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stupidfool
i got not near enough sleep. then i worked. jim was there, and i found out that he might not be leaving. i am glad... but at the same time, i'm disappointed. i like jim. however, if he left, then i would have more of a right to miss christine... i would feel better about saying outloud 'i miss jim and christine.' if he's still here, i can't do that. if he's still here and he's still my friend, i should think that's good, but because i'm looking at it from my christine angle, i think it's bad and that's dumb.

work was boring. there were about no customers. i attempted to amuse myself by hanging off of this desk, which probably looked funny, but i didn't figure anybody was looking. terrie was. she gave me a strange look.

i still think terrie likes liz, but i notice today that liz appears to like terrie too, just as a friend. if liz just likes terrie as a friend, maybe terrie just likes liz as a friend, and i'm crazy. i decide that's probably it. they're friends. i'm jealous and making stuff up.

terrie comes over to me and says, 'i thought that guy was rashid,' and i don't really listen to all the words, just the 'rashid' part. i turn to look for rashid. i want to talk to him about terrie... then i realize what she said (that he's not actually here), and i turn back to her. she's watching me with a funny look on her face, and i wonder what she's thinking. does she think i like rashid? the obvious answer is that she was thinking that, and said his name just to test my reaction. (my reaction would have proved her right) except for christine said terrie knew i was a lesbian, and i thought she was right. i think i am back to the question of 'what does terrie think?' it's a little strange, because that's actually the question that started this whole mess. that's the question i asked jim when i was sure terrie thought i was a lesbian, about 9 months ago, and it's almost the question i asked christine 5 months ago, when i thought she knew. 9 months later, i've come out of the closet to christine and jim, and i still haven't answered that initial question... what does terrie think?

i pried the number keys off my keyboard. i turned each key upside down and put them back on, in the right spots. then i discovered that the other keys have a clear keycover thing that snaps on and off. i snapped off about 30 or so clear keycovers. they looked a lot like mini blocks of ice. when i see blocks of ice, i think of igloos... so i attempted to build an igloo. for about 30 minutes, i built pyramids and other stuff out of these keycovers. i knew that terrie was coming over to run my break at 6, so at about 5 til 6, i started snapping the covers back on. she gave me my break 4 minutes early, and half of them were still off. she asked what i was doing, and i said 'putting them back.' she asked why they were off and i said 'i dunno,' and felt very 7. i went back and got a snack and came back up front to buy it. she screams across the front end 'loser! get over here and fix these keys!' i had no idea what she was talking about because i was sure that i had put all the covers back on. i asked 'what keys?' she snapped 'you know what keys,' which was when i remembered the upside-down numbers... i went over there and stuck a pen cap in to snap them off and i nearly hit her with a few flying keys. she put one back on for me and my hand touched hers and it felt good. she is hot. and she was mad, which might have made her hotter, but it was a little scary.

i took a 5 minute break because the keys took a while to get off and back on, especially because every other second, she had to use them to help a customer. when i got back, she was still upset over the keys, i guess, because she asked, 'how old are you?' i told her i was 20. she rolled her eyes and didn't tell me that i needed to act my age, but i know she was thinking it. i tried to explain-'i was bored,' but she just says 'i'm here 8 hours a day, and you don't see me playing like that, do you?' i told her i didn't.

i watched terrie bag for liz. i ran out of register tape, and checked the other registers for some. when i was at the one to the left of liz, i listened to terrie talking to liz. she was asking liz about her roommates, and if they got along. liz liked her roommates. terrie volunteered, 'i have a roommate and we can't stand each other.' i checked liz's register. terrie added, 'well, i guess it's not that bad.' i checked the one to the right of liz. terrie's still talking about christine. 'it's just, well, you know.' i don't know if liz knows, but i sure don't, and i want to. i want to hear about christine. i want to hear about how terrie gets along with christine. and i want to hear liz talk to terrie, to see what she does so well that i don't. unfortunately, i have to continue my search for register tape, so i don't get to hear anything.

we have pens on those twisted cords, like a phone cord. i stretched mine as far out as i could walk, but it looked like it would have stretched farther if i hadn't hit a wall. i wanted to know how much farther it would have stretched, so i wound the cord around myself once and it still looked like it would go a little more. so i wound myself in the cord a second time, and as i was trying for a third, liz came by, on her way to talk to terrie, and asked, 'loser, are you retarded?' the answer was no, but i sure felt retarded, especially when i looked up and saw that terrie was watching too. i bet she was watching only because she heard liz say my name. but terrie is just liz's friend, right?

terrie refills the register tape. when she comes over to me, she puts her hand on my shoulder and pushes me gently out of the way so she can put it where it goes. (in case you missed it, the point was that terrie touched me.) when she's done filling everyone else's, she comes and stands by me, and i probably seem a little confused, so she explains (in a not so friendly tone) that she can't go back there yet because she hates that customer. and then she starts talking about how she hates somebody else. and she hates people. and people are dumb. i wonder if she tells other people that she hates me. i wonder if she does hate me. she sure seems to have more than enough hatred in her to go around...

terrie gets a pick-up on me, and gets distracted halfway through, so she leaves the money with me. i'm bored, so i start lining it up, so all the bills are facing the same way. when she gets back, she yells at me, and even when i explain i'm just lining it up, she's still not happy.

