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jim came in to work today to shop and talk to ann. i didn't realize how much i had missed him until i saw him, and then i had to smile because i was glad he was back. the smile didn't last long though. he had to talk to ann because he is leaving - for real this time. this isn't like terrie's kind of leaving, where she's always leaving tomorrow, but tomorrow always turns into today, and she's always here, just like yesterday. this is for real. sunday is his last day. he works thursday, friday, saturday, and sunday, and that's it. he was telling me all about it, and how he was sick of all the people at this store, and he's been here for way too long, and he just needs to get away, and now he finally is doing it. he asks, 'isn't it great?'
jim is leaving... christine is gone... this isn't right. i need him to stick around. i reply flatly, 'no.'
he smiles and says 'but i'll still see you. we never did go skiing. and we still have to see that movie, remember? i'll email you, and i'll come back to visit too.'
i asked 'but i thought you were sick of this place?'
he says he is. he says he's sick of everyone here, except for me and jane. he tells about how when he first got here, jane made him be her friend. he was quiet and shy, and she just kept talking to him and making him talk back until they were friends. he laughs and adds, 'like i did to you.' i smile, because i remember that. him and christine both insisted on talking to me, even when i did an awful job of answering.
i ask if he's really only going to miss jane and me. he says maybe a few others. i suggested like the new people, because he hasn't been around them forever. he says 'yeah, like liz.'
liz wasn't this popular in high school... why does everybody like liz so much? i ask him that, and he answers, 'i think it's just because she's so hot.'
i answer 'liz? no...'
he says 'you don't think so?'
i say no, and he asks if she's too plain for me, and i say i guess. he says but out of the people who work here, she's probably the hottest. i think of taysha and terrie... i tell him i don't think so, and then i look down at the registers. the cashiers are liz, dana, and 2 older ladies. i tell him that she's the best out of the people here now. he laughs.
then he keeps trying to think of hotter girls. he says maybe terrie. i'm not about to agree with that. i'll tell him taysha's hot. in fact, it's on the tip of my tongue. i WANT to tell him taysha's hot. but he talks to terrie all the time, so i don't want to admit that. maybe he won't tell her, but i'm not chancing it. so i wrinkle up my nose and ask in amazement, 'terrie????'
he says ok ok, how about prudy. i want to say how about taysha. it would be good for me to say that... i say no to prudy, but terrie thinks so. he wants to know how i know that, so i tell him, and he didn't know that prudy knew that terrie was a lesbian. i tell him she knows, and she flirts with terrie too, because i think she's crazy. he laughs.
he tries to come up with somebody else, but then a customer needs my help, and then ann comes by and he has to go talk to her and then he leaves.

