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it's girl scout cookie season!!!!!!!!!!!!
i LOVE girl scout cookies! i bought 6 boxes today, and i would have bought more, but i only had $16 in my pocket. samoas... thin mints... tagalongs... i LOVE girl scout cookie season!

i came in as marie was leaving. i was just in time to hear a little exchange between her and rashid. i had told rashid the other night that marie had an obsession with grant. he was not familiar with the word 'obsession,' so i had to explain how marie liked him, and talked to him, and hung all over him, etc. so today, rashid (making trouble, as always) makes up a lie, and says to marie, 'hey, grant was telling me something about you.'
she asks, 'what was he saying?'
rashid answers, 'well, umm... never mind. i probably shouldn't have said that.'
she starts to be bothered, but then instead plays it cool, and answers, 'well, i guess that's not surprising. grant knows more about me than most other people,' and then leaves.
i am stuck on her answer. the way she said it, it really hit home with me... that's how i feel about christine. only with marie, i can see how it's stupid. i know grant doesn't really care about her. he likes her ok, and he tolerates her because he knows she has an obsession with him. but she likes him so much that she doesn't notice if he doesn't care. she talks to him, she confides in him, and she does everything in her power to make it so sentences like 'grant knows more about me than most other people' are true. it's not because grant cares to know her that well. it's not because her and grant are great friends, or even close. it's because she wants to be able to say that. and when she said it, you could tell that she was proud that it was true... is that me? am i doing that? i know that i want to be able to say that about christine. and now, i can. i can honestly say that christine knows more about me than most people. (actually, i can't say that. neither can marie. our parents probably know more about us... but what she meant by that statement, and what i mean by it, is that christine/grant knows more about us that other people don't know... not that they know the name of our 2nd grade teacher, and the details like that, but that they know our secrets... they know how we feel about things that we don't normally talk about...) does christine only know that stuff because i want that connection to be there? is she just being nice, because she's a nice person, and doesn't care more about me than she cares about any random person?
and then i guess the real question is: does it matter? even if grant doesn't care about her, she can still say that he knows more about her than most people, which is what she wants. and it's not like knowing those things is hard on him... he listens to her talk to him when he's at work, and has nothing better to be doing. he probably doesn't go home and think 'man, i wish marie hadn't told me that...' in fact, he probably doesn't think about her outside of work very much at all. so if it doesn't hurt him, and it makes her happy, who should have a problem with it? just people like me, who look at the situation and think that marie is being dumb about it all. but who cares what i think? so even if christine thinks like grant, and doesn't care about me, she isn't bothered by knowing more about me than she really cared to know, is she? so i shouldn't feel bad, or worry that i'm bothering her...
and besides, i've decided that i'm through with this strange obsession-type thing. what i need to do is come out of the closet. seeing christine will help me with that. if she cares at all, after she talks to me about it, she'll want to see how it went, and she won't quit talking to me completely, and that would be great. but if she wants to help me come out of the closet, and then stop talking to me for good, i will deal with it. i might want to see her again, but i'm not going to need her once the rest of my friends know and (hopefully) like me anyway. christine is going to be a stepping stone in my path to coming out of the closet. if she wants to be more, i will gladly let her. but if she doesn't, then that had better be fine too, because i don't want to be like marie is with grant. on thursday, when/if (i alternate between trying to trust in god and believe that she's coming, and trying not to get my hopes up) she comes and i talk to her, she will decide what comes next. all i need to get out of her visit is the motivation to come out of the closet in a week.

rashid tells me amit flirts with me, and amit tells me rashid likes me, in separate conversations, of course. i wonder if they talk about talking to me about these things. i know they talk, all the time, in a language i can't understand... sometimes i think they're plotting something, but then i don't know what the point would be.

molly worked til the same time as me, so i didn't have to walk. we worked on code forever. we came up with this very complex solution to a problem that we could find no other way to solve. we sent jack an e-mail on friday, asking him for ideas, but he was already out for the weekend. at about 1 a.m. today, after spending 3 hours solving our problem, jack showed up and sent molly a one-line question over aim, and i realized that molly and i were the stupidest people ever. she didn't understand, so i copied all the code over to another directory, erased all the changes we had made in the past 3 hours, and added 5 neat lines of code. problem solved. jack is smart. we are stupid. i can't believe we didn't think of that... it really makes me question this as a career choice, especially when i don't even like it to begin with...

my plan for the rest of the night: eat some more girl scout cookies, practice having conversations with the christine in my head, and get some sleep.

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I've learned from experience that when you plan it out in your head, the outcome will be nothing like it. Just let the conversation happen on it's own will. Try not to fret about it so much...
Girl scout cookies ar the best! Samoas and the Mint ones... Hehe, I was just eating some before too

yeah, i know, because nothing ever happens how i plan it. but i'm so addicted to thinking about it that i can't help but plan... and it can't hurt to have some idea of what i want to say, can it?

(p.s. samoas are the best!!!!)

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