?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Previous Entry Share Next Entry
warning: you probably want to skip this one... it's getting late; i'm getting weird...
stupidfool
i know i should be in bed, but i'm in one of those thinking moods... of course, i'm thinking about christine, but bear with me here, because it goes a little deeper than that this time... mostly, i'm just confusing myself, i think, but i'm going to try to write something anyway because writing helps me think.

i remember the first day i saw her. i had a job interview, and i didn't know anything about the bus schedule, or travel time, so i arrived over a half hour early for my interview. i was waiting in the store at first, but i felt weird inside, and it was nice outside, so i went out there. there was a bench and an older lady was sitting on it. there was also a picnic table, so i sat on one side of that, and watched the parking lot. i was nervous. it was a job interview, and just that is enough to make me nervous, but this wasn't just any job interview...
i was here for all the wrong reasons. i didn't need a job. my scholarships were more than covering tuition, and my parents were paying room and board. i was making money off school without a job, and i was having more than my share of troubles with school as it was. i was always getting in trouble in my dorm, i was lucky if i went to half my classes, and i could never make myself do my homework because there was always something better going on. a job would be just one more thing to put above schoolwork in my list of priorities, and i really didn't need that. i had no good reason for getting this job; i was just trying to run away, and i know that running away is never the answer. so a large part of me was worried that i was about to interview for a job that i REALLY did not want.
however, the other part of me was nervous for an entirely different reason. that part of me was convinced that i needed this job. and it might have been right, because if i didn't need this job, i sure needed something. i was miserable. i would go weeks and weeks in a state of depression. i had attempted to kill myself, twice, and they weren't just cry-for-attention kinds of things. nobody even knew about the first time. and the second time was for real too; i just hadn't known how many pills was too many, and i had grossly underestimated. i was gay and hiding that was starting to really get to me. additionally, for over 4 years, i had been an atheist, and for the first time, i had seen somebody claim that god loved gays too. i had spent so much time being certain that i was right in thinking: god hates gays, therefore, there is no god... and all of a sudden, i wasn't sure that i was right, but i wasn't sure that i was wrong either, and not knowing was a brand new and scary feeling. also, i had spent the summer working with holly, and i still missed her like crazy. at the same time, i was falling in love with my straight best friend, and i hated her boyfriend soley because he was her boyfriend. this wasn't good for her, me, or him, but the only thing i could think of to get my mind off alana was holly, and that, too, was far from painless. i needed something else to get away from it all. i needed a distraction. i needed this job. my future depended on it.
either way i looked at it, this job interview was a big deal, i was nervous, and it showed. i was fidgeting on the bench when i felt somebody sit down on the bench on the other side of the table. i glanced over there, and she was sitting there with a sandwich. i observed that she had a pretty face, but i had more on my mind than pretty faces, so i quickly slipped back to my own world. it was silent except for the crinkle of her wrappers and the quiet squeaks and bumps that the table let out as i squirmed. the silence wasn't awkward because i didn't expect her to speak. i didn't know her and she didn't know me. i didn't have any desire to talk to her. i just wanted to get this interview over with, but time was dragging.
when she finished her sandwich, she turned to me and asked, 'are you here for an interview?'
i swallowed hard and nodded nervously. she stood up to go back inside, and asked, 'with rhonda?'
rhonda. i had never even met this lady, but in 15 minutes, she was going to decide my future. right now, 'rhonda' was a very scary name. i said 'yeah,' and my voice came out shaky.
she smiled at me and as she headed back in, she said sincerely, 'rhonda is a really nice lady. don't worry about it. she'll like you. it'll be fine.'
then she left, and i glanced over at her as she walked away, and noticed that she was wearing boys' pants. that, combined with our 15-second conversation, settled into my mind and i found myself thinking if i get this job, i bet this girl will be my distraction. i bet she will make this job ok. i bet she is going to be special.
when it was time for my interview, the guy at the service desk gestured in the general direction of the stairs, and told me to go on up to rhonda's office. i managed to find the stairs, and was walking slowly up them, wondering if it would become obvious to me which office belonged to rhonda, when the girl with the boys' pants started heading down the stairs. she smiled at me again, and though i didn't say a word, she gave me directions to rhonda's office, and then told me, 'don't worry. you'll do fine.'
i did do fine, or fine enough for a grocery store, anyway. by the time the interview was over, i pretty much had a job. and as i left, i was thinking to myself this job will be ok because the girl with the boys' pants will become something to me.

a lot of things changed from that first day. the girl with the boys' pants got a real name-christine. she also stopped wearing boys' pants, which prompted the discovery that not only did she have a pretty face, but she also had a nice body. with time though, she became a whole lot more than just another pretty face... she was a beautiful face, a beautiful body, and a beautiful person. she became my obsession and my world, and although i haven't seen her in nearly 2 months, she still is.

i think it's strange that i practically predicted that she would become all that to me, after knowing her for 15 minutes.

but then i think that maybe i'm looking at it wrong. the human mind is a funny thing... maybe she became that because i thought that she would. what if she had been having a bad day when i had gone for the job interview, and instead of doing what she had done, she had glared at me, and ignored me on the stairs? i would have probably thought that girl is scary. i don't want to work with her. if from then on out, she was exactly the same as she was this time through, would all these things have happened, or would i still think of her as a scary girl?

how much do i have control over? was coming out of the closet to christine really just luck on my part, or did i make that opportunity for myself? i know that in my mind, christine was going to be the one to find out. it had been that way since before i knew she was bi, and even before i had any proof that she would be ok with it. in real life, is it possible that i only came out to her because i knew i would? when i was walking across the parking lot, why did i go back to talk to them? the first answer that comes to me is that i wanted to tell the policelady that i was quitting. but was that really it? didn't i know that christine would never let me just quit like that? didn't at least a part of me realize that by going back there, i wasn't quitting, just baiting christine? did i even want to quit? or did i just want to manipulate christine into talking to me, so that she could help me out of my closet, since that was how i had decided it was supposed to happen? what if i have hidden reasons for everything i do, and pre-concieved thoughts motivate every thought that i think i have? do i have more layers than i ever get to see?

how much happens by chance, and how much happens because we decide it should? when we meet a person, and walk away thinking i think i'm going to like this guy, are we predicting the future, or are we creating it?

  • 1
i have a lot that I want to say in response to this but I am barely concious and it is A LOT. I will just email you tomorrow. My friend carla however used to tell me something when I would say I was going to fail at something. She'd say "Des, claim it girl and it's yours. Just claim it."

If you claim it in your head then you will make it a reality. But only to a minor extent because destiny and fate still come into play and where those two are concerned we each only have a modicum of control.

PS
You are very scary to me. you are the only person I can think of who seems to have the same thought and emotion process as I do. You are a wonder. You seek so many answers that life can only seem to throw out more questions. I guess you could say I am intrigued... :0)

~Jay~

okay. so this is obviously an old entry, but i am going through all your memories, so...I just had to comment on this one, being the dorky psych major that I am...
self-fulfilling prophecies are actually quite powerful...there have been tons of studies on this...if you start out thinking someone is nice or you will like them, you end up treating them better, which brings out the niceness in them, and vice-versa. There have even been studies of job interviews with minorities and, stuff, like they studied people who were interviewing African Americans, and then they used the same technique on white people, and the white people did badly just because of the subtle cues the interviewer was providing. So, yes. All this stuff really does occur all the time, every day...human interactions are a strange and fascinating thing...

  • 1