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i had no classes, so i got up and went to work. i think i was having a low self-esteem day or something, because i felt like the world was against me.
taysha was there, calling me dumb-dumb, as always. then i let some lady take like $65 worth of groceries without paying. i don't even know how i did it... i rang her stuff up, and scanned her coupons, and she was talking to us (me and taysha) while we bagged it up, in paper, and somehow, she ended up not paying. i don't think she meant to take the stuff without paying, and i sure didn't mean to let her, but i guess we both just forgot. i didn't even notice as i rang up the next customer's order. he had about as much stuff as the first lady, only his total came to $140. i did a double-take when i read it to him, but he just gave me his charge card, and taysha gave me a funny look, so i rang it up, and then he pointed out that the stuff at the top of the reciept wasn't his. dana had to come over, and then amit came over, and then teena had to help, and i ended up having to re-ring his entire order, so they could fix his total, but the store wound up losing that $65. i thought maybe the lady would realize that she didn't pay, and come back, but she didn't. taysha called me a dumb-dumb again, and this time i deserved it.
amit and alyssa kept begging me to eat a green bean, and finally i did it, just to shut them up. they laughed forever, and mimicked me.
shay didn't show up when she was supposed to, and teena asked marie where she was. marie seems to be pretty close to shay, like maybe they know each other outside of work. it makes me jealous, but i would feel a little better if i at least knew that they really did know each other before shay started working here. then she would have a head start, and i wouldn't feel as bad... so i ask marie, 'are you guys related or some-oh wait, that's a dumb question.' (shay is small and black; marie is bigger and white.) marie and teena and amit laughed and repeated my question. marie finally stopped laughing to tell me that she and shay were 'pretty much best friends.'
then some lady had a big order and taysha asked what i would do if she just walked away and stopped bagging for me. i told her i'd never forgive her. she rolled her eyes and asked if that was supposed to bother her. i wonder if she's serious. i mean, if you believed everything taysha and i say to each other, you'd think we hated each other. but i think we're just joking. today, though, i wonder if she's serious, and i'm the only one who thinks it's all a joke.
there's a difference between being the class clown, and the school outcast. when you're the class clown, they laugh when you're in front of them, and behind your back, they just say you're funny. when you're the school outcast, they'll laugh in your face, and behind your back, they are mean to you. i usually feel like the clown, with just enough outcast in me that they'll tease me a little to my face. but i usually figure that they really do like me... today i wonder if maybe i'm just fooling myself, and everybody hates me...

i went on break and i was about to go back down, but the newspaper was open to dear abby, so i stopped to read it. marie came up (going home for the day), and poked me in the side. i jumped and squirmed and she laughed and i gave her a dirty look. she put her arms around me and said, 'awwww... do you not like me, loser?' we were alone in the break room. i was facing the table, and she was facing me, so i was perpendicular to her. her left hand was on my right shoulder, with her arm fitting under my chin, across my front. her other arm was around my waist, on the back side of me. i hated this question, because it's a yes or no question, but either answer sounds wrong. i leaned into her and reached up and held onto her arm. i picked 'no,' and hoped that the tone of voice let her know what i meant by that answer. she said, 'because i would be sad if you didn't like me. because i like you.' her voice was syrupy sweet, bordering on being fake and patronizing, but it didn't really matter because those were the words i needed to hear. and her body so close to mine felt right... good... wonderful... i wanted to face her, and give a hug back, but somehow i couldn't. she was holding me so tightly i could hardly move, and i was afraid if i tried to get closer, she would let go. i wanted to sink into her, deeper, until there wasn't even any difference between her skin and my skin. i didn't want her to ever let go. i hung onto her arm, and she didn't let go, for so long that i got scared... scared of what? i don't know, but i took one hand off her arm and poked her in the side. she laughed and let go of me and told me she wasn't ticklish. we poked each other for a while. i squirmed and reacted, and she didn't react at all, ever. she got her stuff and i followed her. i wanted her to hold me again. i punched her lightly, and poked her, and touched her every chance i got... she poked me back, and observed that all she has to do to make me squirm is to hold out her finger, like she's going to poke me. she doesn't even have to touch me. so she held out her finger, pointing it towards my eye. i told her my eye wasn't ticklish and i didn't squirm. when her finger came closer, i shut my eye. she poked my eyelid lightly, and then traced her finger over my eyelashes. i never knew eyelashes were such a sensual body part, but it felt good... i wanted her... i didn't know what to do, so i grinned stupidly and said, 'see, toldja my eye's not ticklish!' she laughed and started back downstairs. i went with her. she asked if i had to work thursday. i said yeah, and she asked when. i told her sometime at night, like 5-10 or 3-11 or 3-10 or something... she said 'awww...' and sounded disappointed. i asked why, and she said because she was going to say i should go skating with her and teena. i laughed and said 'teena's going skating???' she grinned and said yeah. i said 'awww... i wanna see that...' i don't really. i do, i guess, but not half as bad as i want to be there because marie will be there... we were at the door by now, so she promised me, 'i'll take pictures,' and then left. she asked me to go somewhere with her, outside of work. is that a good sign? will she ever ask me again? i want to see marie outside of work...

for the rest of the night, taysha and amit teased me plenty, but i didn't really mind because i could still feel marie's arms around me... she was pretty much all i thought about. then alyssa and i had a somewhat normal conversation about school. and then dana told me about one time last weekend, when he had run two orders together (like i had today), and the only reason he caught the first customer in time was because the second customer noticed. i felt a little better about that. amit offered me a ride home because we both got off at the same time. i told him i had to get milk. at least now he knows that means no... and if he's offering me a ride, he can't hate me, right?

i have to wake up at 8 tomorrow for an early class. tomorrow is my 3-class day, but the first one is women's studies. in loser-land, this is a class full of lesbians. i'll have to wait til then to see if it lives up to my expectations...