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ahh long day. i before i start, we gotta establish something. i like girls. i am a girl. and i like girls. i have grown quite accustomed to that fact. ive liked them my whole life, way before i knew that there was anything wrong with it. but im not altogether ok with it. i guess thats why i havent told anybody yet. im afraid that anyone i tell will hate me for it, and i dont want to lose any of my freinds... or relatives.. or really anyone. and i especially cant expect anyone else to accept something in me that i cant even accept in myself. did that make any sense? but anyway, the majority of this journal will probably revolve around that fact, so i thought id get it out of the way.
so today i wandered around my room a lot. my roommates all are gone for the weekend, so i figured i could be really productive and do all the homework that ive been putting off all week. but i hate engineering. its so boring. and ive got way too much on my mind to think about circuits and whatever the hell else im supposed to be learning in a million boring classes. college sucks. so i sit down to analyze a few circuits, and instead i start thinking. thats a bad thing if youre me, which i definitely am. all i can think is what in the world am i doing here? ive had 3 jobs in my whole life, and ive loved them all. i worked at a grocery store, a fast food restaurant, and another grocery store. i loved them all. i hate engineering. but here i am, wasting time and money so i can be something i hate. its rather depressing when you look at it like that, and it definitely didnt inspire me to do any homework. plus, it was way too hot. so i ended up just laying around and listening to metallica and pearl jam and feeling depressed until it was time for work.
at work, marie was pretty much ignoring me. marie is about 2 years younger than me, and i cant figure her out for the life of me. some days, she is so nice to me and she talks to me all the time, and jokes with me, and puts me in this great mood, and then other days, its like i dont even exist. today was one of those days. :-( i dont like her like her, like that. or i didnt for a long time, but when shes so nice for so long, i cant help but like her a little, even if shes not half as hot as christine is... christine had today off. people always talk about how gay people have gay-dar, and can tell when other people are gay. i think i got gypped when they were handing out the gay-dar, becuase im absolutely clueless. in my mind, everyone is straight, unless i like them, in which case, i deny every fact that points to them being straight, and dream that theyre gay anyway. so when marie is nice to me, its becuase shes gay. and when she ignores me, shes straight. since im fairly certain that her sexuality doesnt change every day like that, i probably need a new method for determining sexuality. i want her to be gay. and i REALLY want christine to be gay. unfortunately, what i want doesnt seem to make a whole lot of difference.
i made some customer mad today. i bagged up all her groceries and just set them at the end of the belt, while she stood there doing nothing. most customers will help bag if there are no baggers and theyve already paid, especially if they dont have little kids or anything to worry about. and this lady didnt have kids, but she didnt lift a finger to help. so im feeling a little bitter to begin with, but i pack them all up, and then when im done, she says all sarcastic and mean 'i suppose its not your job to put them in the cart.' i said 'what?,' like i couldnt possibly have heard here right, and she just mutters 'never mind' and loads them up and glares at me while i begin to help the next customer, who has been patiently waiting while this lady does nothing. some people make me angry. i think im too irritable. its a good thing i dont work at the customer service desk, cuz i would tell most of those complaining customers to kiss my ass. they come in with the dumbest complaints. like, 'my eggs broke when i dropped them on the concrete so i think i should get another dozen free.' stupid fucking morons.
when my shift ends, my friend nicki is there to pick me up. i conned her into it, begged and pleaded, 'come on, its so hot, dont make me walk.' and she gives in cuz she always does. ive known her since like kindergarden, and she knows ill return the favor sometime. tonight i guess she was hanging out in her apartment, cuz she shows up with 2 guys who live next door to her. so i go upstairs and get my stuff and when i come down, marie is right by the door. i say hey to nicki and her neighbors who i barely recognize. maries watching. shes not used to me having freinds, becuase she knows all the people around here, this is her home. but ive only been here since fall quarter, so of course i dont know everyone who shops here. it doesnt make me a loser, but she doesnt always remember that. she looks ready to say nothing as i leave, so i just give her this casual wave goodbye on my way out. like yeah i have freinds, eat that. you think you being nice to me makes or breaks my day? hell no, ive got friends who are nice to me every day, youre nothing. and i leave and hope shes wondering about me. and then i hope that if shes gay, she didnt think that either of those guys were my boyfreind. and i hope that if shes straight, she did think that one of those guys were my boyfriend. and i hope that shes not straight. and i wish christine had been here tonight, to see that i have freinds too. i think im too concerned about my image. i dont care. i think i need to go to bed. i work tomorrow, at 2, and its already after 2 at night. and christine is there tomorrow. yeah, so im going to wake up really early tomorrow morning and analyze some circuits before work. honest, i am...