one of those where you think of something and you're half awake and half asleep, and it doesn't totally make sense? I had put both my adidas shoes on my hands, and was crawling down the hall with no shoes on, scraping the bottoms of the shoes on the ground. So, for some odd reason, during break, I took off my right shoe, put it on my hand, and plopped down indian style by the band room and began scuffing my shoe on the hall floor. Then Jeremy came by, and started threatening to step on my bare foot. So I jumped up and tore into the band room, with one shoe still on my hand, screaming, "Leave my foot alone!"
    I ran over to the corner of the room, away from Jeremy. Then I turned around and saw the whole Lynn group, sitting in the trumpet section, watching me. I guess I must have looked pretty strange. After all, it's not every day you see someone with one shoe on their hand and the other on their foot.
    "Debbie, didn't your mom ever teach you to dress yourself?" Lynn asked.
    Flustered, I responded, "Noooooah!"
    They all cracked up. Then, realizing my mistake, I correct4ed myself. "I mean, yeah."
    They laughed at that too. Then I left.
    After break, we were on the field some more. I came late, just because I didn't feel like being on time. When I got by the band room, they were just starting their senior nite routine on the field. I jogged out and by the time I got there, they were just finishing the song in their 96. John and Paul weren't there yet, so I joined Lynn in the 96. Right as I got there, she said to Beth, "Don't you love my squad?" She didn't notice I was there. Then she turned around + saw me and said, "Wow! I have one now!" Then she told Beth she didn't know where they were because she wasn't their babysitter.
    Then, we were marching our "issue 57" off the field (Lynn was on the sideline since she was a senior) and she came up to me and told me to put my horn up. "I don't care if I don't hear a note out of your horn all night. Just hold it up so it looks like you're playing!"
    Then the pep band went to kidsplay to perform. I had fun. Lynn didn't come because she had to work.

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wow, it's not until i read these past entries that i really realise how much you totally want(ed) to be taken care of by others. Why do you think you do it? Is it something you like doing or a habit you'd rather break? Do you think you can have a healthy relationship with anyone if you always want them to baby you?

yeah, it's crazy, isn't it?!? i do stupid, crazy, and weird things, just to get people to pay attention to me, and in an attempt to inspire them to take care of me...

Why do you think you do it?
i have no idea. i wonder about this all of the time, though... my therapist says that there must have been something missing in my relationship with my own parents, if i was constantly in search of replacement parents, but i'm almost positive that's not how it went. i remember attempting to replace my parents when i was young--like, 6 or younger. and i'm almost positive that at that point, my parents had done nothing wrong.
at this point in my life (i was 14 when i wrote these entries), i was pushing my parents away and searching for replacements because i felt they didn't understand me--nobody understood me--and i was looking for somebody to see this poor little misunderstood child, and then take the time to care for me, and to figure me out. i guess by then, a lot of it had to do with my sexuality. but i honestly don't think i felt any of this when i was 6, when i first began pushing my parents away. it's almost like i searched for replacements first, and then after a while, i decided that i ought to have a reason for doing so, and i just rationalized one up as soon as i could.

Is it something you like doing or a habit you'd rather break?
that's a funny question because there really is no answer... it's not something i like doing--acting out, being manipulative, going crazy trying to get people to mother me, and then going crazy again when things don't go as i've planned--but i'm also not ready to let go of the dream of finding somebody to take care of me...

Do you think you can have a healthy relationship with anyone if you always want them to baby you?
no. definitely not. good lord, if my track record has proved anything, that's it! it's impossible to have a healthy relationship with somebody if i expect them to baby me. they get sick of it, or they don't do it well enough for me, and inevitably, it drives us apart.
i guess this is why i would hope to find somebody to date who i'm not obsessed with in this weird, take-care-of-me, sort of way. pretty much every obsession has gone along these lines, though, so it's hard to tell what i'm looking for... what kind of person could i love enough to be with, but not need for them to baby me? would it have to start out as somebody i don't care about at all?
the only person who gives me any hope, as far as this goes, is becca hollis. this is why she's so special, and it's why, after 5 years, i still think about her all the time. i LOVED that girl. i was as obsessed with her as i've been with anybody, in that i always wanted to see her and talk to her and know what she was doing. it was painful, at times, and my obsession was probably extreme, at times (in other words, this probably wasn't a healthy relationship), but i NEVER wanted her to baby me, or to take care of me. we were equals and that's how i wanted it to be, always.

hmm, i dont think i tried to replace my parents when i was younger... maybe that is what it was... that they were lacking somehow to you, as an individual. not to anyone else, but just you.