my thoughts for the rest of the night all stem from that little conversation i had with jim...
i wanted to tell him taysha was hot. i'm a little upset that i didn't. but doesn't the conversation that i had count for something? i guess mostly, i just refused to admit that any girl was hot, which isn't so great. i did say liz was the best-looking one here, though. that's like talking about being gay, just without saying the words. it's a start...
but he's leaving, so it's also the end. i don't work with him thursday or saturday. i will only see him 2 more times at work... will i see him outside of work? i need to see him... without him and christine, i'm right back to where i started, and i don't want that...
only there's still that crazy part of my brain, and it's started plotting already. it's the same part that sees everything as an opportunity to talk to christine. this is a chance. jim is leaving and that's good. i can see that it's good, because i know that after a while without christine or jim around, i'll start getting upset. the longer i go without seeing them, the more lonely i'll feel, and the worse i'll get... when i get upset enough, people can tell. so after a while without jim or christine, my closet will get to me, i'll be miserable, and maybe terrie will ask what's wrong. and maybe i can answer 'jim is gone... christine is gone...' and maybe she'll tell christine i said that, and christine will come back for me. or maybe terrie will suddenly take an interest in me, and drag me out of the closet, and then she can fill the hole christine and jim left. either way would be ok. and if i get close enough with terrie, maybe i'll see christine, since they live together.
i'm stupid. i really am. that's the dumbest thought i've ever had. it's as bad as wishing molly would hate me for being a lesbian, so i have a good reason to call christine. it's just dumb. i'm just dumb.
the other thing i think about is man-haters. i read somewhere that people labeled lesbians as 'man-haters,' and i thought that was the dumbest thing i had ever heard. just because i was a girl, most my friends were girls and i liked to date girls didn't mean i hated men. yeah, i'd never have sex with one, but i didn't hate them, and i couldn't see how anybody could say i did.
but now, what jim said about making me be his friend triggers a bunch of memories, and i have to re-think this. when i think about people trying to get me to open up to them, i always think about christine. when i think about people reacting well to the news that i'm a lesbian, christine comes first. when i think of people who were nice to me when i first started working here, i always think about christine. in reality, though, jim's done everything that she's done except for disappear.
when i was new and quiet, he talked to me probably more than she did... when i was upset, he worried about me as much as she did, but i hardly noticed because her concern meant so much more to me... he offered to take me home as much as christine did. the only difference was that when i said no, he didn't push me to accept a ride, and she did. that doesn't mean he cared less; it just means he cared differently. he thought i should make my own decisions and she thought i should make the 'right' decision. the same goes for school. she told me to stay in school and he told me that a degree would be good to have, but if i needed a break, i should do what was right for me. they both cared about me; they just had different opinions on the best way to show it. and i shouldn't give christine more credit just because i was out to her first. he was as ready for me to come out of the closet as she was, and they both thought that i should be the one to say it. the only difference was that he decided that if i wasn't ready to say it, it wasn't his buisness to drag me out, and christine decided that it was her buisness. i'm extremely glad that christine forced me out, but i shouldn't think any less of jim just because he didn't. that's a tough decision to make, and just because he decided to leave it up to me doesn't make him a worse friend. they both wanted what was best for me; christine just pushed me more. of course, i'll say that she's the best, but you could argue that jim's method was actually best. christine was trying to make sure i did what she thought was right for me, and he was just being less pushy - advising me to do what he thought was right for me, but allowing me to make my own choices, and then being there to catch me if i fell. christine did nothing for me that jim wouldn't have done for me if i had let him. the only difference: she's a beautiful girl and he's a guy. is it any wonder they call us man-haters? if i wasn't so tight in my closet, and i told somebody the whole story, and then voiced my opinions on how great christine had been for me, they would call me blind... oblivious... a man-hater... because sure, christine is great, but for god's sake, so is jim! i'm being completely unfair. i'm playing favorites. i don't hate jim at all, but compared to how much i like christine, the emotion i feel for him may as well be hate. and if you look at it logically, they should be the same in my mind. or if not, he should be ahead, because he is still here.
so with that in mind, i re-think my plans to talk to christine. why couldn't i just talk to jim? christine has the advantage that she's been through it, and she could speak from experience, but probably more than i need advice, i just need to practice talking about it outloud. i know jim would be more than happy to help me if i asked.
but i still want to talk to christine. and i know that the reason that i want to talk to her instead of jim doesn't have a whole lot to do with the fact that she's been there. i want to talk to her because in my mind, she is the most wonderful person in the world... she has the answers to all my questions... she is my savior, my superhero, the solution to all my problems... she is a girl. he is a boy. am i being a man-hater? how many other times in my life have i favored a girl over a boy when i shouldn't have? i feel guilty... but i don't want to stop thinking of christine as the best. i want to pretend that i never thought about this. i want jim to be good and christine to be 10 times better, and i don't want to remember that that's a stupid way to think.

(side note: the music i am listening to right now is melissa etheridge-come to my window. i went to type that in the 'current music' box, and then i stopped and got defensive because melissa etheridge is lesbian music. i don't want to be a stereotypical lesbian. i don't like her music because i'm a lesbian. i don't like ani difranco so much. i don't even know who tegan and sara are. i am not a stereotypical lesbian. my dad likes melissa etheridge. he has all her cds. i grew up listening to melissa etheridge, probably before she was even out of the closet. so it's in the box, but i swear: i am listening to her because my straight dad introduced me to her and i like her music, NOT because i am a lesbian.)

