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wrote this last night; couldn't post it
stupidfool
i'm losing it. i've lost it. something funny happened today. either god had a conversation with me, or the voices in my head think they are god. either way, i think i'm losing it.

marie. what about her knowing that i asked for christine's phone number? what does she think about that? who's she going to tell? does it matter? when she works tomorrow, will she say something? will she want to know why i wanted to know?

i'm not right. i'm not happy. i don't want to act ok. i say i'm just tired, and mostly, they believe it. only amit saw it yesterday too, so he asks if i'm ok, and what's wrong, and all that. i say i'm ok. i'm ok. it's ok. i'm fine. and helen notices and thinks i'm sick, because 'with this weather, everybody has a touch of the flu.' at least tomorrow when i'm like this, maybe terrie will notice, or mention to christine. or maybe with marie, something good will happen.

it was last week, today, that christine came to the store. she came at about 10 minutes til 6, and i got my break at about 5 til 6. today i get it at quarter til, and instead of going to the break room, i go wait outside. if she came last thursday, maybe she'll come again today. i sit in my corner. it's still light outside, so i'm not quite as hidden, but i'm still in shadows. i'm 10 or 15 feet back from the drive in front of the store. i've only been there 2 minutes when i see the nose of a car that looks just like hers come into my view... it's going slowly, but then it speeds up, and drives the rest of the way away quickly. but not so quickly that i don't look. i look at the driver, and i just catch a brief glimpse, but i swear it was her. and the car, it was just like hers. i tried to see the license plate. i only made out 2 letters, but they were 2 letters that were on her license plate that i remembered from before. and i watched it, all the way til it got to the road, and it turned the right way onto the road. i watched it reach the intersection, and it drove the right way through that too. just like she would drive to go home. it was her. i am convinced that it was her. maybe i'm hallucinating. maybe i'm crazy. but i am sure that it was her. it was her, she saw ann's car (i don't know what ann's car looks like, but i know ann is here today), and left instead of staying.

why couldn't she have stopped? she didn't have to come inside... why couldn't she have seen me? if she had seen me, she would have stopped, wouldn't she have? why couldn't i have sat on the curb, instead of back here? why couldn't she be sitting here with me right now? this is all i need, just 15 or 20 minutes, talking to her. then i would be fine... it would be fine... i wouldn't feel so alone and empty... why couldn't she have stopped?

ann and brian come outside. ann and brian never come outside during their shifts, but today, they do, and they stand a few feet away from me and inspect the front of the store. they talk about mulch, and bark chips, and topsoil, and what we need to order to get the place looking good for spring. they see me and brian gives me a nod, and i don't respond, just pretend that i'm not here, and i'm only a figment of his imagination. they go around to look at the other side, and that's when it hits me. why couldn't she have stopped? because if she did, ann and brian would have seen her when they came outside. if she had stopped, and if she was talking to me right now, she would be in big trouble... that's when the voice in my head asks so, does that answer your question?
it scares me because i didn't mean to think that. it gets me thinking about religion right quick. maybe there is a god, and he's just making sure things don't get too out-of-hand down here. and maybe he's paying attention to me right now, enough to talk to me... so i stop and pray: god, please, it's ok that she didn't stay today, but will you let her come sometime? will you let me talk to her, just once, just long enough to say what i need to say? how about next thursday? i'll be ready for her to come next thursday.
she'll come again next thursday.
huh? what? she will?
as long as you don't act upset tomorrow.
what?
you know that's wrong. i'll let her come thursday as long as you act ok. it's not right to act upset just to get sympathy, or to manipulate people.
so it's wrong to act upset when i am upset?
it's wrong to act upset when you wouldn't normally act upset. normally, you act ok, even if you are upset. and you said it yourself-acting ok is the first step to being ok. you are staying miserable to get reactions, and that's wrong.
but if i act ok tomorrow, then i mess up that plan. then if she doesn't come thursday, i'll be stuck.
well i said i'd send her thursday if you were good. don't you trust me?
trust you?!?! i don't even think i believe in you!
then why are you talking to me?
i don't know. i'm insane.

at the end of my day, i wait in my corner. helen comes outside for a cigarette break. she doesn't see me at first, and then she gets paranoid, and starts looking around, and finally finds me. she says she got a funny feeling like she wasn't alone... i shrug. i am not happy... she tells me, 'it'll be ok. once this weather makes up its mind, you'll be fine.' then she goes back inside, just like that. but her words stick in my head like they've got way more meaning than she meant for them to. once this weather makes up its mind. like she's a prophet. speaking in riddles, and i just have to figure it out. once this weather makes up its mind. i know there is something deep in there. the weather. what is the weather? is it me? am i the weather? or christine? if i could just draw the parallel, it would all make sense. what is the weather?

i try to talk to god again, but either god's got no more to say on the subject, or the voices in my head have tired of playing god.

i catch the bus. i don't know what to do tomorrow. trust god? act ok? if i act ok and she doesn't come thursday... and then i remember christine, outside, that night. all i know is every time i pray, things happen. christine believes in god. and i know what i'm doing tomorrow. i'm acting ok, and she's coming on thursday. because every time i pray, things happen. not trusting god, but trusting christine.