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calling christine...
today was a nothing day. no work, no nothing. i didn't even wake up until 4 p.m. i worked with molly a little on project #3... and i thought a lot about calling christine. a LOT. mostly, i just got more scared and worried and nervous... so i think i shouldn't hang up if i get her. i should just talk to her. because either way has its downfalls.
if i leave a message, then besides the little bit of worrying i do about the message, talking to her will be worry-free... but i have no idea when she'll call, or if she'll call. i could drive myself crazy for hours, waiting by the phone... and maybe she wouldn't call at all. then i would drive myself crazy for weeks, before i would finally let myself believe that she wouldn't call. i can just see myself skipping class to wait by the phone, skipping a group meeting to wait by the phone, skipping work the next day to wait by the phone... that wouldn't be such a good idea.
but if i talk to her right away, that's scary. i will be so nervous about making it fast that i will have a lot of trouble talking at all. once i get past my script, i will be in trouble. maybe it would help (this was jim's suggestion, a long time ago) if i asked 'are you busy?' or 'do you have a minute?' right away. then she could easily say 'lemme call you back in a few minutes.' this would be double good because she would be calling me AND i wouldn't have to worry so much about when.

so i've been making a plan. here it is:

if she doesn't answer, my message goes like this:
hi i'm loser, and i saw you and remembered i had your phone number and i thought i'd call because you might have an answer to me and because you seemed not so happy when you tried to get some tax forms. so i thought i'd see if you were ok, anyway. but you're not here. so if you arrive sometime that's not from 5-8, call me back if you want. my phone number's xxx-xxxx. ok bye.
it's obviously not something i would ever submit to an english teacher, but it sounds like something my 7-year-old would come up with on the spot, and that's the point. and besides the first sentance being really long, there's nothing too illogical about it, except for maybe you might have an answer to me. but i figure that if i'm calling her, there's no way i'm talking to her and not asking her about coming out, so i may as well let her know that's part of my reason for calling... but i want to put the emphasis on checking on her. since the first part will make very little sense, she'll probably focus on the last. i don't know. i read that over now, whispering it, and i can see me leaving that message. i think i could do that...

when she calls back:
hopefully, she will start with something that resembles one of the blue options below, and i'll be able to pick up right from that conversation. without having to worry about interrupting anything, i think i should be ok.

if she answers (this one reads like a fucked up choose your own adventure book...):
hi i'm loser do you have a minute?
* oh, i'm actually in the middle of blah. can i call you back in about an hour? *
    yeah, sure. xxx-xxxx.

* sure loser, what's up? *
    i saw you and remembered i had your phone number and i thought i'd call because you might have an answer to me and you seemed not so happy when you tried to get some tax forms. so i thought i'd see if you were ok, anyway.
    * yeah, i'm fine. it was just a bad day, but i'm fine now. how are you? *
      oh good, i'm glad you're ok. i'm ok. jim left me. did you know that?
      her response shouldn't affect anything...
      well he did, and so i miss having him or you, and i was thinking that maybe i would tell molly and my roommates about what you and him know... but then i was thinking, do you think it would be bad to tell them without saying the word? because i was thinking that it would be ok, but then i thought if they could tell that i was afraid of the word for who i was, maybe that would make it more likely that they would be afraid of who i was?

    * actually, my parents just got a divorce, my girlfriend is dying of aids, and the mafia is after me. i'm not ok at all. *
      awwww... i'm sorry to hear that... is there anything i can do to help?

^insert some more conversation here... then, as it winds down,^
oh, and christine?
* yeah? *
thanks. not just for this, for everything... not letting me run away from the store... telling jim... everything.
* you're welcome, loser *
* bye *

i figure that's enough planning, because i'm sure that won't go quite as planned anyway. nothing ever does. at least i have 3 main things in there (check on her, ask about my closet, thank her), and hopefully no matter how it goes, i will be able to hit those 3 topics.

wednesday. how early is a normal person awake? i know i'm going to have to wake myself up early for this, since normally i wouldn't wake up until 3 or 4. i was thinking i would call around 10 a.m... is that too early? will i even be able to get up by then? maybe i should wait til noon. or compromise... 11. i don't know when normal people wake up. all i know is that i'm not normal. but i was thinking mathmatically... i want to make it so that even if she works an 8-hour shift, i can catch her before or after. if i waited til 3, then what if she was working a 3-11? she might think 11 is too late to call. but if i call at noon and miss her because she's working, the latest she could get off work would be 8, and she would be ready to call by 9, and that wouldn't be too late. but i was thinking the earlier, the better... but i don't want to wake her up. noon?

so am i going to do it? i think so. i'm driving myself crazy. i am crazy. in the words of jay, oh my jesus girl, it's a phone call, not a broadway musical.
if i just keep reminding myself... it's no big deal... just a phone call...