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my sleep's been crazy again. i never went to bed thursday night. i was up late being upset about christine, and i didn't even get around to livejournaling til like 6:30 a.m. then i was going to go to bed a little after 7 (only a few hours later than my normal bedtime), but i always shower first, and molly was about to wake up for class, so i didn't want to hog the bathroom when she had someplace to go. so i waited for her to get up and leave, but by then, lauren was getting up. by the time lauren and molly were both gone, it was almost 9 a.m. i was about to shower and go to bed when i remembered that scholarship applications were due today, and i hadn't even started them yet. so i filled them out, cranked out a few 500 word essays, and then went to go to bed... then i realized that if i went to bed now (about 10:30 a.m.), i wouldn't be up before the financial aid offices closed, and the forms would be late. so i took a hike around campus, dropping off forms (engineering goes in one spot, regular goes in other spots...). by the time i got back, it was noon, and lauren and alana were preparing to go grocery shopping. i needed to go grocery shopping. i had planned on going after i slept, like around 10 or 11 p.m., but the busses don't come often that late... it would be easier to just go with them, and then go to bed when i got back. they were waiting on alana's boyfriend, so i finally got my shower, and we left for the store around 1. we went through self-check around 2, and alyssa was joking around with me and lauren when rhonda paged me. she asked me to come in and work in a few hours, like a 4-9. i needed to sleep... i was about to say no when she added, 'it would be overtime for you,' and she was right... i could make time and a half... and i would be here, in case christine came back to check on her tax forms tonight, in a better mood. maybe she would care about me today... i said ok.

i put away the groceries, and had a half hour before i had to catch the bus back. i was exhausted. i took a half-hour nap, woke up, and caught the bus to work. amit said i looked like i just woke up, and i told him i did, and he asked why, and i explained how i hadn't slept. he asked why not, and i said, 'i dunno, i forgot.'
marie asked, 'you forgot?'
i said 'well, i just never got around to it.'
they laughed at me, and that's all i talked to marie.

prudy was on register and i was bagging and some guy needed flowers wrapped. she can do that. i really can't, so i asked her, and she told me to run her register. so she finished the order she was on, and we made a quick switch. the next guy in line (not express) was a 50-ish man with only a few groceries. i asked him for his card, and he looked up and asked, 'hey, where'd that prudy go?' i told him. he said brightly, 'oh well, you just switched one pretty young girl for another.' when he left, the next girl in line asked me, 'was that guy just hitting on you?' i sure hoped not... but it had seemed that way to me too... that wasn't just a friendly voice... prudy might enjoy attracting old men, but i don't. i think it's strange and a little scary.

terrie came in. she wasn't working. she bought flowers. eliza was on self-check. i was under the desk, searching for a trash bag, and prudy followed terrie through the line. on terrie's way out, she said, 'wish me luck.' eliza did. i just stared. is she going on a date? that sucks. i am jealous of whoever gets those flowers. i want her to buy me flowers. i want her to take me on a date. actually, i don't really. i realize it a few minutes later, when i'm telling rashid about what terrie bought, and how she needed luck, so we can speculate about which girl she's taking out. my thought process went something like this: i don't want flowers from her, and i don't want to go on a date. i just want her to fuck me. i just want to grab her ass. but i would go on a date with her if it meant i got to go to her place, because that's where christine lives, and i want to see christine. but i'm not getting that chance, because the flowers aren't for me. but maybe i did i wish they were. and i sure wished i was awake enough to think a little more logically than this...

christine didn't come, either.

but, i decided that i think there's a lot to be said for pretending you're ok. i wasn't ok, not doing scholarships, or wandering around campus. i was upset. i missed my christine, and it hurt to think that she didn't care about me at all... and that i would probably never see her again... and when i'm alone, i'm sad and i don't care if i look sad or act sad, because nobody's noticing. but i go to work, and i don't want them to know i'm upset. it's not like i say, 'ok loser, you've got to feel better now.' it's more like i say, 'ok loser, you can feel miserable if you want, but you'd better act fine, because i don't want these people to know that anything's wrong.' so i feel miserable, but act fine. when rashid says funny things, i make myself laugh, even though it's the last thing i feel like doing. when malik winks at me, still playing the stud, i pretend to swoon... eventually, it helps. when you're feeling miserable and thinking about feeling miserable, you stay that way. but when you're feeling miserable, but concentrating on acting happy, you start to forget about being miserable, and you start to feel happy. or i don't know, maybe i made all that up, and it was just the lack of sleep making me giddy...

