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i have a severe lack of sleep problem. i just want to go to bed right now, but if i do, even if i sleep for 12 hours, i'll be up by 3 a.m. i don't work til 4 p.m. and it's an 8-hour-shift, so if i fuck up my sleeping schedule now, i'll be dead tired by the time tomorrow's over. so i have to keep myself awake for a while longer. this could be interesting. at least i know better than to attempt any homework.

here's what i was thinking i had to say: i forgot to finish yesterday. or mostly, i just got tired and went to bed. the other interesting part was the trip home. nikki was tired so i couldn't sleep because i had to keep her awake. so we were talking, and she was telling me stories from her work, and i told her how i was on probation at mine for being late. then i told her the story about how prudy was like 3 steps ahead of me in the whole getting-fired process, but she was going to quit so they talked her out of it and wiped her whole slate clean. nikki said i should threaten to quit so i wouldn't have to worry about it. i told her it probably wouldn't work for me because i didn't flirt with terrie like prudy does. she verified that terrie was a girl, and then said 'ewwwwwwww.'
i said, 'well prudy's straight. terrie's not, but prudy is. she just wants everybody to want her, i think.'
nikki said, 'that's sick.'
i said, 'actually, it's pretty funny. you should see them together. they make rashid and me laugh.'
she said, 'no, it's sick.'
i told her again, 'no, it's not sick. just funny.'
she didn't agree with me, i know, but she gave me that look and changed the subject. nikki does that look often. it means when you get to be as mature as me, you'll know these things too. for now, i know you're wrong, but you're a stubborn little girl and i have better things to do than to convince you that you're wrong. or that's what it means to me, anyway. i don't know what she means for it to mean. the funny thing about it all is that i'm actually a few weeks older than her. you wouldn't guess it though, if you saw us or watched us talk or anything. she acts old. and i am seven.
note to self: don't come out to nikki, at least not for a good long while.

i slept about 3 hours. i went to work. i was the first one there. i beat even tasha, who was opener in the office this morning. anthony came in next, and then prudy. anthony said something in the morning that didn't even register until i left for the day. there was this newspaper article, about a guy who killed his wife, or tried to kill his wife, or something like that. i forget. but he was showing it to me and telling me about it and saying how wrong it was. i was dead tired and hadn't an opinion on the matter, but he seemed to want a response, so i said, 'when i grow up, i won't ever kill my husband.'
he said, 'you won't have a husband. just say you won't ever kill your roommate.'
i said, 'ok, i won't ever kill my roommate.'
the end. sleepy loser moves on. but now it occurs to me that i don't know where he got that idea from. then, i had figured i had told him that i wouldn't have a husband, but i realize that last i checked, he was asking me about my dream guy, and i told him maxwell. we didn't discuss me not getting married. i told prudy that i would never find mr. right, but not anthony. so any way you take his assertion that i won't have a husband, it seems to be bad. either he's being a jerk (which is very much like something ayrik would do, but not so much like anthony) and telling me i'm so ugly/strange/stupid that i won't ever find a guy who likes me, or he's implying that i'm a lesbian. and whichever one he meant, like an idiot, i went ahead and agreed with him. i wonder what he thinks i agreed to...

i found out that marie didn't come in friday because she was still sick. and she was suppsoed to not come in today because she was still sick, but she came in anyway and worked and didn't hardly talk to me and didn't touch me once and that bothered me. and then teena told me to get carts but i didn't really hear because i was half asleep. i knew she had said something, but she was gone, so i asked the air, 'what am i supposed to do again?' anthony laughed and came over to me and tossed his arm around my shoulder and walked with me towards the lobby and joked, 'you see those two carts?' i said i did. he said, 'she wants you to go outside, and see if you can find some more just like those, and then bring them in here, ok?' i said ok. he let go and i wandered outside. i don't understand touch. anthony's arm around my shoulder wasn't disgusting. but it sure wasn't exciting either. it was just there. not particularly impressive. marie's arm around my shoulder (which i unfortunately haven't felt for a while) feels damn good. it makes my insides go crazy and i just want to touch her... just like when marie give me a backrub, it feels great and i want to jump her, but when my dad gives me a backrub, it just feels a bit comfortable. how would i decide how to feel about a backrub if my eyes were shut and i didn't know who was giving it? what if i lined up marie and anthony, then shut my eyes, and told one of them to put their arm around me? i could probably recognize marie by her smell because she smells good. but say i plugged my nose... is there really that much of a difference between the actual feel of the arm around my shoulder? it's got to be the person behind the arm. but something seems wrong. they say being gay isn't just about the sexual stuff, and it's not. i've been emotionally attracted to girls before. to bring it back to my favorite topic, with christine, it wasn't just physical. in fact, the physical attraction never was a very large part of it (though i'm not going to deny that it was there). when i would think about her or daydream about her, more often than not, i would think about talking to her. that's how it is now, too. or i would think about her taking care of me, like offering me a ride home, or teaching me something. for some reason, i liked it when she taught me stuff. with marie, though, there is none of that. this is purely physical. i don't like marie. she's bossy, she's a ho, she's done some not-so-nice things to christine, she completely ignores me when something better comes along, she's fake, and the way she treats people that she doesn't think are worthy of her attention makes me sick. i honestly don't like her. and i don't really like the way marie looks, unless i squint real hard, or just stare at specific parts of her body, like her neck or her breasts. i like the way she touches me. that's it. i like the way her hands feel when they slide around my shoulder or the way her cheek feels when it lightly touches mine. when i think about marie, or daydream about marie, it's sex. 99.9% of the time, that's all it is. i don't even bother to conjure up a way we could have found ourselves in the places we're at. just bam! we're together and naked.
the confusion comes because if all it takes to make me physically attracted to somebody is for them to touch me in the right way, then why shouldn't i be attracted to some guys? i know it's possible that anthony's arm didn't slide around my shoulder in the exact same way that marie's arm did... but if it had, would i be magically attracted to him? i'm almost certain that i wouldn't. so what gives?

(it took me two hours to write this up. does that give you any clues as to how tired i am? nomrally, i can crank out an entire paper for english in two hours, and here it took me 2 hours for 3 paragraphs? can i sleep yet? please?)