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You're so weird I think I love you!

Okay you ARE NOT a man hater. Lesbians are described as man haters by the same ignorant and dickless men who would mostly likely call a Professional and highly qualified corporate climbing woman a bitch, lesbian, or slut. (and yes that could probably be construed as a man hater comment) Lesbians are also described this way by some women who do not understand and could never possibly concieve that you don't have to hate one to love the other. Most people think feminists (whether str8 or gay) are man haters and a very high percentage of people think that all feminists are lesbians and all lesbians are feminists, which I guess brings you full circle in a lot of ways.

As far as the feminist/lesbian thing I summed my views up pretty well in this viewpoint I posted on my page sometime in 98 right after I came out.

My opinion, or question, rather is on the topic of femminism. Why is it that in this society if you are a lesbian you must be a feminist and if you are a feminist you must be a lesbian? I don't get it. My male best friend told me years ago and I quote "Girls who like dick don't believe in that every women for herself shit. Only girls who wish they had a dick do." I just stared at him then but now I wonder is that what all these people out here believe? I mean if you are a feminist does that mean that deep down in your soul of souls you must be a lesbian? And if that is so does that mean that if you are a lesbian, out and proud, but you don't transcribe to feminist views that you are not truely a lesbian?

I am a lesbian and a feminist and a few of my friends are just one or the other. Deep down in the heart of your heart and the soul of your soul I think you are what you stand up for and believe. You can be one with out the other and anyone who says you can't - quote me here- IS FULL OF SHIT!!!

I think this goes for the man hater thing too. There are some lesbians who HATE men for all the shit they went through or for all the shit they saw their momma go through and for all the various shit in between. But there are lesbians who regard men and women the same they just are attracted to and love women. You do not have to be one to be the other.

Jim is your friend and he is male. This is just and follows course. Christine is your obsession and she is female. This too, in it's own way, is just and follows course. One does not subtract from the other. Because you obsess over Christine does not mean you love Jim any less as a friend. Because Jim is your friend does not mean that you can not still have your mental obsession with Christine.

As far as the advice giving was concerned. I have learned in all my debactles(sp) and all my randomly planned (figure that out) errors of life that most of the questions that we need answers to are questions we already have answers to. And the other questions we will only hear the answers to if the right person is giving them. Meaning Jim, while your friend was, is not and never will be (because of that whole having a penis thing) your obsession nor can he (not being a lesbian or gay) fully understand the issues that plague your mind and heart. The combination of the latter two makes it logical that you would focus soley on what Christine said and not what Jim said even though they said the same thing with a different approach.

In the long run it may be beneficial to talk to Jim for he is your friend. However it might be counter productive on the friend aspect and the figuring-all-this-shit-out-in-your-head aspect to talk to him because you believe you are a man hater and you don't want to be.

If you were truly a man hater would you care?


You're so weird I think I love you!
lol... ummm, thanks?

and yeah, you're probably right (as always...) if i were really a man hater, i wouldn't care.

and on the topic of feminism... i didn't really have my own opinions on it, but i think it's fascinating. i took a women's studies class, and it was basically a class that taught you how to be a femisist. (it was almost all girls, and to me, they all seemed straight, but my gaydar sucks...) anyway, they were always discussing the barriers that women had to overcome to reach equality, and one of the major ones was homophobia. they brought up the point that the only 'good' feminists were lesbians, but it was like a big circle. people think that all feminists are lesbians. however, there are probably straight women out there who believe in all the things that feminists stand for, but the straight feminists are afraid of being labeled as lesbians themselves, so they don't stand up for what they believe in. then because the straight ones don't voice their opinions, the only feminists that people see are the lesbians, which leads them to conclude that all feminists are lesbians... and we're right back where we started. i don't know for sure if this is the case (that many straight women share the beliefs, but are silent), but it makes a lot of sense and i think it could be. if not, it's an interesting thought anyway, and i'm thinking about taking another women's studies class sometime, just to hear more...

(this time, i really am going to bed)

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