i wound up staying til 11, because amit asked, and they were paying me... i can't wait to get that paycheck...

rashid and i caught the bus, and when i got home, i took a shower and went straight to bed.

i slept 13 and a half hours, and i only woke up because i set my alarm. i didn't even know it was possible to sleep that long... when i woke up, my dream was a horror movie, where this black goo came from people's mouths and wrote on cash registers, and everybody wanted to kill liz before she stole the rest of the rat poison from master p. do weird dreams happen because of too much sleep?

taysha got cornrows. the little braids are gone, and she has cornrows, and she is still hot. i think she could shave her head, and she'd still be hot, but i like cornrows...

when terrie went to go home today, she was up at self-check, telling dana what needed to be done. i was running self-check, so i was listening. she said it was a rough day, and he told her to go home and get drunk. she said no, but maybe she'd have one margarita. then she asked me, 'you're a good girl, aren't you? you don't get drunk.' she does everything fast. if you don't answer as fast as she asks, she either rephrases or she leaves. i was just trying to remember if 'yes' or 'no' answered the question truthfully, since it had been phrased a little weird, but before i could decide, she asked 'have you ever been completely inebriated?'
this was an easy one, so i said, 'no.'
she told me, 'that's good. it's good to keep your senses about you, so you don't accidentally do things you regret.'
i told her, in shock, 'that's exactly what i figure,' only by the time i finished my sentance, she was out the door and only dana really heard. that's my reason... i have enough trouble acting straight when i'm sober. i'm afraid if i got drunk, i'd out myself in a few seconds, so i stay sober. but when i tell people i don't drink, self-control is never something they bring up... i guess i don't really think she was reading my mind, and she probably had no idea that she was giving my reason. in fact, for all i know, that statement was coming from personal experience, and it just so happens that i can relate...

