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stupidfool
last night i read over old journal entries about christine, from last year when i worked with her. then i went to bed. i dreamed that i saw christine. only i was at home, my real home. i was in the driveway and she pulled up and parked in the street. she said she had to leave right away, but she was going to come to work on thursday and visit me, and she would give me a big hug. i woke up and i was excited for thursday... it took me nearly 5 minutes to realize that it was a dream, because i'm not at home. and that she's not coming thursday. or today, or tuesday, or maybe ever. then i couldn't go back to sleep, so i got up and read more of my journal entries about christine... i read up to the day she quit, and every time i saw her after that. it took forever to read through them all. but i did realize a few things.

first, if christine hadn't gotten fired, i might never have come out of the closet to her. there was an almost-logical chain of events that led to me coming out of the closet, and it started with her getting fired. she got fired, so i talked to jim about her, to see if he knew how she was doing. he knew how she was and explained that the reason he knew was because she lived with terrie. then, because i knew they lived together, and i wanted terrie to say something to christine about me, i asked terrie about jim. because i asked her that, jim got mad at me. because jim got mad at me, i decided the only way to fix it was to tell him the truth. i told him i was going to tell him the truth, discovered he already knew, got freaked out, went outside, and there was christine, who happened to be in the right place at the right time. if she hadn't gotten fired, i would have never known that she was bi and terrie was gay. i would have never asked terrie about jim, and i would have never realized that jim already knew. and had i not realized that jim already knew, i would never have told anybody. i know i said i was going to tell christine, but i'm sure that attempting to tell her would have gone about as well as attempting to tell jim went-i would have realized the second i tried to do it that there was no way i was going to. the only reason i told her then was because jim had told me she was bi, and because i was already terrified that jim knew. those two things might never have happened if she hadn't gotten fired.

and second, working with christine was not as great as i seem to think it was. i always think that if christine hadn't gotten fired, and if she was still working with me, things would be perfect. but things were far from perfect. it's just that with everything that happened after she got fired, i erased all the bad stuff from my mind and just remembered that it was good. sure, some days, working with her made me happy. but other days, being around her was just as frustrating as being around terrie. i liked her and she treated me like a little kid. or i liked her, and she flirted with tyrone. on her good days, she was extra nice to me, but on her bad days, she was just normal, and that wouldn't make me happy. when you wish something so bad, you forget all that. and when you're missing someone, you only remember the good parts. like holly. after summer 2000, i missed holly like crazy. i thought she was the greatest, and if i could just spend the rest of my life reliving that summer, it would be great. but it wouldn't have. life with holly wasn't perfect in real life, just in my mind. in real life, the closest i've come to perfect were those 3 weeks i spent hanging out with holly this summer, but by then, thoughts of christine were still clouding my mind, making me think that things would be better with her. i guess the moral of the story is that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. i think i wish christine hadn't gotten fired, but maybe i really don't mean that, or at least not as much as i think i do.

so i know i shouldn't sit around wishing she hadn't gotten fired. i've realized that perhaps that was a blessing in disguise... but that doesn't make me stop thinking about her. i wish she would come back. it's almost ok that i don't see her 3 or 4 times a week, because she knows the truth, jim knows the truth, and i like that. but i want to see her. once a month. i could handle that once a month thing. now it's been too long. a month and 9 days. hmmm, but that's not so long, really... it's only 9 more days than i went between christine-sightings last time... i can't decide if i should get my hopes up or not, so i alternate. this is killing me. no more christine discussion.

rashid was right about terrie. she might like liz, but when prudy's around, prudy is definitely her favorite.

terrie bought a thing of those valentines day hearts today. she was standing at my register and she opened them up. i stood right next to her as she picked one out and gave it to prudy. she picked a different one out and gave it to liz. she even gave one to eliza. then she dumped the rest in her hand, crumpled up the box, and set it about a centimeter away from my hand, and left with the rest of the hearts. they got hearts from terrie. i got trash from terrie.
i'm probably reading too much into this, but it seems like she's trying to be symbolic here. if she's trying to make me feel rejected, it worked.

i got yelled at by ann today. it was one of those special lectures, where it's such trouble that you get called up to ann's office, and the door gets shut and they have to send your union representative with you to make sure that she's not being overly mean to you. and you get lectured for a long time and the whole time you fidget and feel scared. the reason i got yelled at is a long story and i don't think i feel like telling it right now. but jane reassures me that ann wasn't really yelling at me, and she doesn't want me to think that i'm in trouble. because i'm not. ann just needed to tell me that i was doing something wrong. except for maybe it wasn't my fault. but she had to lecture me anyway. so i don't know. but jane is really nice about it. i like jane because she reminds me of christine, how she's always worried about my self-esteem. i don't really have self-esteem problems, but it still makes me feel good to have her occasionally tell me that i'm a good worker and that they like having me and that they don't mean to make me feel bad and they're sorry.

when i got back down, terrie wanted to know had happened, but after i said about a half of a sentance, prudy came over, and terrie decided that she didn't really want to know, cut me off, and went to talk to prudy. rejected again... as good as jane is at making me feel good, terrie is double that at making me feel bad.

taysha was there and said about 2 words to me, which is the norm for taysha. it bothers me a little, but not as much as terrie.

marie was doing that funny thing and i was arguing with myself about it. the part of me that claims to dislike her had temporarily won, and i think she noticed, because she asked 'you don't like me, do you?'
how do you answer that question? if you say no, it sounds like you're saying 'no, i don't like you.' but if you say yes, it sounds like you're saying 'yes, you're right, i dislike you.' or that's how it sounds to me, anyway. i might not like her, but i would never tell her that, because half the reason i don't like her is because i think i might like her. this is messed up shit going on inside me, and so i think it's not completely her fault that i don't like her. i don't know... she confuses me. but anyway, even if i hated her, i wouldn't tell her that. it's rude.
so i answer 'yes. i mean no. i mean yes. i mean no. wait, i mean, dude, that's a funny question...'
she stares at me blankly.
i stammer 'uhh, i mean, i like you just fine. but you shouldn't ask that question like that because it's not easy to answer.'
she tells me i'm weird and i thank her and she leaves.

i got carts at night. the parking lot... the cars... the lights... i miss christine. will i ever stop missing her?

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I think the chemistry between you and Marie is funny. And yes I think it's chemistry.

when you're missing someone, you only remember the good parts.


This is so true. I can tell you everything that happened between June and Oct between Nan and me but the bad stuff doesn't really register. It wasn't until I just read your entry that I remembered that about 2 weeks before "the incident" I had been so frustrated that I started thinking we needed to maybe not see each other every day.

Absence makes the memory selective. (Sidenote: if you are mad at someone I have realized it works in the same way. You remember all the wrong shit and none of the good.)

~Jay~

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