I always want people to understand me, because i think that i am misunderstood... that no-one gets me. But i dont think i am looking for a new parent figure. but if guys are supposed to marry girls that are like their mother, then maybe it is true for lesbian as well?

you're right that no-one wats to baby someone all the time, because i know i get sick of it when i have to do it to others... but if you cant date someone you dont obsess over, how does that work then?

becca hollis is a good ideal in the way that you described. now only if you could get a gay version and work your way to being friends with them and possibly dating them!

that is the same thing my therapist keeps saying. that maybe there was nothing wrong with my parents to an outside observer, maybe there was nothing wrong with them as far as the way they parented, but maybe i, as a unique individual, needed something that they weren't giving me. maybe for me, something was missing in that relationship. it could be because i'm the oldest, so i got weaned off of whatever this mysterious thing is first, before i was ready, or it could just be that i had different needs than my siblings.
i cannot imagine, though, what it could be that they were lacking.

are you doing the opposite--looking for somebody to take care of? looking to be a mother to somebody?
do a lot of people do that?
t4 does, is why i ask. my goal is to have a mother and her goal is to have a kid. in our relationship, it's irrelevant--we're equals and it's fine--but we just kind of assumed that everybody was one or the other, to some extent...

i can't date someone i don't obsess over? i could date somebody i don't obsess over, couldn't i? could i date somebody i wasn't obsessed with, but then fall in love with them, without the obsession?
in general, it doesn't seem that i can... so far, if i'm not obsessed with a person, i definitely don't care enough to love them...
so maybe i need to hold out for finding a unique obsession--one like becca hollis--where i'm obsessed, but don't need babying? and then i could work on controlling the jealousy and whatever else makes it unhealthy, because at least i'd be starting off way better than i would if i had all of that PLUS the need to be babied...

being the oldest is harder i think... it's trial and error for parents. Good news for the younger kids though, parents can learn from their mistakes... but like you said, it might justbe because you have different needs.

well, to be honest ive never really thought about it. But now that I do, i do tend to be the one taking care of people a lot. But i don't think i want a kid. Though i like taking care of others, i kinda want to be taken care of as well at some points. I think you and t4 are right though... everyone does lean in either one direction or the other, but there's a lot of sway i think.

Yeah, i think you could date someone you werent obsessed with. Well, you wont know until you try i guess. Have you ever dated an obsession? It doesnt seem like it'd go well... jealousy and whatnot. Love isn't obsession though...and vice versa. What do you define as love and what do you define as obsessions - are they separate things to you?

no, i've never dated anybody! ever! i'm 25 years old and i don't know what it feels like to be not single!
well, unless you could abi. not an obsession. i didn't even care about him enough to really feel like i was in a relationship with him, though... is that what i should be aiming for? i hope not! if that's all one gets out of a healthy relationship, i think i'd rather just stay single...

i guess i think that love and obsession should be separate... but honestly, i can't imagine it. i've never felt love without obsession. in theory, it can be done, but in practice, for me...? i worry that it can't happen. i worry that the only way i'm ever going to feel love is if it's paired with a mild obsession, and i'll just have to learn to control that obsession, you know? i mean, have you ever really loved somebody, enough that you think you could have a real relationship with them, and not felt jealous? i haven't...

well, im basically the same. I dated that guy craig... what a mistake that was!
i guess if you really really want a relationship you totally have to put yourself out there... or ask courtney to set you up with one of her lesbian friends?

i havent loved anyone, so i cant answer that. i find it hard to open up to people, its like im always holding back.... so i dont think i can have an normal relationship if im always holding back because i think that if i do open up, then we break up, theyll use their information against me. Like, if i even have a chance at a relationship, i run the whole situation through in my head. what itd be like to be in a relationship with that person, then eventually i pick on a point that i think would be the thing that would break us up and i keep imagining it in different scenarios... then i convince myself that it wouldnt work, so why try. Which is a really bad thing to do... i live the relationship in my head then i ruin it for myself... and thats such a stupid thing to do because i know im ruining things for myself!

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