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stupidfool
i want to say thank you, and goodbye. that’s it. i just want her to come back, and tell me that she can’t keep coming back for me, and tell me that she loves me, but she knows i can do it on my own. i need to thank her for everything she’s done, because what if that’s the only reason she’s gone, because she thinks she didn’t make a difference? she did. i appreciate it, i appreciate her, and i love her for what she did for me. i love her so much that i want to make everything perfect for her. i want to make it so she’s always happy, and she never fights with her girlfriend, and her family doesn’t ever get upset with her, and she never has to worry about finding the money to pay the bills. i want her to only have to worry about loving her girlfriend, loving life, and loving me. i want her to still care. i want to say goodbye, that’s it, except for it’s not, because i don’t want her to leave. it’s not about my closet. it’s not about me being gay. maybe i want to come out, and maybe i don’t, but that’s not why i want her to come back. that’s not why i want to talk to her. i want to talk to her because she’s christine. i only want her to help me with that stuff because i want her to help me with something, anything, just so i know she still cares. if she would help me tie my fucking shoe, it would be good enough for me. i need her to come back. i need her to be here for me because i need to know she still cares. god, she promised. she said she loved me. she said she’d be my friend, and she’d be there for me. and that’s all i want, is what she promised. is that so much to ask? some day, i won’t need her, and my world will stop revolving around her. it will be gradual, and i probably won’t notice. and then she can quietly slip away, and if she never comes back into my life, i might not even notice, and i won’t care, because i won’t need her any more. but i need her now. god, i need her worse than you can even imagine. i just need her to sit next to me, and listen while i talk about anything at all. i need her to smile at me and tell me she cares, tell me she loves me, tell me i’m so cute, tell me it will be ok. i need her to be there to hold me when i cry, like i am now, sitting at the fucking keyboard and bawling my eyes out because she’s not here and i don’t want to believe she’s not coming back. i could live my life on my own, if she was just a part of it. i don’t even need her help. i just need her to be there. she doesn’t have to tell me how to come out of the closet. i just need to know that she’ll be there for me if i do it, and something goes wrong. if i just had her new phone number, that’d be good enough. it’d be fine, to know that i could call if i needed her. i just need some connection, any connection, so i know she’s still willing to be there for me…

if i told them the truth, would i stop missing her? if i was out to the whole world, and they all loved me, would i stop needing her? are they completely separate? does my closet even matter? i hurt because she’s gone. that’s why i’m crying now, not because i wish the world knew the truth. i don’t care about the world. i care about christine.

christine, come back. please come back. why did you stop? was it because you thought i didn’t appreciate your concern for me? i appreciate it, i do. was it because you thought you didn’t matter to me? you matter, more than you can ever understand. was it because i never called you? i tried; i was just too late. did you figure i didn’t need you? i need you. christine, i need you. if i could make you see that, would you still care?
i don’t want your body. i know i did, and i think maybe you knew that, but now i promise i don’t. your girlfriend can have your body. i just want your support. i just want you to be a part of my life. please come back. let me tell you how much i appreciate it. this time, i’ll do it, i promise. if you come back, i swear the first words out of my mouth will be ‘thank you.’ if you heard them, would you stay?

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