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stupidfool
i met with my group early this morning, to go over those surveys. the girl volunteered to write up the short answer part, so she took all the surveys, even the ones that taysha and marie wrote on. i want to ask for them back, but i think she'd think that was weird. it is. i don't even know why i want them.

i went to both my classes. they are boring. then i went to work.

marie was supposed to run self-check today, so i was on register. molly was one behind me, and prudy was one behind her. terrie was bagging for prudy. i was paying more attention to marie than anything else, but then i heard terrie say 'christine' and i switched all my concentration to that. she was complaining to prudy, about how christine was a terrible roommate. i listened as well as i could, and here's what i got out of it:
terrie bought a box of [something edible] and christine opened it up and took two, and then shut the box. terrie was upset by this because she thinks that if you didn't buy it, you shouldn't eat it. (at my house, this happens all the time and nobody cares.)
christine doesn't clean up after herself.
terrie can't stand to walk by christine's room because the smell creeps out and it stinks like fungus, like sweaty feet, like moldy food, and like dirty laundry.
she leaves cigarette butts everywhere.
terrie can't wait til [sometime], when she can move out.
a few days ago, christine was in the shower and terrie heard this awful noise (which she mimicks for prudy and the customer in prudy's line). it sounds like she's preparing to hock a loogie. so the next day, terrie went to use the shower, and the drain was clogged real bad, so she turned off the water and pulled out the drain, and somehow, it landed on her and she thought it was completely gross. she asks the customer if that grosses her out, and it did. it grossed me out too. she was very descriptive, and the sound effects helped...

so all that sticks in my mind for a while. the first thing i think about it is that christine still lives with terrie. i had figured she did, but marie said she didn't. so marie was wrong.
the next thing i think, which comes as a shock to me, is that christine must be human. i know terrie hates the world, and i know there's a good chance that she's exaggerating about the awful stench, and the cigarette butts being 'everywhere.' but she's not a liar, and i'm sure they're at least partly true. the story about spit in the shower is gross. christine does gross things... no. not my christine. my christine walks on water. i don't know who terrie's talking about, but it must be some other christine who she lives with... then i give up on the whole denial thing. ok, christine is human. molly left milk in a cup sit out for a week straight and we're still trying to pick the milk off the cup. alana cut meat with the scissors and then put them back in the drawer, and they're disgusting now. and lauren sheds all over the bathroom. i'm sure i have something gross about me too. everybody's human. even christine...
then the thought occurs to me that terrie must be doing this to torture me. even as i'm thinking it, i know it's not true. but this kind of stinks. i'm trying to make it so christine's dead in my mind, and terrie's telling me about the mess she created this morning. dead people don't make messes. i feel like terrie didn't want to complain, and she didn't want to talk to prudy. she only said that to rub it in-christine is still here and alive and terrie can smell her feet every night, but i don't ever get to see her. i miss her. i want to see her. i don't care if terrie hates her... terrie hates everybody... i wouldn't ever complain if i lived with her...

i brought a customer over to use the foodstamps machine on self-check because the one on my register was broken. i repeated the foodstamp total over and over in my head, so i wouldn't forget by the time i got there. marie saw that i was trying to remember, and started calling out random numbers. it was nearly impossible to remember mine, but i did. when i had put it through, she said 'i almost got you.'
i lied, 'no you didn't.'
she laughed and said she did, and i told her, 'no, i was so straight focused... i didn't even hear you.'
when i got back to my register, she called me on the intercom. i picked it up, and she said, 'sweetie, do you remember what we discussed the other day?' i hesitated. she told me, 'you can't lie. remember?' i told her i could lie, and she told me i couldn't, and we argued like that for a while, and then we wound down, and she said bye to me. i about never talk on the intercom to people when it's not work-related. i like it. i think i like marie's voice. no i don't. my fucking god, i swear i don't like her at all. aurgh.

terrie told me marie didn't feel well, so they were going to have me take a break, and then i would close self-check and let marie go home early. marie really didn't feel well. last night she was all hoarse, and today she's a little too pink. terrie said she's burning up. when i buy my lunchable, i go past her on my way to break, and i ask, 'are you really all hot?' and i put my hand on her forehead. she's hot, i guess. i'm cold though. (actually, i'm comfortable, but my hands are cold. my extremities are usually pretty confused. when i'm comfortable, they're frozen. when i'm cold, they're numb. and when i'm burning up, that's about the only time that my hands and feet reach a comfortable temperature. i sometimes worry that it's a sign of some serious disease, but never so much to do anything about it.) i tell her i don't know because i'm cold, and she says yeah i am. i believe she's hot. i put my hand on my own forehead, to compare, but that's not easy. it's hard to feel the temperature of my forehead because when i try to feel anything, my forehead ends up feeling that my hand is cold, but i already knew that. i can't find the place that tells me how warm my forehead is. i like touching her forehead.

when i get back, i take over for her and she leaves. i'm running self-check and prudy comes over and stands by me. i'm about as comfortable talking to prudy as i am talking to terrie (not very). so i don't have much to say, as she tells me how she was going to quit, but they talked her out of it... there's an awkward silence for a minute, while i try to find something to say, and then these two girls with short hair come by. the one is wearing a shirt that says something like, 'do you have a sister?' i stare at the shirt because i can't quite figure it out. after they pass, prudy remarks, 'lesbos.'
i ask, 'is that what that shirt means?!?!'
she says yeah, and then there's that uncomfortable silence again, and then she asks, 'so when are you going to find your mr. right?'
i say, 'uhhh... not today...'
she asks, 'never?'
i agree: 'never.'
then all of a sudden, i wonder if i just came out of the closet. i certainly didn't mean to, when i said that. but she had JUST said something about lesbians, and then she asks me that question, like they're related, and then i answer that i'm never going to find mr. right... does it sound like i'm just a straight girl, discouraged with my love life, or does it sound like i just came out of the closet? i turn to look at her, to try and figure out what she's thinking, but then jorge calls her back to her register because a customer is waiting, and before either of us say anything else, she leaves... it's not the end of the world if she interpreted it to mean that i'm a lesbian. after all, she knows terrie's a lesbian, and she hangs all over her, so she's obviously not going to be bothered by it. but if i did just accidentally come out of the closet, i'd really like to know it...

molly stays to help the night crew. they can't decide where they want her. they want her everywhere. they want her stocking shelves in the mornings and running register in the evenings and then working the night shift. she gets a lot of hours because she's so versatile. i'm jealous, even though the last thing i need is hours. i do have 3 classes this quarter... i haven't done any homework for any of them yet... and i'm not going to tonight, either. i got up way too early this morning. i'm going to collapse. tomorrow is my day off. the only thing i'm doing tomorrow is watching tv from 10 p.m. to 10:30 p.m. i can spend the rest of the day doing homework, checking my email, going to the bank and depositing the 7 paychecks i have sitting on my desk, and accomplishing things.

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