there's a nice policeman here tonight, the big black one. )they don't wear nametags, so i don't know any of their names.) he talks to me more than most of them, and he was talking to me when terrie came by, and he wound up including her in our conversation, and it was the first time all night that i talked to terrie and she wasn't mad at me.

when terrie left, i heard her bag rustling, so i turned to look. she said (probably only because i was staring at her), 'bye loser,' and i said bye and she left, and all in all, it was an awful terrie day.

liz ran my second break. murphy and jim came up to take a break with me, and we were talking about a bunch of stuff... i wound up telling them about how i took the keys off and terrie yelled at me. jim said terrie was yelling at everybody today because she wasn't in a very good mood. she was mean to the world.
'not to liz,' i pointed out.
jim quickly agrees, 'no, not to liz,' and before he can say anything else, liz calls me back up front because my break is over. liz is ok though. she tells me when i get back up there that she only did it because dana told her to, and she couldn't care less how much time i spend on break.

a little later, jim comes up front to talk to me again, and he brings up terrie yelling at me, and laughs about the time that she yelled at me and little ben for juggling. i laugh and say 'yeah, but i probably deserved that.'
he says, 'true, but she wouldn't have yelled at liz.'
i think it's funny that he's saying this, because he's saying it like he already knew that, and i thought it was only my superior detective skills that had enabled me to realize it...
i tell him i know, and i describe how she bags for liz only, and maybe shuffles down one register real fast, but then goes right back to liz.
jim says, 'yeah, because she likes liz.'
i say 'yeah, i know, she-' and then i wonder if maybe he means more than just regular like... i ask, 'wait, you don't mean like, do you?'
he says he does, and i ask how he knows, and he says she told him.
we talk a little more about how it's obvious (which makes me feel not quite so smart), and then he leaves and i'm upset. why does terrie like liz? i'm jealous. before, i could just say that terrie doesn't like me because i'm 10 years younger than her. liz is 11 years younger than her, and that's not a problem... am i so different from liz? we're both about the same height, same hair color, and we're both pretty thin. how come she likes liz and not me? liz is fucking straight. why does she like a young straight girl when there's a young lesbian over here that would love to be liked by her?
and i've known liz since elementary school and i know she doesn't like terrie like that. but she does appear to like terrie, as a friend. i wonder if she knows terrie is a lesbian. i wonder if it would make a difference to her. i wonder what she would think if she knew that terrie liked her like that. i wonder if she needs to know that... i wonder why i have this funny feeling, like it's my duty to let liz know what's going on. it's not, is it?
but i do want to tell rashid. because what fun is figuring this out if i can't share it with him? it's probably not a good idea to tell liz, because that would probably be mean to terrie. (which, come to think of it, might be why i want to do it... i'm a little upset with terrie, for being mean to me and nice to liz. and i'm a lot upset with her for liking liz and not me. if i tell liz, it bothers her, and she treats terrie differently, that would be like my little revenge... ha, terrie, now you see what it's like to like somebody and have them be mean to you in return! but that's not right, because terrie's not trying to be mean to me by liking liz. you can't help who you like.) right, so i don't tell liz, but there's nothing wrong with telling rashid, is there?

justin comes over with some carts and parks them by me while he talks to me. i sit on the front cart, with my legs hanging over the handlebar. i ask, 'do you think i could fit in the seat, with my legs in the holes?' he tells me not to try, which only makes me want to try. i put a leg in. as i'm putting my second leg in, i notice that art is watching me, smiling. he glances away when he sees me look at him, but he's still smiling. i look away, and out of the corner of my eye, i see him turn back to watch. i almost laugh. if he were anyone else, he'd be screaming at me, but instead, he's just amused... he wants to know if i'll fit just as much as i want to know if i'll fit. i think i like this art guy... i discover that i do fit, which amazes justin. teena comes by as i'm climbing out, and she gives me a dirty look.

i take a half hour of eliza's shift, which means i don't sit in the parking lot watching for christine. i still miss her.

when i get off, art offers me a ride home. i tell him it's okay, i don't mind the bus, and i remember to add, 'but thanks anyway,' which is probably the first mature thing i've said all day.

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*crawling from death bed to type this as I hack up a lung* [lovely picture right? :o)]

Anyway there aren't many rules to the whole lesbian thing but 1 big one is that you NEVER out anyone. So if you aren't sure if Liz knows Terri's a lesbian don't break the code. Yanking people out of the closet is never cute.

As far as the hurting because she likes some one else thing as always your situation in some way or another mirrors my own. Sorry for your pain and angst. Check out that song I told you about...


~Jay~

ok, thanks for the tip... i'll keep my mouth shut. i think if rashid ever gets the opportunity to tell liz, he'll do it in an instant though... he likes to make trouble, especially when it involves terrie...

i got that song. it does make me think of christine... but it quickly became another song i can't quite listen to... it makes me feel i'm mad at her for making me feel like this, and i can't stand to think about being mad at her... i think i can read too much into songs, though. (this coming from the same person who, for years, thought that 'jfk, blown away,' (from we didnt start the fire, billy joel) was nothing more than some letters and a phrase that made a nice rhyme...)

i'm about to fall asleep in this chair. i'm going to bed. but i hope your lungs are still attatched and you're feeling better :-).

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