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stupidfool
jim emailed me back. i guess we're getting together tomorrow night. i still don't know what i think of that.

i showed up to work a half hour early because it's a sunday. terrie had just finished her shift, and she was in the break room, arm wrestling prudy. terrie is NEVER in the break room. it's like a law. people like her (jane, teena, tasha, etc.) take breaks back in the managers' part... she's there just for prudy. prudy is loving the attention. they both ignore me. (prudy wins.)
they flirt and laugh and do re-match after re-match, and i get sick of feeling invisible, so i go back up front, where anthony immediately starts teasing me about the broken self-check, and how it's all my fault (even though jeff was running it when it broke). then marie comes by, and asks how my face is, and i tell her i'm recovering, and i glare at her. she says 'awww, i'm sorry,' and gives me a hug, sort of. more like she just pulls my face into her shoulder for a half a second, and then lets go and asks if i'm mad at her. (she never holds on to me for long enough for me to feel it. why does terrie get real hugs, and i get half-second things?) i say yes. she asks in concern, 'are you really?' and i feel bad and say no. the concern is gone, and she says good, and goes outside for her break. prudy and terrie come back, and terrie leaves. prudy goes out to help justin get carts. i go find a piece of dog food in the pet aisle, to bring it outside to marie, because i want to get to touch her. the whole terrie/prudy scene in the break room just made me feel lonely... i want to feel her arm wrapped around me. i just want to be touched. i am stupid. i go out there and prudy has made her way over to the table, and is talking to marie. they stop talking when they see me, and i hold out the piece of dog food for marie. she just shakes her head. prudy stares at me. i feel stupid, so i keep walking, and go around the corner and sit on the wall for a while. then i come back, to go back inside, and prudy and marie stop talking again, and prudy asks me, 'why don't you go get carts or something?' fuck her. ok, so they don't want me here. i figured that out real fast, and i'm working on leaving. i know i'm not wanted. does she have to rub it in? i throw the piece of dog food at marie and tell prudy, 'no thanks. i'm not even on the clock yet,' and then i go inside.
it was not a good way to start my day.

marie pays absolutely no attention to me for the next 3 hours, and then she goes home.

rashid is in a bad mood, and it's the first time i've ever seen him in a bad mood. i'm sure not feeling cheerful enough to cheer him up, though, so we both wander around in silence.

the only decent part of the day came when justin went out to get carts, and saw 8 cop cars in the parking lot, so he came back in to tell taysha (who was on self-check) and me (i was supposed to be on express, but i had wandered over to fix the change dispenser for taysha). we told him to run self-check, and we went outside to look. there were these two girls outside, smoking. they looked butch. they were cute. i am attracted to girls that look more girly, but i think girls with short spiky hair and guys' clothes are cute. i have a bit of a fascination with them. i don't really understand it... i don't want to look like that, myself. and i don't really want a girlfriend who looks like that. so i really don't know what it is. anyway, the girls told us what they had seen-the cop pulling a gun on the guys, and telling them to get out of the car. they were joking with us about what had happened, and saying things like, 'man, remind me to never smoke a blunt in this parking lot...' and taysha and i were standing in the doorway and joking back. she was closer to the door, and it's an automatic door. every 30 seconds or so, it would try to close, and run into her, and she would jump and be surprised, and push it back, but not move out of its way, so 30 seconds later, the same thing would happen. all 4 of us were amused by that, and taysha was laughing so hard that i had to laugh too. for about 5 minutes, we just stood there, me and taysha in the doorway, and the two of them across the way, alternating between making jokes about the action in the parking lot, and laughing at taysha. then we heard teena start yelling inside, so we ran back in there, and we both got a lecture, because she wasn't sure who to blame. ('justin is a bagger. i don't care if he knows how; he should not be running self-check, and he should especially not be running it by himself...')

we later found out (from the cop) that the guys had been stealing $350 worth of medicine. the cop also told a story about him and the policelady... i asked why she didn't work here any more. he said he didn't know. i wondered out loud if it was my fault. he told me he was sure that it wasn't. i said it might be. he asked why it would be my fault. i just squirmed. then he said come to think of it, the reason she didn't work here was because she was getting a divorce, and she gave her day to her soon to be ex-husband (who is also a cop). i'm not sure if he said that just to make me feel better, or if that's really the truth. it sure would have to be quite a coincidence, though, that she happened to give her day to her husband immediately after the whole sexual harrassment thing went down... immediately after i came out of the closet to christine... christine...

god, why do i miss her so bad? when she first left, i was sure it was for good, and i mentally killed her off, just like that. i mourned my loss, but i 'knew' it was over, and i got on with my life, knowing that christine was gone and not coming back. then she'd come back, and i'd go crazy, like i was seeing a ghost. but as soon as she left again, i could mentally kill her off again. i 'killed' her so many times, each time convincing myself that she was permanently gone... that it was for the best... that i had gotten everything i could get from her... reason and season... from the day i found out she got fired, all the way up until the day before she helped me out of the closet, each time she left, i was convinced that it was final. each time, i was sure i would never see her again. each time, i was sad, but i came up with a reason that it had happened how it had, and convinced myself that it was okay that she was gone and not coming back... i was sad about it, but i could always make it final, in my head. maybe she wasn't dead, but as far as i was concerned, she may as well be. she was out of my life. why can't i do that anymore? before, the 'reasons' i had were insignificant, compared to the one i have now. before, it was 'i saw her that last time so she could tell me to stay in school,' or 'i saw her that last time so she could give me the answers i needed, about what happened to her,' or 'i saw her that last time so she could make it clear that neither her nor terrie knows anything about me.' now, i have a good reason. she helped me out of the closet. she was the first person who knew the truth. she cared, and she talked me through it. she helped me out myself to jim. she gave me lots of answers, and lots of things to think about. she got me on the road to coming out of the closet. those are fucking good reasons for somebody to be a part of your life... so why can't i do that mental number, play that game so she's 'dead' again? that's what i have to do to stop hurting, i know. it doesn't fix it, but it's the first step... as long as i'm still clinging to the hope that she'll come back, i'm not going to stop missing her, or thinking about her... how come now, my reason's 10 times better than any of those other reasons, but now, i can't let myself believe she's gone?

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