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stupidfool
major problem: i am fucking seven. jeff was there. i was a little slow getting there, and at 2:30 a.m., she got bored and called jeff in. he woke up and came in just to visit her... jeff is fine. we joked with each other when she had to work, and when she didn't, she alternated between hanging on him and hanging on me, with the emphasis on him. that made me plenty jealous... and i'm fucking seven. they ask me if i've been drunk and i know i can't lie. they tell me this 4 or 5 times, when i try to tell minor lies to one and not the other, and i fail miserably. so i tell them i haven't, and they laugh at how i'm so 'innocent.' they start talking about x and asking me with all these slang terms i hardly know and they grin how i'm so seven and they should take me out sometime. they should. i'm fucking sick of being seven. but i'm willing to bet that they won't.
we're wrestling for her shoelace, me and jeff against her. i wrap my arms around her from the back and go to grab it, and she leans over until my feet are off the ground, and i'm just hanging onto her, with my face in her hair. i breathe in and she smells fucking good. why is it a game? how come this can't happen in real life? how come she likes hanging on jeff more than she likes hanging on me? i hate this. why do i put myself through this? why didn't i stay home? and how come i know, if i had the chance to go back in time a few hours, i would still come here, and do this all over?
she shoves the shoelace in her back pocket. she laughs and says now she only has to worry about jeff because she knows i won't stick my hand back there. if she hadn't said that, i might have, but now that she's said it, i feel like i can't. it's a circle. i'm seven, so they expect me to be seven, and i am seven because they expect me to be seven. i fucking hate it. and i fucking hate that marie is one big dead end, but i still can't get her out of my mind. i can smell her in my clothes. i can feel her in my arms. what am i supposed to do? frustration... how about the dishes? yeah, i have to do the dishes now. it's 4:30 in the morning. i won't be in bed before 6. i have to work tomorrow. i'm going to be sleep-deprived, just because i wanted the chance to prove, once again, that i still want marie, and that i still can't have her.

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When Shera and Riley were together and I had the world's largest crush on Shera I would go out of my way to see her, or see them just so I could see her. I was reading my hard copy journal the other day and ran across a book filled with journal entries about just coming out and my feelings for Shera.

One day I waited 2 hrs in the cold rain to ride the bus for 45 minutes to go up to the mall because I THOUGHT Shera and Riley were working and I figured if I walked past the book store at the right moment I MIGHT get to see Shera. Or possibly I could go in and pretend I had forgotten they worked there and get to talk to Shera for awhile.

What happened was I got there there was no sign of Shera and I walked around the mall depressed for awhile then left to wait about an hour and a half for the bus. Got home and found out that they didn't work that day. What did I do? I beat myself up called myself all kinds of losers and the next day I was back at the mall. I saw her that day for like 5 minutes, just enough time to get tongue tied and make myself appear stupid.

THANK GOD! I am over that crush.

Moral to the story... Well there really isn't one though I have learned crushes, rather the extreme desire to fuck someone, can make a person do strange things.


~Jay~

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