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stupidfool
i didn't sleep enough. i forgot to bring a nametag to work. terrie said she'd make me one, but i didn't figure she really would, because she was bagging for prudy. sure enough, almost an hour passed, and she didn't move from the end of prudy's lane. finally, i just closed off my line and went up ang made one myself, because brian gets mad if you're not wearing a nametag. i wasn't paying much attention, though, and i forgot a letter. so after another hour, i went back up there again. she still didn't notice.

prudy was wearing barely-there clothes again, and this super tight, super low-cut shirt. i like prudy ok(even though i'm jealous of her). and i don't think she's completely a minger, like marie is... but i really just don't think she's attractive. i have trouble seeing how terrie can think she's attractive. prudy came over by my lane, and terrie followed her, and then terrie was looking at her, and asked her, 'are you cold?' i'm pretty sure i know where that question came from, but i don't look. prudy says, 'a little,' and i think she's embarrassed (i know i am, and nobody's even talking to me). terrie asks, 'what? i'm not a pervert! i'm just looking at you and i noticed...' she turns around and jeff is walking by, and she adds, 'come on, boobs are boobs. look, i'm looking at jeff's boobs right now,' and she makes a point of staring at jeff's chest. if i walked around with hardly any clothes on, would terrie pay attention to me?

i watched terrie's t&a for a while, but she stuck to prudy like nothing else and it was frustrating. when prudy finally got a break, terrie helped bag one order for me (i was on the express lane). i started putting stuff in a bag, and she counted each item i picked up. i thought she was counting how many would fit, but the bag was full after 5. she still stared at me, so i asked, 'how many am i supposed to fit?'
she answered, 'ten.'
'ten!?!?' there was no way i could fit 5 more things in this bag. was she crazy?
'yeah.'
then i realized that she was talking about the 10-item limit, only so the customer probably didn't even notice that terrie was disgusted with her. i said, in understanding, 'oh! ten!'
she laughed and asked if i was a little slow, and i said yeah. she was just joking with me though. i was happy.

then she had me running anthony's break, and she told me when anthony got back, take over for eliza. she bagged an order for prudy, and then she dissappeared. this was no big deal at first. i figured she was on break or something... but 15 minutes passed, and she didn't return. then a half-hour. then 45 minutes. ann started paging her. amit came out to start giving out breaks. an hour. i started feeling really scared. i guess i was overreacting, but the last time somebody mysteriously dissappeared in the middle of their shift, it was christine, and she never came back. terrie is nothing compared to christine, but i can't stand the thought of losing her too. i started asking about her. justin had seen her in the parking lot about 45 minutes ago. anthony thought she was still out there, but ayrik said she wasn't. nobody knew... she came back after an hour and 15 minutes. she was wearing different clothes-a new shirt and new pants. i still don't know why she left, but as long as she didn't get fired, i'm ok...

taysha came in and ran one lane behind me. she talked to me a little, and i stopped watching terrie (who was still stuck at the end of prudy's lane), and started watching taysha. then marie came in, and ran one lane in front of me. i tried not to watch her, but i did. she came to bag for me, and was smiling at me like i was 7. i can't ever think of anything to say to her. i told her she hadn't been here for a million days straight (like she didn't already know that). she said no, only two. i knew it was two. she didn't say why she was gone. i don't really care, either. i just wanted to have something to discuss, so she'll like me. but she bags for me in silence, except for to call me by my full name a few times. i call her 'marie bob,' because i have no idea what her middle name is, and she won't tell me.

when prudy was on her last break, i needed scissors, and i went up to ask terrie if there were any back there. she grabbed something real fast, and put it behind her back, and then answered innocently, 'no...'
i grinned and said, 'yeah there are. in your hand.'
she held up one hand, so i said, 'no, the other.'
she switched her first hand behind her back, and then held up the other one, empty, still keeping that innocent little smile on her face.
i laughed and said, 'no the other. both.'
she laughed and gave me the scissors.
i don't really know why, but i'm taking that whole interaction as a positive thing.

