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my computer has gone 8 days without a restart. because of that, there's a fairly good chance that it could freeze in the middle of updating this. that, combined with the fact that i'm dead tired, will make this a short entry.

i slept through a class by accident. i didn't study any more for the midterm in my next class, but i think i did fine. i went to work. marie was there and i still hate her and i still want her and i still hate myself for wanting her. she knows it or pretends to. i went up for change and art took my cash and went to get the change, but marie made him give it to her so she could give it to me so she could fight with me about it. i wouldn't let her put it in the slots and she wouldn't give it to me. finally i had to go back over to self-check to help a customer, so i left without the change and michelle asked marie why she teases me so much. art said he was always telling her and anthony and amit to stop teasing me. michelle said it was mean, or something like that. marie explained, 'you just don't understand how some people enjoy this.' i got back to try to get my change again at the end of this statement and michelle asked me if it was true. i didn't know what to say, so i just pretended like i hadn't been eavesdropping, and asked, 'is what true?' when she asked if i liked marie's teasing, i didn't know what to say. i'm not even sure if i know the answer myself, and i certainly don't know what i want her to think i think. i don't like it. it frustrates me, that this is all i ever get out of marie. but it feels good when i reach out and grab her wrist, or when she touches me (which adds to the frustration, because i don't want it to feel good because i don't like her, really). so i answer, with the slightest hint of sarcasm in my voice, 'oh yes. and do you know what else i like? i like it when i get dog food shoved in my mouth. i really like that. yum, you know?' marie and art and michelle all laughed, and i got out of that question nicely. but i wish i knew the answer, even if i don't want them to know it. i hate it and i like it all at once, and i think i'd feel a lot more comfortable with the situation if i only felt one way towards it, instead of this funny mix.

i got to stay and help the night crew again, even though the guy with the dead relative was back. it was fine but it wore me out. tomorrow i have a huge list of things to do so i'm going to bed now. the end.