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this is my last update of the day, honest, because i'm going to bed.
i went to class. i went late, and he let us out early, and i don't know what happened for the 10 minutes i was there, either. i wasn't paying attention. our group met. nobody's started anything yet, but jack still says he's going to get the code done early. he won't. and i don't care. i'm not rushing again. if i don't finish, then i don't finish. if we fail, then we fail. i've put too much effort into this class as it is.
molly said i seemed unhappy, and suggested we go out to eat someplace good, instead of at home again. i said ok, and we did, and maybe it helped a little, just having to try to act a little ok, but when we got back home i went to my room and flopped over the bed and played with a car from the train. it runs under the bed, in a loop, so only the curves on either end stick out on either side of my bed. i run the car back and forth and back and forth over the curved part. it falls off sometimes. it's easier to put it back on a straight track, but i can't get to them. so i have to work harder, to get it back on the curved one. but i do. and then back and forth and back and forth til it falls off again. and back on again. over and over til it falls off and i try to put it on but stupid curved tracks make me too frustrated, so i put it on the floor and get up and catch a bus to my store.

i don't want to see them and i don't want to act ok, either. i want to avoid them all and just ask marie about christine's number. marie gets off in 10 minutes, so i head straight upstairs to wait. even so, with my head down, walking the two feet from the door to the stairs, amit sees me and says hi and i have to look up and mumble hi, and as i head up the stairs, i hear him asking marie and art in concern, 'what's wrong with loser?'

i wait upstairs. beep comes up to get her stuff together and she takes forever. i pretend to stare at the schedule. and i pretend and pretend some more, for so long that she remarks, 'it's not going to change if you stare at it longer. i'm sure it's not that bad.'
and she's still not leaving. so i just go back downstairs, to wait outside. on my way, i see what was taking marie so long... she ran into grant on her way up. as i walk by the two of them, she asks me, 'hey, are you ok?' i don't answer, just nod, and keep walking. she's not so interested because grant is better than me anyway. i will ask her about christine outside, so there will be no grant.

i wait just outside the doorway, where nobody will trip over me, and they might not even notice me, but i will see them all. only i guess i'm not watching as good as i meant to be, because i stare right through marie as she walks out, stops, and comes over to me. i don't even notice her until she asks 'is everything ok?'
i look up at her and i want to cry. i don't know why. i don't know what's wrong with me. i want her to tell me she loves me. i want a hug. i feel abandoned. i try to think of an answer to her question, but all i manage to do is choke out the time that the bus comes. she repeats it slowly, and i say, 'the bus.' she looks a little confused, still, but says 'ok, but are you ok?' i say yeah, only it's not believable. she says 'because usually, you're calling me marie bob, and telling me i stink... or wait, i tell you that you stink... well, whatever...' i shrug. she asks where i live, and i point and mumble campus. she says oh, never mind then. i don't want a ride home. i don't care. i just want to feel not so by myself. i want a hug. i want to hear her say she loves me... how come that phrase comes so freely when my 7-year-old is playing, but now, when i need to hear it, she won't say it? she asks what's wrong, and i say 'nothing.' she tells me she hopes i feel better and goes to leave and that's when i remember that the point of this visit was to ask about christine, so i call after her, 'hey, marie?' she turns and comes back to me. i ask, 'do you know christine's phone number?'
she says 'no, why?'
'because i thought i did... but it was some jim and that's not the same. so i think maybe i didn't?'
she smiles at the sentance structure, and then says 'no, sorry, i haven't talked to her since that whole mess.'
i don't know what mess she means-christine getting fired, or their fight. it doesn't matter though. i've talked to christine more recently than she has. and that doesn't help me.
i say 'oh, ok,' and she says gently, 'bye bye kiddo,' like i'm 7 again, and leaves.

i sit in the same spot for a long time, and then i scoot over, into my shadows, and stare through people. i notice beep leaving, and for a fleeting moment, i want to call her over here, and maybe she'll give me a hug. those grandma-types are more free with their hugs, maybe, and i need one.

by the time i remember to check the time, i missed the bus i meant to catch, and i have to wait a lot longer. it was nice during the day, so i'm wearing my light jacket... it's cold. i want a hug for the comfort and for the warmth. i can't go back inside because 3 times is already too many. because i want a hug, but i don't want to see people. i watch the people from the shadows and they're happy and laughing and noisy. people are always happy and laughing and noisy. and i am a shadow. i think i'm not right in the head. maybe i'm losing it. maybe i'm never seeing christine again. maybe there's no maybes that should be involved in that sentance. maybe that's a probably, or a 99% for sure... and i'm all out of ideas. i'd work to see her, write another script, rehearse again, anything, but i don't know what to do now. i don't know.

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It's possible that she got rid of the cell. Like maybe her contract was up and she sold it or gave it to a friend or something. I doubt she would have given you the wrong number twice. (And please do not start badgering yourself about waiting to call)

I am sorry marie didn't have the number. There is an alternate route here you can take. You know her name call information and get her number. You can call when you know Terrie is at work and when your roommates are gone and if she asks how you got that number tell her that's the one she gave and you can continue with your plan.

I know you, so I know your reaction is like "Well what if Terrie hears the message?" when you call they may have separate lines so it will be to Christine's line or to her separate voicemail box OR at teh very least you should hear Terrie or Christine on the voicemail saying something like "You have reached Terrie and Christine we are not available right now blah blah blah."

I hope you feel better...


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