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nikki got a new car, so she volunteered to drive me there. the second i walked in the door, amit asked me to stay, and brought me over to the service desk to look at the schedule with him. marie was behind the desk. i told him i couldn't stay, and as i was talking to him, i felt somebody kick the back of my knee, which made me jump and react funnily... it was terrie, using the phone at the service desk. nikki was waiting outside... i wasn't going to ask marie while amit was there, so i left to do my shopping... i was all done, and terrie was still right there, using the phone... amit was still standing there, talking to marie... i went back into the store, like i was looking for something, and when i came back again, terrie was still there. i guess i could have asked marie in front of her... but i didn't want it getting back to christine that i had to work so hard to call her... so i just left without saying anything to marie, and without looking at terrie, even though she was right on my way out...
on the way home, some guy had one of those rainbow stickers on his car. he cut nikki off, and she said 'stupid gay guy, cutting me off. you're gay. jerk.' i didn't react. she prompted, 'you know that's what that rainbow means, don't you?' i lied and said no. she said it did. i asked why you would put it on your car. she said bitterly, 'probably wants to pick up other gay guys. faggot.' i say nothing. i'm upset... mad... i'm mad at nikki for being so mean about gays. and i'm mad at me because inside me, i'm me, and i hate being me again. and i'm mad at me because outside, i don't have the guts to just be me.
nikki dropped me off, i went to the nearest pay phone, and i called the number again, from memory. it still said 'jim,' and the rest of the automatic lady didn't help. you can't hear 'other options' without leaving a message... her phone wouldn't say jim, would it? is that some sort of trick, so only people who know her will leave messages, and the people who are stalking her will think they have the wrong number? did she really give me the wrong number? there's no way i'm reading it wrong. the digits are so clear... did she do it on purpose? is there any way this could be her phone number? (and what is this, like my 6th update of the day?) this fucking sucks. i have time to get back to the store again before class. ignoring the fact that i have no real reason to go, maybe i should just do it... see if i can talk to marie... if i can't, it will be a wasted trip... but what else am i going to do with this hour? listen to nin and feel sad. this all sucks.