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stupidfool
ok, christine first because i am crazy nervous. i need to discuss this, and then i need to calm down so i can sleep. i'm going to call her. this is practically for sure. i can't chicken out because i really really want to do this. i want to do it because i want to talk to her, but i also want to do it because i think i really want to come out of the closet to molly, alana, and lauren, all at once, after finals. that's in 2 weeks. i know that i don't need christine to come out to them. all i need is me. but i'm afraid that me is going to chicken out, and with christine behind me, i don't think i will. and i want to come out to my parents when i go home for easter, i think. i've got all these goals, and i think i'm ready for them, and i feel like calling christine is the first step to acheiving those goals. there are probably other paths that don't involve her, but right now, this is the way i'm going at it. i need to talk to her. so i WILL call her tomorrow.
and i thought of something else. it's a cell phone, probably. do i have to ask, 'is christine there?' or do i assume it's her? if i'm leaving a message, should i just say 'hi i'm loser,' or should i make sure i say 'hi christine, i'm loser'? i think it couldn't hurt to stick her name in my message, if i leave a message. but if i don't leave a message, and i ask for her, and it is her, that might make me even more nervous/upset/scared... aurgh i'm going to rip my hair out. ok, loser. move on.

today i worked. terrie was being strange because she's always strange. she's funny. i just wish she would joke with me more... i went up there when her and jane were talking because i had a question from a customer. i didn't want to interupt them, so i just raised my hand and waited. terrie looked at me and laughed and said 'yeeeah loser, gimme five,' and she jumped up and slapped my hand and i laughed. terrie has a nice ass....

taysha was there, and i had a long conversation with her and the policeman about cornrows. she said i would look funny in cornrows. i agree. i think i'm probably a little too white, and even if i'm not, if i got cornrows, people would think i was trying to be black. and besides, i think it's a waste of time because my hair won't hold cornrows for more than a few days without frizzing out, i'm sure, and cornrows take a while. but i like talking to taysha. and i liked having an excuse to stare at her hair (even though there are a few other body parts i'd rather be staring at...)

murphy and me were talking to the policeman, and looking at all the stuff he had on his belt. we were looking at the handcuffs, and without thinking much, i volunteered that i had worn real handcuffs once. they thought i had gotten arrested, and asked why, all shocked... i said 'oh, no, marie just put me in them.'
they took that absolutely the wrong way. (marie had been playing with a different policeman's handcuffs, and she had put jeff in handcuffs, and then she had called me over, and handcuffed me. it was not at all sexual, or no more sexual than anything else that happens between me and marie...) but murphy's like, 'oh, i didn't know you had that kind of a relationship,' and the policeman remarked, 'i wouldn't have guessed you were so freaky...'
i got embarrassed. i don't think it would have been as bad if their remarks hadn't created pictures in my mind.... and if i hadn't enjoyed those pictures so much... i tried to defend myself and ended up turning all red and they just laughed... but i finally managed to get out that it had been in the middle of the store, so i think they understand...

i switched with eliza again, so i stayed later. teena and michelle got done early. ann and brian and shakara were all gone, and there were no customers. alyssa and the policeman and i were flipping the belts on and off, and alyssa told me to stand on it. i have wanted to do that ever since i was a little kid. she talked me into sitting on it before, and that was ok, but ever since i first saw one of them, i've thought it would be fun to stand up on one of them, turn it on, and then ride it like i was surfing. it's like a childhood dream... so she saw how appealing the idea was, and she and the policeman spent a few minutes talking me into it. so i climbed up onto it, stood up, and she turned it on. i rode it to the end and stepped off, and that was it. it was, as the policeman put it, 'awfully anticlimactic.' it was dumb. it was nothing. i couldn't believe i had ever thought that would be fun. life is full of disappointments...