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stupidfool
i didn't really sleep much last night. i was coding. jack was getting drunk. i am bitter. it was not a good night. i was miserable when it started, and it just got worse.

then this morning, lauren woke me up insanely early... but it was because my dad and fly were here! my sister is great... she was down here to interview with somebody for something... (hey, i was sleepy... am i supposed to remember?) it had to do with going to school here, though. this is her first choice (her second choice is the same school holly's at), but i think my dad is trying to talk her out of it. she had to be there pretty soon, but we went out for a quick breakfast first... free food... quality time with my sister and my dad... it was nice. and plus, there's still this crazy idea in my head that christine is coming next thursday, so i don't have anything to worry about.

i came back and coded a little, and i fixed something molly couldn't fix, which made me happy.

then came work, and acting ok wasn't too hard, because acting not ok would have been a complete lie anyway. my dad, my sister, and the voices in my head had made me feel ok. rashid was being typical rashid, and we had fun. terrie was there, and when molly came in, she came over to me at self-check first. she was early, so she was playing around. i have this touch-screen, and she was trying to figure out how close you had to get to it... you barely have to touch it. she was slowly moving this pen towards the screen, focusing intently on it, and terrie came over and just started laughing. she said, 'you guys are two peas in a pod. for real.'
molly got a piece of paper and wrote 'i am a pea' on it. she got some tape and stuck it to my back. we spent the rest of the night sneaking that paper onto each other's backs.

rashid was joking again about how marie and i were both his sisters, and marie was calling me sis again. a few minutes later, my dad came in with fly. i was again completely surprised and happy. when i walked by marie, i whispered, 'that's my real sister!' she was interested, and asked where, and wanted to see, and it made me happy. terrie was roaming around, like always, and she came and stood by self-check for a minute, and i wondered if i should introduce her, but i always stink at that, and i was feeling a little too 7 to do an introduction, so i didn't. when they left, i was telling everybody 'my sister was here!' terrie said she was wondering that... why didn't i introduce her? i gave her an answer that didn't go with the question at all. she laughed and asked if i was ashamed of the people i work with, since i wouldn't admit to knowing them. i said no. she was just joking, but i still felt a little bad. and i wished i had introduced her, because maybe with my dad and my sister around, i could have participated in an intelligent conversation that involved terrie, instead of my stupid 7-year-old trying to talk to her. well, if they ever randomly show up at my store again when terrie's there, i'm going to introduce them. (yeah, i know, i missed my chance...)

marie called me on the intercom to ask why my sister was here, and i told her what i knew, and she was surprised that fly was younger than me. just from looking, she had figured that was my older sister. fly doesn't look that old for her age, but when you combine it with the fact that i look a little young for my age, everyone just figures that she's older.
and marie called me to talk about something not related to work :) she used to do that to christine all the time, and she wanted christine... maybe that's a good sign.

terrie looked through my drawer for a tennessee quarter. i had 3 change spots filled with quarters. (i'm not going to explain what i mean by that. it was a lot.) so i helped her look, and while i looked, we talked like almost normal... she said something about my sister again, and i said my sister said she looked scary. she laughed and said that people always say that, because most people interpret her regular expression as anger. i think about it, and it's true. maybe that's part of the reason why i've always been scared of her... we also talk about the quarters, and she says tasha has one. when terrie and i are done with our search, i go up and ask tasha if i can see hers. when i go up there, marie puts her hands up, and i give her a two-handed high-five. then she does it again, and again, and it gets rather rythmic, so when tasha comes out to show me the quarter, marie and i are just lightly tapping our palms together, above our heads. she laughed at us.

rashid was getting carts when terrie was outside on break. she had a 'friend' come visit her and bring her fast food, and rashid told me it was more proof, even though we don't need it... he said she kept leaning into this girl a little, and she was all happy and stuff...

