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stupidfool
last saturday, when i had gone into the store with molly, and we had gone through rashid's line, we were trying to remember the name of the place liz was working at. when jim and i had been talking about it before, murphy had mentioned that he didn't remember the name, but corey (the kid from produce), knew the name. as rashid and i were discussing it, corey had walked by rashid's lane, so i told rashid to ask him. rashid didn't, but corey heard and wanted to know what was going on, so i asked him where liz worked. he couldn't quite remember the name, but he knew right where it was, and had a pretty good estimate of the name... so i told rashid 'there you go, now remember that.'

today, rashid tells me that after i left on saturday, corey was asking rashid about me. corey thought i was gay, and liked liz. rashid said that he told corey that wasn't the case, and explained about terrie, and told him that's the only reason we wanted to know the name. corey said maybe i didn't like liz, but he was pretty sure i was gay anyway, because he had seen me shopping with molly, and the way we were acting together made him sure that he was right. with rashid, i'm not at all bothered by this discussion. i don't even really deny it, either. i just joke about how i'm going to get together with terrie. i accidentally said i was 'bad,' meaning that i had done bad on my assignment, but he started talking about how he was going to tell terrie that i was a bad girl, and she would like that... it didn't matter. i don't really care what he thinks. i'm not going to admit that i'm a lesbian, but i know he wouldn't care if i did, so it doesn't matter what he thinks. corey, though, is different. rashid tells me that corey needs to do some research. i laugh and say, 'yeah, and then maybe he would discover molly's boyfriend.' rashid is genuinely surprised. he asks, 'molly has a boyfriend?!?!' i say yeah. i wonder if he had believed corey... i wonder if molly realizes how many people think that we're dating. this is probably the third time that i've recieved direct proof that somebody is thinking that, and who knows how many other people think that, and i just don't know? anyway, then rashid says that corey doesn't realize that he has to do research, so i should just shove the evidence in his face. i ask where i can come up with evidence. he says i can come up with something...

later, he suggests, 'you could go up to him and tell him that you think he's attractive and you want to date him.'
i told him i didn't like that idea, because there was always the chance that he would date me, and i don't really want to date corey... justin was walking by, and i said, 'i'll just tell him that i think justin's sexy.'
justin (who had no idea what i was talking about) struck a sexy pose and batted his eyelashes. we laughed. rashid said, 'yeah, tell him that.' but justin went home and corey was still here, so i suggested, 'how bout malik?' (malik is old. 40. or maybe 50. i don't know. for a 40-50 year old, he's not that bad-looking... but he's not sexy. and nobody would think i was serious if i said malik was sexy, which i suppose makes saying anything pointless. if i'm not going to make it believable, why bother? except that it's still a joke to me and rashid.)
so corey walks by and rashid stares at him so bad that he comes over and asks what's up, and rashid says 'we're having fun.'
corey asks, 'why?'
rashid turns to me and waits for me to answer. i don't see how this is my cue, but i just toss it out there anyway: 'because malik is sexy.'
malik winks at corey, and rashid and i crack up. corey has no idea what's going on. he probably thinks we're all strange. we probably are.

for the rest of the night, malik keeps winking at me, and making all these sexy poses. i just joke back, 'oh malik, you're turning me on...' and rashid and malik and i laugh.

later, taysha, malik and corey are up at the service desk, and i go up there for change. while i'm waiting, taysha is looking at me, and malik winks at me, so i ask taysha, 'don't you think malik is sexy?'
she says 'no comment,' and malik fakes like he's insulted and goes away and cries in a corner and taysha laughs and leaves for the day, and corey looks around for taysha because he thinks she's hot too. she flirts with him sometimes. him and dylan.

at the end of the night, malik, amit, and rashid were looking through a magazine and there was a girl in a swimsuit looking all sexy. amit says, 'look, it's loser!'
i look at the picture and tell them it's not me. malik jokes, 'but someday, you're going to pose for sports illustrated, right?'
i make a scornful face at him and say, 'you do it. you're the sexy one,' and he spreads all his limbs out and wiggles his eyebrows.
we laugh so hard that a few of the stockers come up to see what's going on.

so i don't know what corey thinks. but i think that i've come a long way, because if this had happened last year, i would have been going insane trying to figure out what he thought, or make him think the right thing. and now, i don't really care too much. i still care a little, i guess, but nothing compared to before. last year, when i thought terrie thought i was a lesbian, i was crying when i asked jim what terrie thought. now, i'm just laughing when i'm discussing what corey thinks. i think a part of it is what christine said-that they can have their speculations, but there's really no way that anybody can know i'm a lesbian unless i tell them. and since i'm not telling anybody, it doesn't really matter. the other part is probably that because rashid and i are constantly discussing terrie and prudy and liz and terrie's tendancy to like girls, it's become a lot more normal to me. lesbian is not some awful word that refers to only me and all those stereotypical butches. (not that there's anything wrong with that. it's just not who i am, and i don't want to have to be all butch, or to have people assume that i want to be like that, just because i like girls.) just because you like girls doesn't neccesarily mean you have hardly any hair, and you look like you could beat up guys. it could just mean you're somebody like terrie, or marie, or christine... or me.
i like it when i can see how far i've come. sometimes i feel like i'm getting nowhere, and it's nice to know that i'm still getting somewhere, even if it's just little things like not caring what corey thinks...

besides that (which wound up stretching over my entire shift), i talked to ann about getting more hours. she said she didn't want me to get full time, and she was going to check with jane when she gets back (next week). so if i'm just patient, she'll get back to me and maybe it will only be one week that i work such a small amount. i'm not going to push it any more until next week, when i see how my schedule looks then. hopefully when jane gets back, i'll get back to normal.

i asked rhonda about getting a raise, because rashid and alyssa and taysha and even liz are(were) making more money than me, and i've been there at least a year longer than most of them. i don't normally speak up, but i figured if i was already talking to ann, this was about nothing. she said she'd look into it.

marie called off. this bothered me a lot, because i wanted her to come in and talk to me. alyssa called off too, for the second day in a row.

taysha and kelly get along. kelly hates rashid. i was with rashid, joking about sexy malik, and rashid said 'kelly,' and kelly got all mad at him and me and malik. but later, i went over to kelly and taysha and kelly said she wasn't mad at me, just rashid. i think kelly is annoying. but taysha likes her... and it's still good to know that she's not mad at me.

justin and i were up standing at the self-check counter, on either side of it, and amit told taysha to come run it for me so i could get some carts. she came up and squeezed in between us, causing her shoulder to brush against mine. i liked it. later, she took my pen and was holding it while she talked to amit, and i tapped her on the shoulder to get it back. she's hot.

i had more to say, but molly's coming home soon, and i told her i'd be in bed because i have to work early tomorrow... so i better work on that.

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