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stupidfool
today i woke up just in time for work, and by the time i made it home, 10 hours later, all my roommates are asleep. at work, two notable things happened (in my head, of course. nothing ever happens in real life...)

event 1: i was freezing. i got my jacket (i left my warm coat at home when i went home for easter) and put it on and i was still freezing, because i was right in front of the door. i don't complain, so i went over and sat on one of the self-check platforms (as far away from the door as possible) and wrapped my coat around myself and hugged myself tightly and jiggled my legs up and down to try and keep warm. terrie noticed me and asked if i wanted a coat. i told her i was wearing one, and she said, 'how about another?' i said yes, and she went and got one of the store's new clean coats for me to wear. she brought it to me and i put it on. she asked 'how do you like that?' i smiled, because getting warmer when i'm cold always makes me smile. i can't crawl into bed on a cold winter night without smiling. i said 'good, thanks.'
she said, 'i gotta watch out for my peeps, you know? so who's looking out for you now, huh?'
she said it in the same tone you might use to ask, 'who's your daddy?' i just laughed and thanked her again.
as she was walking away, she was still talking like that: 'come on, who takes care of you, huh?'
the tone was strange, but the words themselves sent my mind spiralling back to christine. who takes care of me? the answer is not christine, not any more. (but i think it's one of the main reasons i miss christine: because she took care of me.) excluding this one incident, the answer isn't terrie either. (and really, i don't know what came over her. normally, she doesn't even notice if i'm dead or alive, much less if i'm cold or hot...) nobody takes care of me, is the answer, and it bothers me.
but why should it bother me? i'm not seven. people shouldn't have to take care of me. when you're young, you need people to take care of you, and usually these people also care about you. when you get older, you just need people to care about you. there's a big difference. that's the difference between jim and christine, that i tried to describe a while back. jim cared about me. christine took care of me. if i could just act my age, i wouldn't need to be taken care of. i could have asked for a coat, today, and then terrie could have gotten it for me. that would be caring about me. but instead, i suffer in silence, until she notices and takes care of me. i could ask for a ride home, and jim would give one to me. that would be caring about me. but instead, i wait until christine notices i'm walking and tells me to let her give me a ride. that's taking care of me. is it bad that i never ask? am i making it so people can't just care about me? if they want to care, do i make it so they have to care about me AND take care of me? all or nothing? that would be bad. am i really doing that?

event 2: billie came in with her baby. terrie held the baby and cuddled the baby and cooed to the baby and showered attention all over it. a little bit after billie left, jane came in with her son, who is about 2. terrie went straight to the little boy and picked him up, and started talking to him. she says, 'give me a hug... awww, thank you!' and then she carries him around to people and says, 'here, say hello to tasha!' and 'this is teena. isn't she nice?' the little boy smiles and waves and speaks in that cute little kid voice, and it makes terrie smile. she takes care of him until jane is ready to leave, and then she asks him, 'is your mommy going to make you leave me now?'
he looks at her and then at jane, and asks, 'mommy?'
they both laugh, and terrie tells him to give her a goodbye hug, and she picks him up and kisses his hand and he smiles and hugs her. she says 'gimme a kiss,' and he gives her a kiss on the cheek and she smiles and kisses him on the forehead and then sets him down and ruffles his hair and he toddles over to jane.
watching this, i feel something really strange. terrie pays as much attention to this kid as she does to prudy. it's a different kind of attention, of course, but i'm still jealous. in fact, i'm more jealous of him than of prudy. ...what??? i don't get it. i'm confused. why am i jealous of this little kid? and speaking of little kid, what about my seven-year-old? i think i hate it. i think i wish i wasn't seven, and i would like it so much better if i could consistantly act my age. but what if i don't really mean that, and i just think i do? what if, somewhere in me, i really want to be seven, and that's why i act like that? then how do i stop acting seven? i have to find the part of me that might not even be there, and then convince it that it doesn't really want to be jealous of jane's son...? does this have something to do with wanting people to take care of me, if that's really what i want? to stop one, do i have to stop the other? did either of them ever start, or am i just crazy? am i really jealous of a two-year-old boy, or was that another emotion, and i just mistook it for jealousy? or maybe i'm jealous of terrie, because i want a cute little boy to like me? or am i jealous of the boy, because he can say non-mature things without having people wonder why he doesn't act his age? or... or what???????????

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When my sister got pregnant with my niece I was 17 going into my senior year of high school and the baby of my family. And I was spoiled. Not in the classic sense (you know a little about my life so you know there was nothing classic about it) but I was spoiled.

When my niece was born I was jealous of her. She was the baby and EVERY BODY knows that baby's get more attention. Hell it wasn't even the attention that pissed me off. It was this one question in my head that always flashed "If I need them to take care of me and she needs them to take care of her. Who are they gonna pick?" There was only one answer. Her. I was my mother's baby but she was my mother's first baby's baby. How the fuck does one compete with that?

It never entered my mind that at 17 I should be taking care of myself because in my brain no matter what I was always taking care of every one else so some one was supposed to be always taking care of me.

In life I think that is how great relationships and friendships ultimately work. You take care of them and they take care of you. Everybody who cares isn't going to be able or willing or even qualify to take care of you in the way you need. Just like every one who takes care of you may not care about you. And the greatest feeling in the world comes from those people who take care of you because they care and because they can.

Don't fault yourself for being human...

As for being 7. The good of the world lives in the heart of a child so if the beat of your heart is composed majorly of that of your 7 year old then consider yourself blessed.


P.S.
Check your other entries I haven't been here for awhile I am responding to everything I have read.

~Jay~

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