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stupidfool
i've been thinking about the whole coming out thing again... i think i shouldn't do it now. i don't know if i mentioned why i came home this weekend, but here's why: my grandparents, aunt, uncle, and 3 cousins under the age of 5 came to visit from 8 hours away. when i got home, my mom was frantically baby-proofing the house, and trying to get my brother to cooperate with her. when the family arrived, the place was a madhouse. i'm not used to little kids. i liked the baby because he just sat quietly on my lap and seemed nice and calm. then he spit up on me and it wasn't so peaceful anymore. and the older ones are just a little too young to appeal to my 7-year old. they still like knocking things over more than they like building them. my 7-year old would rather build. anyway, the point was that things are pretty hectic. christine or no christine, now is not a good time to come out to my family.

but, reading rollwitme's reply got me thinking...
You don't need Christine to help you come out. You need the strength her presence provides you.
this seems logical... only i worry that it's not accurate. if everything i'm telling myself is right, this would be right. i say: i want to come out of the closet, so i need to talk to christine. i think she can help me. i feel like i'm weak, and she can make me strong. all i need is a little help from her, and i can do what i want to do.

but i'm afraid that's not really it... i think maybe i've got it backwards. like, maybe instead of needing christine to help speed the process up, i'm actually letting the thought of her slow it down. maybe because of her, i'm thinking one step behind. i think about talking to christine about coming out to my parents. i think about discussing glbt support groups with christine. i think about asking christine about coming out to molly. maybe if it weren't for her, i would skip the step of thinking about talking about doing it, and go straight to thinking about doing it. and maybe if i spent more time thinking about doing it, i would be getting somewhere, because thinking about talking about it isn't really doing much in the way of getting me ready for actually coming out, which is what i really want.
or is it? maybe what's motivating this whole thing isn't me as much as i think it is. because on the few occasions that i do skip the step of thinking about talking to christine about coming out, and actually think about coming out, i think about them asking me why i came out, or to describe my coming out process, or something involving my past like that. and then i see myself describing christine as being a major part of it. i don't just want to come out; i want to come out and be able to say that i couldn't have done it without christine. and if i can't say that, maybe i don't even care so much about being out at all. in fact, maybe what i want even more than i want to be out is to be able to add to the list of places where christine has had a positive influence on my life... like now, i still tell people about how christine gave me rides home because she worried about me walking, and i'll talk to jim and sometimes even molly about how christine stopped me from quitting my job. and when people ask why i'm only taking one class, i can explain that i was going to just drop out of school, but then christine helped me to realize that that was a bad idea, so i'm taking just one for a little break, but that way i'm still working towards my degree. everybody knows that's the 'right' thing to do. even if they don't know who christine is, they know that she must be a good influence, to convince me to stay in school... and i like that. i don't know why i like it, but i do. it means a lot to me to be able to tell people that christine is taking care of me, and looking out for me, and making sure i do the right thing. maybe that's all i want, and i don't even care about coming out as much as i think i do...

i don't even know if any of that made sense, but i guess it all kinda ties back into the entry i wrote a week or so ago, about not knowing where i want to go for me, because everything in my life ends up going back to christine. if christine didn't exist, what would be going on with me now? maybe i would already be out, because instead of wasting my time thinking about her, i would have been planning out a way to do it. or, to look at the other extreme, if she didn't exist, would i even want to come out as badly as i do now? i don't know the answer. i want to say yes, but i'm scared that the answer might be no. really, i don't know. i guess thinking about it so much only helped me to realize that i'm even more lost than i thought i was... i know nothing about me, except for that i still miss her...

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You need a way to connect with Christine or allow her some connection to you. Coming Out is the best outlet for that. I think that is fine. You should know though that whether Christine helps you out or whether you do it yourself or whether you never tell a soul Coming Out is about you. Once you accept and deal with it within you it's no longer about coming out it's about letting every one else in. In to your world. In on your secret. In to your life.

Riley said something that stuck with me. She said "people come out and they have all these expectations of how ppl will react or what they will say and they get impatient or hurt if the response isn't "right." What you have to remember is all the days and months you spent thinking over your decision to tell them and trying to figure out if how you felt was how you felt. Everything you went through they have to go through on a different scale. So when you come out they are coming out too in a sense only you have had time to deal with it and they haven't. People need time."

Be sure of what is in your heart. Be prepared to give them time. Be ready to let them in. Coming out isn't about Christine it's about you. Letting them in isn't about Christine it's about you and them. Christine's affect on you is about Christine and with that you have 3 different issues that you have complicated yet simplified into 1.

When you are ready you will separate the three. But until then have your thoughts of Christine and clear your heart and stop badgering yourself for it. There is nothing wrong with feeling is there?


~Jay~

you're pretty good at leaving comments to make me feel better about things. i think i'm going to have trouble explaining this, but it's like i get so caught up in things that it helps to have somebody come in and break it down for me: here's what you're doing. here's why. like a psychologist, sort of? i don't know, it just seems like even if you didn't change what's going on in my head, you gave me a simple breakdown of it...
You need a way to connect with Christine or allow her some connection to you. Coming Out is the best outlet for that.
Coming out isn't about Christine it's about you. Letting them in isn't about Christine it's about you and them. Christine's affect on you is about Christine and with that you have 3 different issues that you have complicated yet simplified into 1.
and i think i needed that.
right, so i seem to have lost my way with words, if i ever had one, and i have to go cook molly dinner anyway. but thank you.

I am a Psych major so I gues it's a gift. :0) No but really I have this wonderful habit of being able to reach in and pull out the simple explanations of things. It's kind of like the exact opposite of my other habit of getting into a lot of dramatic over emotional bullshit! *shrugs* In other words I am blind to my own simple answers.

PS
I answered your Ally McBeal question on my Journal page...

~Jay~

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