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stupidfool
so i just woke up and i've got a whole new set of what-ifs... (i remember the last time i had this many nervous questions about one thing... i was going to come out to jim... and look what all that thinking and planning did for me... i wound up running away from him and coming out to christine instead...)
so say i call her wednesday. i'm going to have to write myself a script later on tonight, because if it sounds too normal, she'll know it was planned. so i have to plan something that sounds like something my 7-year-old would say at random, and it can sound a bit little-kiddish, but not dumb. later tonight, when i'm not supposed to be getting ready for class, i'll sit down and compose that. then say i call her wednesday morning, and leave a message. then what happens if she calls me back? i mean, i can maybe handle the conversation, but what i'm worried about now is my roommates. i can't have them hear the conversation. in fact, i don't even really think i want them to know i'm talking to her at all. i'm going to have to run away with the phone, only i can't take it farther than the apartment or it won't work. so to my room, but you can hear through the doorways. i'd rather them not be home. i know there's a time wednesday morning when none of them are here, so that's when i can call her. but if she calls back, chances are at least one of them will be here... maybe if i hide in my closet. maybe if i hide under my bed, or under my covers, they won't be able to hear... and then i can tell them it was katie or nikki or somebody... and they'll want to know why i shut my door. because it was cold and i wanted to keep the heat in.
i have to get dressed for class now. but tonight, before i go to bed, i'll write the script. that way everything's ready, and i'll have all day tuesday to think it over. then if i'm ever going to do it, it has be be wednesday, because if i wait too long after seeing her, i don't think it will fit anymore. wednesday will not quite have been a week. that would be fine. any later wouldn't... just thinking about it makes me want to hide under my desk and curl up in a ball. my toes are curled so tight they hurt. am i really going to do this?