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i discovered that this class is way more work than i had thought. we are behind schedule.

besides that, and working on the class, i walked around campus for a while. i haven't seen a list of the requirements for graduation since i scheduled for classes first quarter of my freshman year. since then, i've been winging it... taking classes that i remember i have to take, or classes that alana tells me i have to take, or whatever. i don't know what i'm going to do next quarter, but i thought it might be nice to know just how much school i have left, so i went in search of some papers to tell me that. while i was wandering somewhat aimlessly, i was thinking... it was funny how everything reminds me of christine. not just today, but always. it's the simplest, stupidest things... like, i see shoes like hers, and i remember the time she kicked a plastic bag and i laughed. remembering just makes me miss her worse, but i do it anyway. i wonder if i think about her too much. i remember an er episode, the one where luka finds out that kim and kerry aren't a couple any more. luka asks kerry if she loved kim, and kerry doesn't answer. then luka asks, 'then you should go forward, not back, hmmm?' now, in my head, i hear this, in his heavy croatian accent, and i think maybe he's right... i should go forward. right now, i'm going nowhere. all major decisions are postponed until christine okays them, and that's not right. i can like christine, and i can look forward to seeing her, but it shouldn't stop me from living my life. my life is never drama-free anyway, so even if i can't have the discussions i've been planning with her, i'm sure i'll still have something going on that she could help me with, if that's all i want. i should stop waiting on her. i don't have to forget about her, but waiting on her isn't fixing anything. if she's going to come, she'll catch up to me, even if i have moved forward. i don't have to give up on her, but i have to stop waiting on something that might never come. i can, and should, move forward.
the only problem is that after i decide this, i realize that i've spent so much time with my only direction in life being christine that i don't remember which way forward is. what now? the voices in my head discuss this...
go forward. maybe forward means you should come out to molly.
yeah, that's true. that would be a good reason to call christine! i mean, sitting here and thinking about coming out is not much, but if i actually came out, she would understand that i needed to talk about it to someone who understood. that's probably a good idea. i'll come out so i have a good reason to call christine.
right, but this isn't about christine. it's about you. how would this affect you?
hmmmm... well if molly reacted well, that would be good.
right. that would be a huge relief. that would be great.
great enough that i would want to call christine! i know she would be thrilled, just because i was! just like she was so happy for me when i told her that jim reacted well!
stop thinking about christine. it would be good for you because it would make molly a better friend. it would be good for you because you would still have a place to live. it would be a step in the right direction.
right, but if she reacted poorly, it wouldn't be the right direction.
true. so worst case scenario, she hates you. you have no place to live. you would be devestated and you would-
i would call christine. because she would know how to cheer me up, or have some good advice. and that's a damn good reason to call her, if i've ever heard one! i'd be miserable, and have no place to turn but to christine... yeah, i'll tell molly and she'll react poorly so i can call christine!
ok, look. first, don't ever hope for somebody to react poorly. that's fucking stupid. and second, THIS ISN'T ABOUT CHRISTINE!
oh yeah... sorry...
but the potential for a poor reaction is a problem. it might actually be best if you just waited until molly had completely committed to living with you. then, even if she hated you, at least you would have a place to live... it'll only be a few months until you have to decide on living arrangements. that's not too long to wait.
no, it's really not. and it would give christine time to show up, so i could discuss it with her, like i'm planning on now.
loser, we're NOT talking about christine.
oh yeah.
great, that got us nowhere. i don't know where forward is in relation to your closet, and you are pitiful. how about something else, like classes? do you suppose going forward involves taking classes next quarter?
well christine said i should take at least 3.
i don't care about christine. this is about you. what do you think?
i don't want to take classes.
is it because you're being a lazy ass, or do you have a good reason?
i dunno.
because let's face it, not taking classes for a quarter isn't the end of the world. if you really need a break, that would be ok.
yeah. and anyway, i can always plan on taking none, and then if i see christine, she'll have something to discuss with me, because i know she thinks i should be taking classes. or maybe i could tell terrie i'm taking none, and it could get back to christine, and that would make christine-
STOP IT! i don't want to hear you say her name again. we are trying to figure out what you should do for you, not what you should do for christine. you can either take no classes, take one class, or go back to full time. what do you think?
ummmm... well i don't really want to take any... but christine was probably right when she said i needed school to keep me going somewhere... so maybe i should take at least one, so i have something consistant.
ok, that sounds somewhat logical. but are you just saying it because it's what christine said, or because it's what you think?
mostly because it's what christine said.
gee, what a surprise... look loser, right now, i don't care about christine. i want to know what you think. where do you want to go? what do you want to do?
i want to talk to christine.
loser, you are fucking hopeless.

and i am. hopeless, that is. i don't know what i want, unless it involves christine. i can't remember what it was like to live before my world started revolving around her. what did i hope for? didn't i have some goals that didn't involve getting to see her, or getting to talk to her? i don't remember. i don't know. how do i find forward?


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