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stupidfool
i'm tired. i just spent the last 4 hours reading old journal entries about christine. i need sleep. real quick:

today was molly's first day as a cashier. she was trained by jane, rhonda, michelle, terrie, and rashid. she said rashid did the best job, out of all them. it reminded me of my first day as a cashier, when i was trained by jane, rhonda, kristen, ray, and prudy. the first 4 were all customer service people who were older than me, and they were supposed to be training me. then they left me to fend for myself, and when i needed help a few times, prudy closed off and came and bagged for me. prudy was a 14 (or maybe 15)-year-old cashier, and she did a better job training me than all of them put together. i think this is why i still like prudy, regardless of what goes on with her and terrie, and regardless of the fact that she is everything i hate about marie. because first impressions mean a lot, and when i first met her, i was impressed that she took the time and did a good job training me, even though it wasn't her job.

jane said molly and i sound exactly alike on the intercom. she told me this several times, and she also told molly. alyssa said we look exactly alike. anthony said we could be sisters. justin asked if i was sure we weren't related at all. and every single person in the store must have asked me why 'my friend' was here now, when it wasn't night time yet. at least 15 times, i explained that she was switching to day shift. alyssa was the only one who recognized that molly was her own person, with her own name. everybody else just asked about 'my friend' or 'my roommate.' i think they all think we're a couple... i wonder if molly realizes this. i wonder if i should say something about it to her... i don't know what i would say... i'll think about it later.

taysha was there and she kept coming over to self-check, as did justin. she spent part of her lunch break talking to me on self-check, and also a large part of her shift. between the two of them, dana must have yelled at them to leave me alone about 30 times all night. justin likes me to show him how to run it. taysha likes to mess it up, like close it in the middle of a customer's order, and then walk away so i have to explain to the customer what went wrong, and stuff like that. i think mostly, she just likes to tease me, and to see my reaction to her attempts to mess it up. she'll aim for the close button, but stop inches away from it, just to watch me dive for her hand. i don't know why she does this, but it's a nice little bonus that i get to touch her hands in the process. i wish i had thought to ask christine about taysha that night... because i don't know how, but i think christine knew the sexuality of every person in the store...

(taysha, by the way, is 16. i think i knew that, but i didn't really think about it until tonight... 16 is young. i am as bad as terrie.)

speaking of terrie, she walked by me today and said, 'y'all are not right.'
i asked 'what? who?'
she was already around the corner, but she poked her head back and said 'you and her,' and motioned to molly.
when she came back a few minutes later, i asked why. she said, 'i asked her if she wanted a break, and she said i'm remembering something,' and terrie puts her hands in the air and a look of concentration on her face, imitating molly. i just laugh, and she shakes her head and says 'yeah, y'all just aren't right.' she's amused though. amazed, too, that it's possible that anybody can be as strange as me.
molly is weird like me. molly talks like me. molly looks like me. molly acts like me. but there's a big difference that i think most these people don't realize. she's straight. i'm not. if they pick one of us to be straight, i bet most of them would pick me... molly dresses like a dyke... i don't. christine thinks molly's bi. i don't, except for sometimes with alana, i thought so... i thought molly's reactions to alana mirrored my reactions... i thought that i wasn't the only one falling for alana. but that's it. and i learned in psych that people have a tendancy to see their own thoughts and feelings in other people. so i could be dreaming. i want christine to be right, because she's christine and because it'd be nice if molly was bi. not nice like i could fuck her because i wouldn't, even if she wanted me, but nice like i could maybe talk to her.