marie was there. i went on break a half minute after her. i was hungry and i wanted to get a snack, but i wanted marie worse, so i went upstairs after her, ignoring my growling stomach. she was standing outside the bathroom, talking to some meat lady. (the hallway goes bathroom, drinking fountain, then break room). i walked past her and got a drink, waiting to see if she was going to the break room, or outside... she went to go the other way, but then noticed me, and came my way. she poked me in the side and i squirmed. she laughed and i told her, 'but really, i'm not ticklish,' and she poked me again and i jumped and squirmed because i am ticklish. i tried to tickle her back, but i don't know how to tickle and i don't think she's ticklish anyway. she tickled me a few more times as we walked to the break room, and as we were walking inside, she was laughing and squirming, acting like me. i told her she looked drunk. she started to answer, but then she saw grant. (erin, murphy, and amber (bagger) were also there.) i don't know what marie thinks about me, but marie wants grant. she went over to him and threw her arms around him, and grabbed his arm and made him hug her back. then she was all flirting with him, and acting like she was dancing, and when he started dancing back, she came up behind him and was grinding herself against his butt, and i was shocked and turned on and repulsed, all at once. i fucking want her. he doesn't want her at all. he has a girlfriend. in fact, when she does that, he stops dancing and asks her what he should get his girlfriend for her birthday. she stayed behind him, with her arms around his neck, and started drumming on his chest. he said, 'hey, watch my boobies.' so then she grabs his nipples, and twists them and he screams 'ouch' and she laughs and he says his break is over and he goes downstairs to clock in.
ok, so that's how marie acts when she wants somebody. hmmm... she hasn't hugged me lately (or ever)... she hasn't grabbed my nipples lately (or ever)... my situation is not looking good...
but with grant gone, she sits down on the table, right in front of my chair, turns her attention to me, points to my pocket, and asks what's in it. i show her the chapstick (you could see the outline of it). she takes it from me and looks at it, and i go to take it back, and she hangs on to it. i try to pry her fingers up, and she twists her hand around and grabs mine and we grab each other's hands for a while, and then she lets go.
she tells me cheerfully that i stink. i act hurt and ask if i really do. she laughs and says 'yeah, you need to take a bath.' i look up at her. i want her so bad... i want her to want me... i search her face for any signs... i don't know what i'm looking for. she just looks like marie. not good, except for it is good... i am confused... frustrated... horny...
i tell her i took a shower. she said, 'well there's your problem. you need a bath.' i tell her i don't even know how to work the bathtub, and she laughs. then she says i stink again, and observes that every time she says that, i sink lower in the chair. so she says it a bunch of times in a row, and when she stops, i'm almost completely vertical, with the back of my head on the back of the chair and my lower back at the very edge of the seat. she watches me, and murphy asks, 'isn't that uncomfortable?'
marie answers, 'she's a green bean. she can do that,' and lightly kicks my legs. i sit up and kick her back. she says actually, rashid stinks. i say, 'no, he just smells like indian food,' because he does. i have never met an indian that doesn't smell like indian food. i think it must have a stronger smell than american food... or maybe i smell like american food, and just don't notice it. (is there even such thing as american food?)
she says that's not why he stinks. he stinks because he always tells her that he loves her.
i ask, 'so wait, if i tell you that i love you, would that be like a double-negative, and then i could not stink?'
she says 'no, then you'd just stink twice as bad.'
murphy and amber laugh. i ask if amber stinks, and she says she doesn't know amber well enough to tell her that she stinks.
i tell marie she stinks, and she says she doesn't, so i move my face over to her leg, and put my nose so if i moved even the slightest bit, it would be touching her thigh. i breath in. she smells good. she smells like i want to get on that table with her, pull her on top of me, and make her moan... so i lift my face, look up at her, and declare, 'yeah, you stink.'
she kicks me again and says she smells good, and i just don't know good when i smell it. we pretend to argue for a while longer, kicking each other the whole time.
then erin says something about quitting, and i say lucky her, i'm going to be here forever. marie says i'm too smart to be here forever. i say i'm not smart. she says i'm book-smart. i add, 'and everything-else-stupid.' she says no, i've just led a sheltered life. erin and amber and me laugh, and erin says she sounds like she could be a psychologist. she's serious though, and she asks if my parents were strict with me. i volunteer, 'well, they wouldn't let me watch tv...' she is triumphant. she says 'see! you weren't even allowed to watch mtv?' i tell her we didn't have cable, so that wasn't an option. then i add that i have it now, though, and i watch that and bet. she asks why. i grin, because i know what she wants to hear... i tell her 'cuz i'm a thug.'
she laughs and makes me say it a few more times, and tells erin how great it is, and then tells me, 'our break's over.'
i say 'awww,' because i'm slouched over in the chair, and i'm comfortable. she says 'come on,' and grabs my hand and pulls me straight out of the chair, and somehow it works so i'm not standing up, but i'm squatting on the ground. she keeps pulling me, so i waddle in the squat to the door, and then i get up and walk normally, but she still hangs onto my hand and leads me down the hallway. then she lets go, and me, her, and erin go clock in.

taysha keeps coming over to self-check to talk to me, and to start the machines up so i have to stop them. dana keeps sending her back to her register.

when marie goes home, she goes through taysha's line. i wander over there a few times while she's checking out, but i don't have anything to say, so i just wander back to self-check. then i go over there when she's facing the other way, and i poke her in the side and, of course, she doesn't react, and keeps talking to taysha. i'm back on self-check when she leaves, and she says 'bye loser,' to me in a voice like she's talking to a little kid... like she knows i want to talk to her, but won't do it unless she says something first... i think maybe i have a new theory. maybe she knows i want her, doesn't want me at all, but enjoys torturing me. maybe she likes to flirt just enough so i want to jump her, and then go hang on grant. she drives me crazy.