rashid was talking to me in front of terrie and marie. because he likes to make trouble, he said, 'prudy is my girl.' terrie answered, 'no, prudy is my girl.' marie got mad and was evil to him the rest of the night, because she hates prudy. we think she's jealous, becuase by normal standards, prudy is hotter than marie. and becuase most people like prudy more than they like marie. and because prudy and marie are a lot alike, in that they both like to flirt, and make people want them. prudy's just better at it. (except for when it comes to me, but i don't mention that)
he doesn't like marie. it's the first time rashid and i have disagreed on anything. i don't mean we fight or anything, because we are fine with the difference... it's just the first time we've had a difference of opinion on anything. we were due. i was starting to worry that we really might share the same brain.

i'm bored so i wander up to the service desk, where marie is also bored. she holds out her hand. i stare at it, and finally give her five. she still holds it out, so i do it again. she grabs my hand, so i grab hers back, and shake her hand, and then she shakes more violently, til i feel it in my shoulder. i put a hand on my shoulder and tell her, 'you're going to rip out my elbow.' she laughs, and i realize my mistake, look down at my hand and say, 'that's not my elbow, is it?'

when terrie leaves, rashid holds out his arms for a hug. she gives him one, nice and tight, and he comes out grinning... malik is jealous and says so. i'm jealous and pretend i don't care.

rashid and marie and i are talking. he brings up christine, somehow. he says something to me about her, and my answer (it fits) is 'i'm not christine.'
marie asks me, 'did you ever get ahold of her?'
i answer 'nah...'
she says, 'you should ask terrie. she's the last one who lived with her.'
'she doesn't live with her anymore?'
'i don't think so... i don't know... but ask her.'
'no, she's scary.'
'what?!?!? just ask her if she knows christine's phone number.'
'next week.'
'next week what?'
'i won't need it til next week anyway, if i need it.'
she looks at me like i'm crazy. rashid looks at me like i'm crazier. i think i might be.

about 45 minutes before i leave, i need pick-up envelopes to store all the cash from the machines. i go up and ask marie if i can have some, please. she says no. i tilt my head and beg, 'pleeease?'
she tells me to carry it with my hands, because i have big enough hands. i tell her i don't, and she holds out her hands and i hold out mine. while we discuss whether or not i deserve the envelopes, we are pressing our palms against each others palms. she'll press my hands closer to me, and then i'll press closer to her, and back and forth. i like touching her... tasha walks by and looks at us funny, so marie declares, 'no,' and turns to leave. i'm not sure if i should believe her... i ask 'you mean you're really not going to let me have any?' and it comes out sounding way sadder than i meant for it to.
she laughs, comes over to me, and says 'awwwwwwww...' she cups my face in her hands, one hand over each of my cheeks, and says 'poor baby, it will be ok. i'll get you some,' and then she slowly slides her hands off of my face, and goes to get the envelopes.
holy. shit. my. face. feels. good. i want her. and she has to know it, and must be trying to torture me. she touches me til i'm ready to jump her, and then she leaves.
she comes back with the envelopes, and holds them out, one hand on either side of them. i go to take them, but she doesn't let go. i grab harder, and she still doesn't let go, so i slide one arm under her arm, so my arm is between hers, and i grab the envelopes from the middle. my shoulder is in her armpit and my upper arm is pressed against her breast. i don't ever want to move... i brace myself against her and tug down, and she holds on for a minute, and then notices that there's a lady over at self-check who needs my help, so she lets go, and i go back over there.
i need marie. i fucking need her. she turns me on like nothing else... all i can think about is touching her again, making her want me, taking her home with me, slipping her clothes off... but for the rest of the night, i don't even get to see her, much less touch her. auuuuurgh... frustration... what do i have to do??????

rashid and i catch the bus home. he says he's not coming tomorrow, which sucks, because molly is off too. taysha will be there though. and terrie (with prudy, so you may as well not count that for anything). and marie. mmmmmmmmm marie....

i want to think about christine, and what now... but i'm not letting myself, because the way it stands now, she's coming thursday. i'm not thinking about 'what if she doesn't come,' becuase she's coming, and i'm going to get to talk to her. thursday. just in time. it will be ok.