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it's just not easy. i know i didn't expect it to be easy, but... i don't know. i really don't. i want to tell them. fly and my mom, for now. maybe later, for the rest of them. but i just expected to be able to bring it up, or to sit down and just talk. we don't talk, though. well, we do, but it's always about right now, because something's always happening right now. jake's out with his friends or andy's running somewhere or fly is out shopping. somebody's cooking or cleaning, and katie's family is always calling about something or another because our families honestly couldn't function without each other. when they ask me something, it's about right now, like 'did you make it to the grocery store to get the eggs?' or even if it's less specific, it's 'so what'd you do today?' occasionally, something comes up where i end up talking about my life in columbus, but my closet never fits in... like they know about marie's obsession with shoving things in my mouth, because they asked about the scab on my upper lip. and they know i watched the movie with jim because i made my mom take a little detour on our way home so we could return it to the video store, and she asked about it. but we never just talk...
it's not like i expect them to focus on me and ask, 'so honey, were you thinking about telling us something important?' and then listening intently while i answer... but i wish it were just a little more relaxed around here, so maybe sometime we could just sit down and they could smile and say, 'so, how's school?' if they just gave me a chance to talk, maybe i could do it.
i guess if i want to do it, i've got to make my own opportunity. but i don't know. really. everything's so hectic. if i told them, i feel like they wouldn't even have the time to listen or react. it's probably because easter's coming, and the family's coming here, and we have to prepare. it would probably be best to do it when it's not a holiday, but i'm only ever here for the holidays, or when something's happening that i need to come home for. i never come home when there's nothing going on. my parents probably wouldn't want to drive all the way to columbus for no good reason, either. so basically, until jake finally makes it to college, every time i come home, it will be hectic like this.
tomorrow alan is coming up here so my mom can help him with his chem, and fly, me, and d are going down there to color eggs. we're going out to eat for lunch (but that's the whole family, and i really don't want to tell jake. he's mean enough as it is.), and then we have more cleaning to do, plus either me or andy has to help my mom start cooking. then the next day is easter, and everyone will be here. and then i go back to columbus. i guess maybe i could tell my mom on the trip back... i don't know. i just want christine to come fix it for me. i know that's dumb. it kills me that i think that, but it's all i want. i want her to work her magic, like she did on jim. i want her to reassure me that it will be ok, and then i want it to be ok. and if she can't come fix this for me, i just want her to come back. she has to come back. how can she not miss me at all? how can she not care, after she cared so much?