marie was there. i didn't get any breaks with her or anything, but rashid decided today that marie was his sister too. i asked if that meant that marie and i were sisters, and he said yeah. marie said 'hey sis.' i asked if it meant rashid didn't smell any more, and marie said he still stunk, and so did i.
i called her 'marie bob' when she walked by me, because i wanted to say something to her. she answered with my full name, and justin was with me, and he asked what was going on, and i asked, 'you didn't know bob was her middle name?' she was still walking away, but i look at her, and she's looking back at me and smiling. i want her. still.
at the end of the night, i forgot to turn in my key with my drawer (this is not a big deal. nobody cares. they don't need the key. half the nights, the key doesn't even get turned in at all), and when i realized it, i decided to wait until i was sure i would be giving it to marie, not tasha. so when alyssa needed cigarettes and marie came out, i came up with the key, and told her apologetically, 'i forgot to give you this. i'm sorry.' i made the apology way more sincere than it needed to be (in fact, the apology wasn't necessary at all, but now that i've made it, she plays it up.) she smiles and takes the key, and as i turn to slink off, like a sad little puppy with its tail between its legs, she commands, 'come here.'
i look at her warily. she repeats, 'come here,' so i do. we're standing inches apart. tasha is around the corner, and everybody else is far away. i wonder if she feels the sexual tension between us, like i feel it. i want her... she says, 'hold out your hand.' i just look at her. she holds out her hand, palm up, and repeats, 'come on, hold out your hand.' i do, and she lightly slaps my palm, and says, 'bad loser.'
i wait a moment, giving her the chance to punish me more... she doesn't, so i ask, 'are you done disciplining me now?'
she smirks and says, 'yeah, that's enough for now,' and i turn and leave. as i walk away, i hear her tell tasha, 'here, she forgot the key. don't worry though, i disciplined her...'
is it just me who thinks that every conversation i have with her has sexual undertones? does she realize this?

jim came in and i have no idea why. well, i do. he bought razor blades. but i have no idea why he came here to buy razor blades. me and rashid talked to him, though, and it was cool.

alyssa had me get in the baby seat of the cart again (because she thinks it's amazing that i fit), and she pushed me all around the store. we thought it was hilarious. i think most everybody else just thought we were crazy. i tried to get her or molly to try to get in, but they both said their butts and legs were too big, and wouldn't even try.

calling christine. i think yes. i don't know if i'm going to actually be able to do it, but i'm starting to really think like i'm going to. because if i don't, i'll probably never see her or speak to her again. and if i do, the worst that can happen is that i find out she hates me for some reason, and then i never see her or speak to her again. so i've got nothing to lose, really. she's already gone. all i can do now is get her back.
leaving a message. that's what i'm thinking about now. that is a brilliant idea. jay is a genius. that is just what i need to do, because i know if she called me back, i would do fine. i just can't do it when i call her. i can have a script planned out, and nothing can go wrong because it's a machine, not a person. i won't have to react to anything it says. so now instead of trying to figure out when to call when she'd be home, i'm trying to figure out when to call so she won't be home. except i think it might be her cell phone number. i know she has a cell phone. i'm about 90% sure that this is her cell phone number, not a regular phone. that's good, because it means terrie won't answer the phone, or hear the message if i leave one. but it's bad because i don't have a cell phone and i don't know what people do with them. will she have it at work? would she answer it at work? if i called and she was working, or talking to rice girl, or going somewhere important, would she answer it, or would she just let it go through to voicemail? i want her to let it go through. do cell phones have caller id? if i called and she answered, could i hang up and try again later, hoping for voicemail, or would she know it was me? maybe i should call from a payphone, and if she answers, i can hang up and she'll never know it was me. if she doesn't answer, then i can rush home and call again from there, and leave a message. what happens if i leave a message, and she calls back when i'm not home? should i tell her when i'm going to be here, so she knows when to call? should i call maybe wednesday morning, because all i have wednesday is one class, and i'll be home for most of the day? what if she calls during that class? i could tell her not to. but what if she doesn't call til thursday? i work thursday. my god, all those questions, and i haven't even gotten to the actual script yet... i really need to sleep. i'll drive myself crazy again tomorrow. for now, i'm going to bed, and torture myself with fantasies of marie as i fall asleep...

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late for work didn't get to read all of this. Cell phones have caller id, a simple way around that and what might even help you get to her voicemail quicker is to dial *67 from your phone before you dial her number it will block your number so she can't see. Most ppl don't answer blocked numbers so she might just let it ring through to voicemail and if not you can hang up on her if she answsers. In which case you can call back really quickly and it should put you through to her voicemail.

There is a major catch in this though. All cell phones don't have voicee mail. It depends on the plan Christine has. Also most ppl turn their phones off at work so she might have her phone off which means it will go directly to voicemail, if she has one.

Thats my grand advice for today. Work calls


~Jay~

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