when i was done with self-check, instead of getting carts, i was bagging for rashid, and taysha went to do the returns. there were 2 carts. i told her i was jealous and she laughed and said she was only doing them so she could wander around and talk to the stockers and stuff, instead of being stuck up here. i said 'lemme do a cart...'
she said enthusiatically, 'ok!' and took one and pushed the other towards me, and then asked, 'where are we going first?'
i didn't answer, so she said, 'cereal. the cereal aisle. come on,' and she pulled on the end of my cart. i told her i didn't have any cereal. she had 3 boxes in her cart, so she tossed one at me, and said 'now you do. come on.' and that was how it went. we did both carts together, because that's how she wanted it, and i wasn't going to argue. i'd follow those cornrows around all night... we went by tyrone, and he was talking to her, and she was talking to me. like, we were both there, and she talked to me just as much (maybe even a little more) as she talked to him. i was happy...

molly is a cashier. i read the schedule and she's a daytime cashier. neither of us have classes on tuesday or thursday, but i always work late so i can close up self-check. she's working day shifts, practically the exact same shifts as terrie. so friday is going to be fun (i hope) because terrie works late, and molly, rashid, and malik will be there with me. and marie is closing in the office, and grant goes home early. tomorrow is molly's first day as a cashier. she works at 1. i work at 2. it's going to be weird... she'd better not get to be better friends with terrie than me. and terrie had better not decide that molly is another hot teenager for her to flirt with, because i would die of frustration.

i walked home. i want to call christine. i really do... and the majority of the people who know the situation (jay and sfb) say to call her. so i think ok, i'll call her. yeah, but it's not that easy... if i just picked up the phone some random time and called her, i would hang up the second she answered (if i even made it that far), because i wouldn't be prepared. i have to prepare before i call anybody, even my parents... i have to think about what i have to say to them... only i don't know how to prepare, because i don't know what i have to say to her. or i do, but i don't know what of that is a good reason to call. i can't just ask her to talk to me, to make me feel like a real person again, because she would think i'm insane. i need a good way to start the conversation, and maybe i can make it flow from there, if she doesn't hate me and is willing to cooperate... but even if i had a reason, when would i call her? first, what day? do you call on a weekday? or a weekend? and then what time? you don't want to call late... but you don't want to call early... and i work a lot, during normal times to call, i think. and she works too, only i don't know when. maybe i should ask terrie when christine is normally home (yeah, right...) and what do i say? what if she's in another bad mood when i call? what if she gets mad that i called? or what if she didn't care about me thursday because she doesn't care about me at all, not just because she was in a bad mood?

i am hopeless.

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i am barely concious but I had to respond or it would slip my mind to do so. 1. Calling Christine. Call her and say, "I found your number when I was cleaning up my room which was interesting because after the other day I was a little worried about you. I was calling to make sure you are okay." She will respond and you will have a segway because she will either say yes she is okay and then ask about you or no she isn't okay then tell you whats wrong and ask about you. This also works for answering machines so if you call and she is working you leave a message and she has to call you back. Knowing you, you would gain much more freedom from her calling you back than anything else.

As for Marie I still haven't made up a plot I started one then the wknd came and I forgot I was supposed to be making one, and well yeah. But I will say this did you ever notice that Marie falls over people she can't have who don't want her? Grant. Christine. I think she wants you. I think if the two of you ever hung out outside of work then your playing around would become way more sexual (you do realize she always ends up touching you right?) As for inside of work and her making the first move. She probably does know you want her and she probably does like to torture but I think she wants you as well. I think the only major obstacle is that she seems addicted to challenges, shit she can't have.

I say one day when y'all are taking break and playing around do something so that you somehow end up behind her with your arms wrapped around her. LIke if you were trying to get something back. And just stop for a second and see what her reaction is. Does she sink into you? Do her eyes lock with yours? Does her breathing change? You will be able to tell what effect being that close to you has on her.

I need to pass out now. Sorry for any misspellings or missed words or anything.


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