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stupidfool
today was jim's last day. it was also liz's last day. i think terrie was sad about liz leaving and rashid and i were keeping an eye on that, just for fun. we decided there was no point in letting liz find out about terrie now, because it was liz's last day and she wasn't going to see terrie any more anyway.
i was talking to anthony up at the service desk about annoying songs and i said 'christina millian' and rashid came up just to hear the end of it, only he asked 'christine?' because that was all he got out of the sentance. anthony had to leave, and i corrected rashid, 'christina.' he asked 'your buddy christine?' i knew terrie was listening just inside the office. and i knew marie was also listening. i wanted to say the right thing to make terrie say something to christine about me, but i didn't know what that was. all i could come up with was 'no, she went away,' in a sad tone. he asked 'marie's buddy christine?' terrie called from the office, 'that's right, marie's buddy!' and marie cast a dirty look over there and rashid and i cracked up.

then rashid was getting the trash from up there and marie and terrie were talking to him and i was listening from self-check because i was bored. he said something about his butt, and they said he didn't have a butt. they said his butt was m.i.a. and they kept teasing him. (my mom, anthony (my best guy friend from high school) and i had a conversation about butts once. my mom said that i didn't have a butt, and neither did my dad or jake. she said that my sisters and her had the butts in the family. after this conversation, anthony and my mom would frequently remind me that i had no butt. i think the point of that was that it wasn't the first time i had ever heard the phrase, but i had thought that my mother was the only person strange enough to tell somebody they had no butt.) so rashid went up to malik and complained that terrie had told him he had no butt, and malik thought that was weird. then rashid complained to me, and i told him not to worry, because my mom always told me i had no butt too. he was glad that he wasn't the only one, so he went and told malik 'loser's mom says 'you have no butt,'' (meaning she says it to me). but taysha overheard, and wanted to know why my mom was looking at malik's butt. then malik wanted to know too, and i had to explain while rashid went off to tell terrie. i had almost convinced malik and taysha that my mom had never even seen malik's butt before when rashid came up to me, all excited, and dragged me around the corner, over to terrie. he pointed at her and told her, 'say it again.' so terrie told me, 'your mom's right. i don't understand how it's possible, but you have no butt.'
that's not really what i wanted to hear from one of the hottest girls i know. if she had ended it like anthony always used to ('don't worry though; it's a cute little no butt'), or something like that, it would be ok... but i think she thinks it's yuck to have no butt. all of a sudden, i'm worried about my butt. she wasn't looking at it when she told rashid i had no butt, because i was around the corner and she couldn't see me. my lack of butt must be so obvious that she'd noticed it before that. i tell her i'm going to have a ghetto booty when i grow up, because the words came into my head and out my mouth before i even realized they existed. she just snorted at me and said i'd need some plastic surgery, then. for the rest of the night, i alternate between trying my hardest to stick out my little lack-of-butt, to make it seem big, and trying to hide my butt from the world so they can't see that i don't have a butt.

when marie got off work, she came over and stood by me and said hi. she said she hadn't said hi to me in a while, so she was going to say hi. i told her she said hi to me the last time i saw her. she said fine then, she wouldn't say hi if i didn't want to hear her say hi, and she turned to leave and i chased after her and said i was sorry, and i was glad she said hi and i had missed her saying hi because yeah, it had been a little bit i guess and she laughed at me and i wondered what it was about her that made me turn so stupid. and why we can't ever have an intelligent conversation. it's not just me. she has more to say to other people than just 'hi.' but i only get hi's with silly comments alongside them.

i was showing the ceiling to jim, and making funny motions to show tallness because i'm stupid like that, and terrie asked saracastically if i was trying to be a ballerina. then she proceeded to get a pick-up on me, and i noticed again that she definitely doesn't have any lack-of-butt problems. if i could just touch her ass, i would be in heaven, i swear...

rashid and i threw these little balls we found in floral and tried to hit the signs hanging from the ceiling while we waited. i was waiting on the bus, inside. he was on the clock. michelle noticed and didn't care. terrie didn't notice. i am immature. it was entertaining though. better than sitting in the parking lot, dreaming that christine will come even when i know full well that she can't come tonight because terrie is here.

on the bus rashid and i had a conversation that amused the passengers seated around us. we started talking about terrie, and how she had no kids, and didn't live with her family either, and i put in that she lived with christine, and he thinks i mean they are together, and i try to explain. so first i tell him it's not like that because they don't like each other. then i say how christine has a girlfriend. and i'm sure he's seen her because she always used to come into the store with her, so i describe her to him, but he can't figure it out. they're all men. the passengers around us, i mean. and i think they like the idea of a girl having a girlfriend. for real. they're all leaning forward and trying hard to listen, but acting like they're not listening at all. he says if they live togehter they must like each other and i tell him they're not getting along. and that they only live together like molly and i live together. he asks 'you and molly live together?' i tell him, 'yeah, you knew that...' he says he knew, but he didn't know we lived together. i told him he was crazy. he says whatever, he's got some new research to do now, on me and molly. i roll my eyes at him and say, 'man, we just live together. we don't sleep together.' this is when i know that all the men were listening, because right then, they all snort and cover their mouths and cough and try not to laugh and not to make it obvious that they're trying not to laugh, but it's obvious.

speaking of christine, i've reached yet another decision on her. i'm going to become even more obsessed with seeing her than i am now. because i figure she could come practically every monday night, and i would never know because i don't work then. so from now on, any night that terrie's not working (except maybe weekends, because she probably wouldn't come then), i'm going to make sure i'm there during the time she would come. i haven't yet figured out what my excuse will be, but i'll come up with something. i'm going to make sure i do this for some amount of time... i don't know how long yet... but at least a week or two. and then after that amount of time, if she hasn't come, i'll know for sure that it's not just bad timing on my part-she's just not coming. then i can work on the whole phone-call thing, perhaps with a little help from jay, if the offer still stands... sometime i'm going to set a deadline, for how long i'll wait. maybe tomorrow i'll do it, when i'm not about to fall asleep at the computer. and then i'm going to make myself stick to it, just like i've never done for anything else in my life... but this time i will... if she hasn't come by some specific time, i'll call her with a good reason. not just to say i missed her even though i did, and maybe i can say taht too. but i need a reason too. she said i could call if i ever needed anything. i'm going to have to need something. i need a lot of things. like her voice. only that doesn't count. i need help. i am tired. tomorrow i will think some more.