prudy came back, and i went back to watching taysha. i got cleaner from marie's register, and instead of moving out of the way so i could get it, she stood right there, so to reach it, i had to stand right next to her. i was so close that i just wanted to be closer. and later, i needed the foodstamps machine by terrie, so i had to stand right behind her. i could breath in and smell her. i was so close that all i had to do was shift my weight, and i would be touching her. it's worse that way. it feels good to be so close, but it's frustrating that you can't get closer. and if you could get closer, like with alana, where i could touch her and it would be ok, it's frustrating that you can't get closer than that. sometimes i don't see how touch could ever be not frustrating. no matter how close you are, you would just want to be closer. like sometimes, you just want to be so close that there's not even a difference between you and her. you just want to crawl inside of her so her body is your body, and your body is her body. since that's impossible, can you ever get close enough? or do you always wind up wanting to be just a little closer?

terrie left and i watched her butt until it was completely out the door, and then i started talking to taysha. sometimes i think that to get over christine, all i need to do is pick one of them (marie, taysha, or terrie), and let myself get obsessed. here i have all these almost-obsessions, but i keep bouncing from one to the next, depending on who's here, or who's closer, or who's got the tightest shirt on today...
in the past, to get over one girl, all i needed was another. excluding holly (who has never followed any normal pattern because she is always the exception to every rule, and even when she disappears, she's never really gone), i can trace through every girl... it probably started for real in about 7th grade. before that, there were little crushes, but they were so minor that 'getting over them' wasn't an issue. in 7th grade, it was stacey. when stacey went on to the high school, i was crushed and empty and depressed, and i missed her like crazy... all summer long... and then i met miranda. to get over miranda, i needed beth. to get over beth, i needed melanie. to get over melanie, i needed julie. to get over julie, i needed brianne. to get over brianne, i needed alana, and to get over alana, i needed christine.
so to get over christine, it follows that all i need is some girl -gay or straight or bi or none of the above; it doesn't even matter- to obsess over, and i'll forget about her. but with terrie/taysha/marie, i can't just focus on one of them, and that's what's preventing me from getting over christine. if i would just pick one, i could solve this problem...
but when i think about it more, i'm not sure that would work. i might stop missing her body. i might stop missing the feeling i get in my stomach when i see her. i might even stop missing her face and her smile... but i'm not sure that i would ever stop missing her voice... i can hear her, just selected phrases... you ok? or is it because you're gay? or let me tell you a story or if you ever need anything, just call or really, it'll be ok. i promise. or i'll get it out of her. don't worry about it or i love you... even i don't need her to obsess over, i feel like i would still need her to talk to... i would still miss the concern she showed towards me... i would still miss the smile in her voice when she talks to my 7-year-old.
she's not quite like all the other obsessions, because they never knew the truth. they never cared about me near as much as she seemed to... in fact, most of the time, they didn't even care about me at all. they could never read my moods quite as well as she could.** they never knew what i was thinking, or what i wanted to ask, sometimes even before i knew. maybe i made idols of them, and maybe i thought they were better than they really were, but i never brought any of them to the point where i was sure that they were my savior... that they were the solution to all my problems... that with their support, i could do anything. i didn't mean to elevate christine to that level, but i did, and i don't think a full-blown obsession with anyone could make me forget her completely.

this triggered a whole line of thoughts in my mind, and i was back to stabbing westward, and religion. i think it would be better to believe in god than it is to believe in christine. i'm going to not go into all my thoughts on that because i don't think they make any sense anyway.

at home, jack started talking to molly on aim. she left for work and told him to talk to me. so he did. his code is not working. at all. and he doesn't know what's wrong. so he asked if i would help him debug it. the idiot put no comments in his code, so i have to figure everything out myself. he said he would be looking at it too, but then i check his idle time, and he's not even there. his job is code. molly and i are doing pretty much everything else. and he just leaves. so if i don't fix it, then what? because i'm lost. he is too fucking complicated. all i know is that everything he did, i can think of a simpler way to do it. except for the stuff that's so complicated that i don't even understand it. the code doesn't work. i spent an hour pretending to try to debug it. then i spent 3 hours actually trying to debug it. and now i'm giving up and going to bed. i am going to have a 0.00 gpa this quarter...

**i didn't like this in the middle of that paragraph. but i wanted to say it:
most the world can't. with me, nobody can tell the difference between tired and depressed, because i always call it tired, and they always believe me. but christine knew, always, which one it was, no matter what i said. (marie sometimes surprises me, because nearly 50% of the time, she could recognize when i was upset, not just tired).