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stupidfool
my weekend:
so the aunt and uncle were up and my parents decided that since it was their vacation, they should be able to relax, and not worry about taking care of the kids. my parents also decided that it was their duty to entertain my aunt and uncle. fly, d, and jake had a million things to do-practices, homework, and other prior commitments. this left me pretty much babysitting the kids the entire weekend. it could have been worse, i guess. they're 3 boys, but the baby is so young that if you sit it down in one spot, it won't move and it won't get into anything. and, it's a pretty good baby, so you can leave it there a while and it won't even cry. the oldest boy, drew, is 4 and i don't know if your sexuality is determined by age 4, but this kid shows all the signs of being a little gay boy. i guess i shouldn't really be talking. i'm only going by stereotypes here, because i've only known one gay guy, and he WAS the stereotype of a gay guy. but drew speaks softly, aims to please, and he has that thing in his voice that just sounds gay... like a lisp, but not a lisp. i know, i know, he's got no testosterone, so how can i expect him to talk like a guy? maybe it's just me hoping that i'm not the only queer in the family. but whatever, i'm going to keep an eye on this kid. the middle kid, jamie, is quite a handful. he's a hyperactive little troublemaker, and it's a good thing the other two were so good, because i had enough trouble just chasing jamie around. he wore me out. but my body's not used to going to bed at 8, when the kids went to bed. the earliest i could convince my body to sleep was about 3 or 4, and jamie was up and screaming by 7. i got no sleep either day that weekend... but i did get a thank you from my parents. and my mom sewed a button for me. and my dad bought me dinner. and it was nice to see fly and d and even jake, for a little bit.

so i came back here and slept until class. when i got back from class, around 8, i was sitting in the main room with a bucket of legos, attempting to create a new car for the train. alana, lauren, molly, alana's boyfriend, and molly's boyfriend were all in the main room/kitchen too, and they were getting along. it was a miracle, so even though i was watching bet and building my legos, i was also listening to them converse peacefully. they were talking about scholarship applications, and aaron said 'extracurricular.' this, of course, made me think of terrie, and i just started laughing. they ask what's so funny and i explain, still laughing, 'terrie asked if a hot lady was looking for her.' then i realize that i probably didn't need to tell that part of the story. so i switched and said 'teena asked if she got a little extracurricular and i just thought that was a funny way to word it, and now you're talking about putting extracurricular on scholarship applications and it's funny.' they sort of laugh, but don't see how the first statement goes with the second statement, so i have to tell the whole story, which i do, but leave out all the parts where i think and feel and wonder, and just say what happened. but when i get to terrie asking about the lady looking for her, i say 'terrie asked if i saw a lady with a baby.' molly says 'i thought you said she said sexy lady,' so i had to explain that too. i'm nervous about this and the words fly out, not quite right, but very animated. 'she did. she asked if i saw a sexy lady, but what do i say yes? because then she's oooooh loser, you thought she was sexy, me and you should TALK' (here i throw in an eybrow-wiggle and they all start laughing, and i continue through their laughter,) 'and geez that's not what i want so i wait for her to say something that i can better answer without that problem, so then she said with a baby.'
they laugh and repeat 'oooh, me and you should TALK,' and try to mimic my expression and even i am laughing, but i don't feel right about this. inside me, i think i'm practically ready to come out to them, but here it comes up in conversation, and i'm trying my best to deny it without flat-out lying. i guess it's good that i didn't lie. but really, is there a big difference between lying and leading somebody to believe a lie? the only real difference is that i stink at flat-out lying, but if i can justify it in my mind, to make myself see how i could twist my words into the truth, then it's ok to tell an almost-lie. and this was easy to twist because really, it was the truth. if you just take the words, that's almost exactly what was going through my mind when terrie asked me about the sexy lady. it's just that when i told it to them, i used the tone and the expressions that told them that i would never want anybody to think i'm a lesbian because lesbians are sick. and that's not what i think. and i don't want them to think that's what i think... but when the topic comes up, i forget that, and get scared, and deny it. everything's ok in my mind, but when it comes up in real life, i just panic. i think i need to practice talking about it in real life. if christine isn't coming back, maybe i could just talk to jim... i can't bring it up though... maybe he will. or maybe christine will come back. if jim ever brings it up, i swear i won't run away, or avoid the topic. i'll use the opportunity to practice discussing it. i mean it...

terrie is on vacation this week. jim is gone til friday. anthony is gone for a few weeks. rashid is off til friday. taysha is off til friday. i don't work with marie til saturday. this is going to be a boring week, work-wise...

in other areas of my life:
i still don't know what i'm doing about school next quarter, but i made myself a tentative schedule for any option. i know which class i'm going to take if i take just one. i know which 3 classes (that's taking christine's advice... you'd better take 3 next quarter, then) i'm taking if i go full-time. and then there's the option of not going at all.
(i think probably i know deep down that i'm going to go back to full-time next quarter. i know i need a degree, and taking one class at a time isn't the best idea. i think i'm probably just waiting to officially decide because i'm hoping that i'll see christine before them, and then i can announce that i talked to christine and i'm going to go full time next quarter, and people will think that those two things are related, and maybe i can even convince myself that they're related, and that i owe it all to christine. but i don't like to think that i'm thinking this. and maybe i'm not, so i'm just going to keep it as a tiny little unimportant barely-there thought.)

i plan on watching that 80s show on wednesday with alana, her boyfriend, and lauren because we are such products of the 80s... then we're going to get milkshakes. thursday i'm going to some stupid dress-up engineering banquet where they'll serve mature food that i won't like. and sometime i'm supposed to go shopping with katie. and next weekend, brandy and brooke are coming up to visit me and jessica, and i'm going to spend saturday with them. that's my best attempt at a social life.

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Now THAT's a journal entry. And the fact that you did it at 4:44am makes you my hero.

uhhhh... thanks. it's always nice to be a hero...

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