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stupidfool
today i worked. eliza and cheryl called off and terrie was going crazy trying to cover everything. and she was hot because she is always hot. she got marie to come in. marie made me say 'tapioca' because i can't say it and she thinks it's cute. she tells art 'listen to this,' and then says 'what's that lumpy pudding?' and i am embarrassed before i even try to say it and turn 7. art says 'aww, don't tease loser,' and marie says 'but she's so cute,' and i am 7.

liz was bagging for me and then there were no more customers, so she stayed at the end of my lane and we were talking. terrie comes over and asks if we're talking about the ol' hometown and we laugh and say no. and then she keeps talking, only it's not right. i'm standing between her and liz, but she talks over me and to liz, like i'm not even there. liz doesn't realize that terrie's not interested in talking to me too, so she keeps saying things to include me in the conversation. and terrie keeps excluding me. i occasionally talk to terrie, but when she answers me, she aims the answers at liz. it drives me crazy. terrie hates half the world. i wonder if she hates me too. if she weren't so damn hot, i wouldn't care...

a customer told me that i was the best cashier here because i was nice and fast, and a different customer told me, after i had finished their order, that this was their favorite grocery store because we had the greatest customer service. this isn't the greatest job, but i like doing a good job of it.

marie came up behind me and poked a finger in each side and i jumped and spun around, but at the same time, she moved, so i had to turn in a complete circle before i could look at her. she was grinning at me and i had this strange urge to be close to her. i took a step closer and then i stepped back and hated myself, and her too. i hate her the most when i like her. she is pure confusion. and terrie is pure frustration. and christine would be pure happiness, if she would ever come back, but now she's nothing but disappointment. i need some people in my life to stick around and provide me with positive emotions.

when it was about the time that i would expect christine to come, i asked amit if he wanted me to go get carts. i know it's worse when i'm watching for her, but i worry that maybe i'll miss her if i'm not out there, because what if she just drives through, and doesn't come in? or maybe it's just that i like to torture myself... he said yeah. i got every cart from every corner, to make sure i was out there for the whole time period that she might come. as i was finishing up, art chased a customer outside to give her a bag she forgot. on his way back in, he looked at me pushing a train of carts, and then out at the almost cart-less parking lot, and told me, 'loser, you do a good job. does anybody ever tell you that?' i said 'uhhh thanks,' but i felt guilty. if i weren't watching for christine, maybe i would still do a good job, but i sure feel like i don't deserve that compliment.

i got off and i sat outside, in my dark corner, and watched for christine. i wanted her to come. i want to come out to my parents this weekend, and this was my last chance to see her before i went home. i was desperate. i remember her saying every time i pray, things happen... so i prayed for her to come. i prayed to god i know it might be bad that i'm not sure that i believe in you, but if you exist, please, let her come tonight..., and when that didn't work, i prayed to christine please, come tonight. nobody listened. she didn't come.

i think about garth brooks' song, unanswered prayers, and console myself by thinking that he's right. maybe god didn't send her tonight because he knew it was a bad idea to come out to them this weekend. maybe he's going to wait, and send her to help me come out to molly first. it's bad to keep hoping like this if she's not going to ever come back. but she will come back... she promised... i'll be back to check on you, even though i'm not allowed...

josephine was riding the bus with me tonight, and she's slow. i waited on her and tried to help her along, and when we were a block away from the corner, we saw the bus coming. i sprinted to the bus stop, and if i had been about 2 seconds faster, i could have caught it. josephine was going to call a cab and pay for my fare but i didn't really want her to do that, and some lady in a mini-van who had been waiting at the light and had seen me chase the bus offered to drive us to the next bus stop, or wherever she could catch up with the bus. i didn't really want to make this lady do that either, but josephine was already getting in, so i got in too. we caught up to the bus about halfway to my home (josephine lives a lot farther away) and the lady let us out and we thanked her. random acts of kindness make me happy.

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CHEMISTRY! MARIE!



Nuf said

PS
You don't need Christine to help you come out. You need the strength her presence provides you. Try closing your eyes and having a conversation with her in your head. Go on your heart and what you know and feel what you know she would tell you to do. It is not as good as seeing her I know but it may help a little with the added push.


~Jay~

that chemistry thing again...

ok, ok, ok, maybe there is a little chemistry, if you want to call it that... but i sure wish it wasn't there... or, well, i think i wish it wasn't there... or... i don't know... is chemistry supposed to be confusing?

p.s. how was your last day at work?

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