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why is it that when somebody you love dies, people try to console you by saying 'at least you have your memories.'? shouldn't the same thing apply to people like christine, who are out of your life for an indefinite period of time? because i can't find the truth in that statement. i don't want my memories. you can have them. i remember her smile, or her concern, or her voice, and yeah, i think 'that was nice while it lasted,' but that thought is almost completely overpowered by the realization that it won't ever be like that again. that hurts. every night, the memories attack me. every night, it hits me all over again: i will most likely never see her again. i will most likely never get any of that back. every night, i fall alseep missing her. and i don't see how it's a good thing. i've been awake for way too long now, so it's possible that i'm overlooking something, but i just don't get it. i loved her. i still do, but i'm sick of remembering. i just want it to stop.

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I remember one of the first times Nan and I rolled (sidenote: "rolled" is slang for using X or E, whichever you call it, just in case you didn't know)we were lying on the floor ignoring the other girl with us and talking. The carpet was feeling good as shit and we were like touching each other (fingers across skin and lips etc nothing big)and I told her she had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen (the complete truth) and she shook her head and said "uh uh, you have the most awesome eyes. You know its the truth I always tell you I love your eyes" I thought she was nuts but since ppl always said that I had great eyes I just shrugged and smiled and touched her lips. I don't remember the rest of the conversation in between but I asked her "Why do you keep looking at me like that?" and she said "Because you are beautiful." I told her no and turned away and she grabbed me by my chin which felt good as shit (hell everything on X feels good) and said "No you really are beautiful."

Another time we were in the car and we were talking about some of my past experiences and all I can remember is her saying "Girl please you know I love you I would never hurt you."

She was the only person who ever made me believe I was beautiful and the only one I really believed would never hurt me.

Memories are good but after a certain extent they can turn against you and become the source of more torment. How do you remember good times when you then have to accept the realization that they will not happen again? How do you remember smiles and kisses and shared laughter and wise words when you realize that they are the last to ever come?

Memories are good when treasured on a every now and then basis because if you take them out of the box too often they will wilt and die and lose their value ultimately becoming the source of more heartache than the original loss.

Sadly to say the only cures I have ever found for remembering are distractions and working until you are so tired that you can not think of anything as you fall asleep. Eventually one day you look around and have a flash back and it dawns on you "Wow I haven't thought about that in days."


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