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stupidfool
today molly and i worked on schoolwork forever. then we went grocery shopping, where marie was doing that crazy flirt-type thing with me again. she went to hand me my change, but then held onto it, so i had to grab her hands and fight with her for it. i don't like her. she is a minger (thanks, sfb...). so why do i like to touch her hands?

i was waiting on jane, and terrie came over and said something to me and i don't know what, but i was glad she talked to me... (and glad i got an up-close view of her...)

i was wearing the shoes that molly calls my 'ghetto shoes.' i call them comfortable. but maybe molly has something there, because anthony came up to me and commented, 'nice shoes. do you have stillmatic?' i tell him i do. he asks 'what about the blueprint?' i say yeah. he asks 'instructions?' i say yeah, and i think he thinks i'm lying because he quizzes, 'what's your favorite song on it?' i say welcome to atlanta, but i liked it better before they played it on the radio so much, but really i like them all because i like jd. he asks 'how bout genesis?' i tell him i don't have that one. he asks 'the great depression?' i say dmx is ok, but he's not really one of my favorites, at all, and i don't really want that cd. he asks who my favorites are. i list some, and when i say 'tech n9ne,' he asks 'who?' i repeat, and he acts confused, and i tell him a little about tech n9ne, and once he decides i'm not making this guy up, he is bothered by the fact that i listen to somebody he hasn't heard of. he starts naming all these groups and rappers that he listens to, and asks if i've heard of them, and if i have, he quizzes me on them, asking me to do everything from name a song to name their birthplaces. if i haven't, he gets all triumphant, because he knows something i don't know... people like that drive me crazy. if i were him, i would have gone home and downloaded some tech n9ne mp3s, to see if he was any good, or just not worried about it. but instead he feels like i'm challenging his expertise, and he's got to show off. i don't claim to be an expert at anything music-related... i listen to too much different stuff to be an expert in any one genre. and plus, i'll go on kicks where i'll listen to one artist, non-stop, for months... that doesn't do much to broaden my musical horizons... i don't care. i like music because i like how it sounds, not because i like to show it off... i need to talk to jane, and he won't stop naming groups i haven't heard of. he finally does, but before i leave, he comes up to me because he's come up with another name he's sure i don't know. i don't know why i'm writing this; i guess he just annoyed me a lot. molly thought it was funny because she could tell i was sick of him, and he was oblivious.

around 5:30 this morning, i was trying to put jake's advice to use in gta3, but you can only listen to game radio for so long, so i put on a cd that i had made a while ago. it mostly had rappish and r&bish type stuff, but the last 3 songs were: stabbing westward-save yourself, nin-hurt, and tool-schism. i had made the cd a while ago (late september or early october-before christine took me out of the closet), and i thought those 3 songs were necessary because they were a good reminder of the past, since when christine got fired, they were all i would listen to. (god, those few weeks were a mess... i just went back and read like september 19th or so, and i was a fucking mess... that was the kind of writing you would never give to an english teacher...) the stabbing westward song, in particular, became christine's anthem, in my mind. i was constantly picturing christine, and in the background, hearing her sing along with stabbing westard... i am not your savior... i am just as fucked as you... from the day she got fired, all the way up until i asked her why terrie asked me about jim, and instead of indicating that she knew the answer, she said 'oh, she just likes to tease you... i'll get it out of her... don't worry about it, loser...' that made it worse. she honestly didn't know, she really wasn't going to fix anything, and stabbing westward wrote that fucking song for her to sing to me. i cannot save you. i can't even save myself. the song reminded me of her and she reminded me of the song and the two of them were just connected.
but back to the present: the songs were at the end of this cd, and i hadn't listened to it for a long time. today, i wanted to hear que bo gold, so i put it on, and when it got to the stabbing westward song, i had nearly completed my gta3 mission, and molly was cooking in the kitchen, sort of watching me try to beat my mission. the song messed me up like i can't describe. i promptly drove the car into a wall, paused the game, and dove for the stereo to bypass this song. molly asked what was wrong, and i couldn't tell her. even if i wanted her to know, i didn't know. the song was just wrong. i listened to that song way before i decided that it was about christine, but i can't hear it as just another song anymore. now it's a song about christine, only it's lying. christine can save me. she did. she knew. i thought she didn't, but she did, and i couldn't stand the song to tell me otherwise. i needed it to stop. christine was my savior. she fixed it, first, before anybody else did. i love christine and i can't stand to hear stabbing westward pretend to be her and tell me that she can't help me because i know she can. she did and maybe she can again. molly was amazed by my extreme reaction, and went back to the stereo to put it back, so she could see it again. i went crazy. i really did. i dove at her like some sort of animal, but she's bigger than me and i'm weak and she leaves it on the song. i can almost handle just the music at the beginning, but the second they start singing, i can't take it. i run from the room and she turns it up loud so i can't hide from it anywhere, blocks the door, and says 'i'll turn it off if you tell me why you can't listen to it.' i say i'll tell her. she skips to the next song, turns the volume down, and i shut my eyes and try to calm down because that song got to me worse than anything should be able to get to you. she waits. i finally say something like 'you know how sometimes you take something that might be meant to mean nothing, and you make it so it means something, but your something is definitely not what it was supposed to mean to begin with, and then you figure out that your something was completely wrong anyway, only you can't not think that that's what it means anymore?' she looks at me, and maybe because she can see that i'm serious about not being able to handle the song, instead of pushing it or switching the stereo back, she just sighs, 'loser, has anybody ever told you that you make no sense?'
i half-grin (molly tells me this at least a few times a week) and say, 'i think that sounds vaguely familiar...'
and now she's in bed, and i wonder how it's possible for a simple song to affect me that much...

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"i don't like her. she is a minger (thanks, sfb...)"

(Anonymous)
No problems. The insult-on-demand service is available whenever I get around to reading your journal :P

BTW, I'm working on something to celebrate your using the word 'giptonite'. Should have it sorted in a few days. Can these replies/posts handle HTML? (I'm assuming they can...)

Anyway, I'll ttyl,

The Small Faced Boy

Re: "i don't like her. she is a minger (thanks, sfb...)"

now that sounds interesting... i think they can handle html, but i've never tried anything besides the simple stuff, like bold and italics, so i guess i don't really know.

I had a long reply that I typed but aol booted me before I could save it so...

Anyway I think I am addicted to DMX, Ja RULE and TUPAC. Something about thuggish ruggish poetic black men with conflicted souls and deep eyes turns me to mush. (Please don't turn me in to the board of Lesbians :0P)

I understand the song reminder thing. "It's Been Awhile" and "Fade" by Staind reminds me of Nan for various reason I will not go into again since AOL erased it from before. I will say when I hear them the channel on the radio changes. I love the songs but somehow when I hear the words now they take on a different meaning and the images in my head are at once nice but haunting and painful.

Sorry...Just wanted to say I identified. I just happen to be having a very bad "missing the best friend" day today...

~Jay~

"I'm not a fucking Drag Queen..." ~Judy "Better Than Chocolate"

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